My last thread got locked out after on 12 pages. I wonder how many threads I have started just since I came back almost 2 years ago.
When I open my eyes every morning, the first thing I still think of is this crap. The difference now is that I rarely miss her or want her there. All I feel most of the time is anger and foolishness. Anger at what she has done to me and foolish that I let it happen.
The bottom line is that STBX had an affair for 6-7 years before she moved out. She continued that affair while letting me believe we were working on things. And now, she is about to move on with OM/Boss and live the life she has wanted for almost 10 years.
I said this in a thread some time ago. I think she actually planned out the last 2 years to perfection. I was a fool, and played my expected role perfectly. I did everything she expected at every turn. And now, she comes out smelling like a rose and my kids blame me "80%" as D19 says. At this time, S17 hasn't even spoken more than 10 words to me in 4 days. I suppose I deserve that for telling them what I did.
Being honest and objective now, I don't think I would even want to her come back anymore. I love what she/we should be not what she/we actually are. I love the woman she used to be many years ago. She has finally made her decision to be with OM fully and completely anyway.
My anger towards her grows everyday. Yesterday, when I was driving home from work and thinking (as always), I actually screamed out "I hate you". As for OM, there is no words to describe just how much I hate the fact that he and I are both humans on the same planet.
I have mentioned before all the medical issues STBX has had over the last 10 years - severe arthritis/lupus, pancreatitis, gall bladder removal, hysterectomy due to early onset of cancer, and a brain tumor caused by drugs she was on for arthritis. I have admitted that I was not very supportive of her when she was ill, and she claims OM/Boss was always there for her and that is how their "friendship" started. Recently, I have been wondering if there really is Karma in the world. Maybe, just maybe she's getting what she deserves for lying and cheating during that time period.
I know that sounds awful. But, that's where I am right now. I would like nothing more than for their life together to be horrible. They are both liars and cheaters and are perfect for each other. They can lie and cheat each other right to their graves.
I really don't like feeling so angry and literally hating someone I loved so much before, but it is a lot better than pining for her and missing her. I don't know how long I will stay in this phase, but I know it's not good for it to last too long.
I am heading out to Calgary tomorrow to visit an old friend for the week. I'm sure we will spend some time where I get it all out to him, but then I hope I can just have some fun. I miss the old me - smiling, laughing and cracking jokes. Then, when I return, it will be time to get the divorce done and hopefully that will bring some closure.
Thanks to all of you who have tried to help me save my marriage in the last 2 years. I can now admit, there never really was any hope. This is one marriage that couldn't and shouldn't have been saved. Her heart and soul have been with OM for years. She could have never given all of herself to our marriage.
