As i was driving wife back home from her weekend visit tonight, she gave me her answer.
She wants to come home!
She said she needs a couple of weeks to deal with things then she will be home.
I said nothing, I asked no questions, did not give any opinions just sat there stunned. When we got to OM's house, she said she would meet my mom at S15 and S13's dentists appointment and would it be ok if she got dropped off by mom so she could go to S9 soccer tomorrow. I said that was fine. She thanked me for the weekend and said goodnight.
I drove home in shock, I thanked good for answered prayer and asked him for the strength not to screw this up over the next two weeks.
I need some guidance and some support to stay on track and to keep moving forwards. i dont want to revert or do something stupid and push her away again.
I need some guidance and some support to stay on track and to keep moving forwards. i dont want to revert or do something stupid and push her away again.
Definitely stay on track.
Definitely keep moving forwards.
I don't know your situation as well as others might, but I think that you will probably need to recalibrate your goals and prepare yourself for a big adjustment.
It's probably been, in many ways, easier for you to make substantial changes w/o your W there. How is her being there going to affect some of these?
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
WOW, tank... I do not think I'm equipped for this type of support... I have a shoulder if you need to cry, though...
Joking aside, I do not want to jinx this for you.
The only advice I can offer at this time is move slowly. Think about what you want. Have no expectations. Don't get too excited, she hasn't moved in yet.
I know you are shocked. Is there anything or things that you can think of that might have lead her to this decision? Is she liking you, is she regretting her choice to leave, her life sux, she just seems more... clear minded...?
I would also suggest "more of the same". Whatever you have been doing HAS BEEN WORKING. Don't start reverting to past behaviours or making any drastic 180s at this point in time...
And good luck. I'll be putting out the prayers for you tonight, man!
It is 244 am and i just can sleep. thank you for the comments.
I am aware that she isnt moved in yet, but she was emotional when she said she wanted to come home. She really misses the kids, and our talk last week when i broke down might have been what she needed. I dont know, but she did say she couldnt live in her husbands house and have a boyfriend. She also said she couldnt be single for the next 11 years either.
Maybe me telling her that things could change and maybe in the future we could fix things was what she needed? maybe she needed reassurance from me? Who knows? cant read her mind so i have to stop worrying about her reason for coming home.
I have to focus on me and the kids for the next couple of weeks. stay focused on changing me and not get bogged down with thoughts of her and all the why questions.
I think it is very crucial that i give her as much space as she needs over the next couple of weeks. I will avoid all conversations that dont pertain to the kids. keep doing what i am doing and make sure that i dont drift into the "are you sure" or "i am happy" kind of talk.
This will be super hard and i also realize she will need more time, maybe even months to put the affair behind her.
This is why I'm never in favor of communicated deadlines to a wayward spouse (I AM in favor of internal ones, just for your own sanity): because, inevitably, if you give a cheating spouse, say, 30 days, on the 29th day they will come to you and promise you the moon and the stars for more time, and they're "really close to coming home," etc., etc.
But since you've already done that, and you DID give her a deadline, I think you'd be making a HUGE mistake if you now "gave her all the time and the space she needs." You'll lose all credibility with her.
Her time is up, and you've lived up to your end of the bargain. It's gotta either be "all in" or nothing at all, in my opinion. Personally, I think she's just panicked and needs rescuing, and is nowhere near ready to give up OM, but maybe that's just me.
Is she willing to write him a no-contact letter, and let you read it and deliver it, and then be fully transparent with you, and get into good MCing with a counselor who has specific training with infidelity?
I didnt push that conversation with her. She said she wants to come home. i left it at that.
the only reason i got her to consider this was by offering her to live at home, and keep her private life. the older kids know that if im still driving her and letting her have visits at home, then she said she is coming home to me.
She did have a basic talk with them today after their dentists appointment. She came out to soccer for s9 tonight.
im sure she isnt ready to give up the OM, but she is pulling herself apart about disappointing her kids and her family.
some people may think i have been a total moron during this process, but i am trying to leave the door open. Just getting her back into the house is half the battle.
Our separation agreement stays intact and she still keeps accumilating child support. So i am protected financially if she comes home.
i am not talking about this with anyone, only on here. let her tell the kids, then if she doesnt come home, its on her.
I am not going to push this any further than i have. She has seen the changes i have made, she has seen the changes in our family. My wife was the biggest family person i knew. You could never leave without a hug, kiss and an ILU if you were family. She would go out with D7 and her Grandma once a week for lunch. We always had family dinner on Sunday. We were the centre of both her family and mine.
She has lived an entire year without that. Her own Grandmother calls me at least once a week, but refuses to call OM's house to speak to her. She has lost everything but OM and his family, who dont really like her. OM's mom detests her, knows that as long as w is in OM life, no chance for grandbabies. She actually said this to wife. OM's dad, well he is vice president where my wife got fired from for theft. So he doesnt hold a high opinion of her. So really, all she has is OM. As we all know, no one can make us happy but ourselves. If we dont do the the things that make us happy or surround ourselves with the people who mean something to us, it is really hard to have a positive outlook.
I feel that if i can get her home, i have wone 1/4 of the battle. When she is home for her visits, we are a happy family, we interact and laugh and have good times.
My goal is to get her home, continue to have these good times, hopefully i wont backslide to much. Based on her conversations with me, i dont think OM will be involved once she leaves his home. Im not going to push her, i know there will be a very tough road ahead for her as she goes through withdrawal from him.
I think i will steer this course until she is ready to progress. We have a long history together, i have done all of the changes she brought up and then some. it will only be a matter of time. I have lots of that.
OK, but I've personally never seen this way work. You finally laid out some pretty clear (and I thought, fair) boundaries, and now you just completely caved on them.
YOU are not going to feel good about yourself if she continues to flaunt what she's doing in front of you, and SHE is not going to respect you for it. Loss of respect = loss of attraction = loss of love, eventually.
