New and totally confused

[Very Confused]

I read your entire situation and it resonates so much with me. It sounds so much like my sitch!! My husband left because he was unhappy. At the time, I thought everything was his fault, but now I am seeing how I contributed to his unhappiness and how my actions/words affected him. I am the one who is depressed after taking a long look in the mirror. I'm not saying that you did anything wrong, just sharing what happened to me.

I have only been in my trial separation for 3 months, but both of our lease renewals are due at the end of July. I'm panicking about that. I am moving regardless because I can't really afford this apartment that we shared together. But for now I'm still stuck in limbo. My head and my heart are not in agreement. I love him more now than I did when he was still living here! There is no switch to shut those feelings off, so please don't beat yourself up over that.

I feel weird even giving any advice because my sitch is such a mess. I tell myself that I will hang in there until the ink on the divorce papers is dry. I work with a girl whose husband had a change of heart on the day they were to sign the divorce papers. She told him to hit the road, but that was her decision at that point. I think that is what I am going to do as well. But there is a point where life must go on for us.

I know one of the things that has really drawn my husband back to me is a 180 that I've worked very hard on. I smile and act really excited when I see him. I smile all the time when we are together. He even mentioned that he has started looking at me differently, in the way he did when we first started dating..he told me "I look at you and you are smiling and so happy. You exude confidence and sexiness and that is so attractive to me. It makes me think what the hell am I doing leaving someone so beautiful". Granted, he hasn't come back yet or made a decision regarding the divorce/reconciliation, but at least it lets me know what I am doing is working.

It's really up to you whether or not you want to continue fighting for your marriage. Just because you are divorced does not mean that there is no chance to work things out. It's just up to you. You are waaay tougher than I am. The loneliness that I feel at 3 months is almost too much for me to bear most of the time, so I can relate. I admire and respect you so much..I don't have 2 children to care for!

To answer your question, I believe that love is a choice, and if you have loved someone you can choose to love them again. There was a small point in time where I felt I wasn't IN love with my husband (after about 1 1/2 years of marriage). But I never said anything. I was in it for better or worse, so I focused all my energy towards him and acted more loving towards him..I fell in love all over again. Look where it got me, but I digress. Sometimes I have to take things minute to minute because it's just too overwhelming to think of the future. I wish you all the best.