I am so lost... Please someone help me!

[25yearsmlc]

take meds for however long they help you Johnie (been there, done that)

But you have got to get a grip on yourself NOW...no more pleading, no more neediness, clinging, etc

You think your pursuit is working? IT'S NOT WORKING...

Detach and pull back. Yes pull back.

We know you want to grab her and hold on for dear life, clinging for your very breath b/c you think that "need = love"

and she'll peel you off of her like a stinking stained shirt. Your behavior lacks self control, confidence, strength, (AND attractiveness).

Your problems with your temper in the past ALSO reflected a lack of control and that wasn't attractive either. There IS a pattern.

What you are doing is, in effect, saying that

you know your approach is NOT working AND you know

your approach is NOT a strong or attractive but

you hate the uncertainty of not 'knowing', so much that you

would rather REACT NOW...even if it hurts YOU MORE in the long run

and even if it hurts your family and marriage...

b/c you can't handle not knowing...


I hope when you read that^^^ out loud to yourself,

that you see how YOU are sabatoging your cause...

You are hurting YOUR chances of happiness and YOUR M...

all b/c you "just hate this!"

We know this stinks. We know! We get it.


We are telling you what we think will HELP YOU....to save you, AND to save your m...


Please don't ignore our words...especially when there's so much unity in them.

(Mark this down & call the media...SBH and I agree on something...)

ALL of us are saying the same thing.

BACK OFF!!! She heard you the first TWO times.

She KNOWS your wishes.

Did you read the "rules" faith or sandi posted sometime ago? I thought we sent you them as a guide, to answer your questions about what to do or say in day to day interactions.

GAL and do some 180s and get HER to wonder

WTH is going on with YOU!!!

(She won't ask, so don't expect her to. But when you begin to GAL, she will notice, trust me, she'll notice.)


We know it's like a game...but so what? It works, (or at least it can't hurt).

So Give DBing a real try. Stop the neediness...please...Sooo NOT helping.

Detach-

Be a man only a fool would leave...and


When you become that man, leave the results up to God.

[Sad_but_happy]

She never asked to see someone else J1...

She wrongfully assumed that I was seeing someone else since I was going out so much...

Her EXACT words were...

"Please tell me if youre seeing someone else and afford me the same opportuity."


I simply said...


"I'm not seeing anyone. I'm married and married people don't date."


It may sound condescending but I wasn't... It was part of my boundary...


But I guarantee you that HER mind was racing for once...


I was ready to leave her J1... I still am if I find one single contact... My view on this subject is not popular on this board, and that's fine... I need to be happy for myself...

It's all about what each person will tolerate. And I will tolerate ZERO cheating...

You need to be sure that you can assert the same conviction if you plan on setting this boundary.


I was and still am ready to cut her loose and cut her off if she ever cheats again.

Personally, I don't know how people live in a relationship where they have knowledge that their S is being unfaithful. They are far stronger than I...


Now it's all about what you can take... It's about your sanity...


And only J1 can answer that...

[Sad_but_happy]

J1,

This is a vital point and every move makes a huge difference...

We are all here for you... We have all felt and still feel what you are feeling...

You're not alone...

And 25 is right... She and I have very different views with regard to many things, but one thing is shining through...

We care dude...

If you've ever seen the Seinfeld episode where George needs to do the opposite to succeed, that needs to be you!

BE GEORGE!!! DO THE OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING YOU FEEL!!!

START NOW!!!

[aeolianchaos]

would rather REACT NOW...even if it hurts YOU MORE in the long run

and even if it hurts your family and marriage...

b/c you can't handle not knowing...

J1,

What do you fear will happen if you don't change what you are doing?

There is a reason everyone is saying 'back off.' Because you are at what seems like step 10 when you need to be closer to step 1.

I think you are not at a place yet for boundaries and ultimatums. Of course, take care of your children and make sure they don't have to deal with anything ugly or traumatizing, but in terms of your numbered list.. write it up and toss it out/burn it.

Focus on you being the best J1 you can, and let your W deal with the cognitive dissonance that is going to come about as a result. Don't you want to feel good about yourself? Wouldn't you prefer to thrive? Shouldn't you make a commitment to yourself that your children will have a role model of a father who knows how to truly honor himself and others?

None of this has to be 'for' your W. Do it for you.

You are 'getting your swagger back' and she is just going to have to deal with that.

[Johnnieno1]

Ok. 25ymlc... I have heard the message. And I am following everyones advice.

I did not send the email, after consulting it here on the board. I have sent the one series of texts yesterday only when my W admitted to the affair. I think it was justified concidering the situation. It also set some boundries. As I said. I have been "dark" all day today and will be again for the rest of the week. When I say dark. I mean no communication, no texts, no emails, no phone calls... Also, I do not stay in the same room when she is there, I will simply go to another room. During the day I am not at home. So that's what I mean by go dark.

I am going to try to do more things to GAL. I am doing lots of things with the kids that get me and them out of the house. I think I am going to disappear to the movies one night later this week. I have been going out without telling her where I am going. I make sure to shower, put on cologne and get dressed up too. She never asks questions about where I am going, but I think she wonders. In fact my youngest D was coping the change from my pocket and my W cautioned her not to take my beer money for the bar...

When I am at home I am outside in the back yard on the swing on my iPad. (she dosent know I am chatting with you, or reading a book) but the point is I'm involved with something.

I have changed all my passwords and put on a pw on my iPad. I have been doing these things for a few weeks now. Yesterdays bomb just threw me off a little, I am back at it now.

I have done a great job at keeping my temper under control. I would say that I have eliminated at least 90% of my flare ups. I can honestly say I have only raised my voice once in the last month. this is a 180

I do all my chores around the house when I am here and not at work. Yes my W does more around the house because she is here 95% of the day an needs to keep up with the mess from her daycare, compared to my 50% during the workweek. On the weekends I easily keep pace or outpace her on the chores of cooking laundry, outdoors work etc. That in itself is a full 180. And she has noticed and commented on that too.

I am continuing to lose weight. Down 3 lbs from last week. I excercise more, biking, walking physical activities with the kids etc. I am going in to get fitted for contacts to ditch my glasses. That will help. That's all 180

All of this has been the changes I needed to make for me, not her, and I am proud of who I am. I'm a damn good father to my kids too. I know them so much better than I did b4. I will continue to keep that cosistancy going. I must say for someone who has had the bombs I have had over the last few months, Not to mention my pending job loss, I think I am handling my stress pretty well. The reading helps a lot after all knowledge is power.

[Johnnieno1]

I think I will go out tomorrow night to the mall and get some new (smaller) shirts as the old ones are getting pretty baggy... Hey, my belts seem to be stretching too...

[Johnnieno1]

It's funny... When I think swagger all I can see is John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever... Bee gees

[sandi2]

I have sent the one series of texts yesterday only when my W admitted to the affair. I think it was justified concidering the situation. It also set some boundries.

So, in spite of the advise from people here, you sent it anyway. A "series" of texts?

The point is not about justification, Johnnie. Sure, it was justified, but you did not help your stitch. If you had waited out this week until you talked to your Pastor, therapists, etc., and give her time to wonder about you....but now she is shrugging her shoulders and saying, "It figures".

[Starsky309]

Yep.

Johnnie, you've GOT to learn to use your HEAD (logic, planning, strategy, actions) and not your EMOTIONS (feelings) thru this. Without it, you'll never successfully DB.

Starsky

[Johnnieno1]

I reacted out of emotion. It is pretty tough to have your spouse tell you they have been unfaithful.

Btw, what's to wonder. She cheated on me, I had every right to call her on it. We discussed it briefly, I sent those texts, and I am dark.

Was I supposed to just keep that I knew about the infidelity to myself?

I dont understand. How can a bomb like that go without emotion?

I am desperately trying to follow DR. Am taking my anger over her Affair and channelling that into GAL. I am using every ounce of strength to keep focussed. I did not resort to yelling or screaming when she admitted the A. That is all 180 behavior for me, and I feel good about it. The old me would have screamed and cried and everything. I was rational and calm. Furthermore, I went to her family BBQ and endured the torture for longer. The old me would have not gone. Instead, I showed my wife through action that I was ok, even though I wasn't.