New and totally confused

[4betterorworse]

So I bbq'd dinner tonight for the second night in a row. A little thing, but HUGE for me. I have NEVER been able to start our bbq, and so my H just always did the bbq'ing (only cooking he ever did in 14 years, so I took advantage of that). So guess who showed me how to light the thing? Yup my five year old lol Why can't starters ever last on bbqs? Anyways, I know this is going to sound ridiculous to most of you, but I'm very proud of myself. Its amazing how many little things I know have to figure out to do. Next job is to figure out how to start the lawn mower. H refused to ever let me cut the grass - as he was so anal about it. Yet he complains each and every week about having to do it, whenever I offered to do it for him, he refused. oh and we have no front lawn, and a backyard about the size of a postage stamp. Noticed something else tonight. The kids and I spent the entire afternoon outside yesterday. Well my back got super sunburned. I was trying to put aloe on it today and realized I can't even reach it and it hurts like heck to bend my arms back, b/c of the burn. Usually H would do that for me, and he was always so gentle about doing stuff like that. Well again I had to rely on my 5yo. Little guy was SO sweet about it - he loved rubbing the aloe 'gel' all over me... he pretended he was covering me in jello. Thank goodness for the sweet little souls in my life. They are what keep me going.
I wasted a lot of work time today reading the message board. I can't remember who said it, but its so the way I feel about my H right now. It was something like 'you are leaving a great life that is about to get even better'. Now dont get me wrong I dont think we had a great life months up to the separation, but we worked through a lot of stuff the first 6 months of our separation, and things were getting so good again.
Is it possible for someone to fall 'back' in love with someone, after they are 100% convinced they aren't in love any more?
Just babbling as usual I guess...

[~¤DG¤~]

Good for you for bbqing on your own!
I completely understand how it makes you proud of yourself.
Whenever I tackle a task that my H used to take care of I am proud of myself also. A lot of things I rely on my S15 to take care of. Thankfully, he is a big help.

As far as someone falling back "in love" after they said they have fallen out of love, I totally believe it is possible.

[4betterorworse]

thanks DG.. I don't get alot of comments on my posts, so I often imagine people just think I am crazy

[a girl]

Is it possible for someone to fall 'back' in love with someone, after they are 100% convinced they aren't in love any more?
Just babbling as usual I guess...

I sure hope so, cause that's the boat I'm in with my H.

Glad you can post more freely! Hope your 4th is joyful.

[Onthemountaintop]

Hi,

I know many who disagree, but I believe that if you want answers or to close a door, you need to ask him. He may lie. He may give misleading answers. He may close a door that is open. He may also hurt you. But you'll have some knowledge that you weren't guessing at his thoughts. He also will know how you feel.

in my sitch, i needed my wife to say she was closing the door and filing for me to finally give up after a year of trying and big 180s. Not 180a for her, but for me. So I'm better off for another future, but i couldn't leave my past dream without knowing she had a clear decision at that point in time. I still kept up at most 180s and I'm still doing what i would if ivwas trying to save my marriage. I am still listening if she had a 180 of her own. But, I am moving forward anyhow.

My thoughts, but your life. Choose what works for you. Best of luck and God bless.

[Very Confused]

I read your entire situation and it resonates so much with me. It sounds so much like my sitch!! My husband left because he was unhappy. At the time, I thought everything was his fault, but now I am seeing how I contributed to his unhappiness and how my actions/words affected him. I am the one who is depressed after taking a long look in the mirror. I'm not saying that you did anything wrong, just sharing what happened to me.

I have only been in my trial separation for 3 months, but both of our lease renewals are due at the end of July. I'm panicking about that. I am moving regardless because I can't really afford this apartment that we shared together. But for now I'm still stuck in limbo. My head and my heart are not in agreement. I love him more now than I did when he was still living here! There is no switch to shut those feelings off, so please don't beat yourself up over that.

I feel weird even giving any advice because my sitch is such a mess. I tell myself that I will hang in there until the ink on the divorce papers is dry. I work with a girl whose husband had a change of heart on the day they were to sign the divorce papers. She told him to hit the road, but that was her decision at that point. I think that is what I am going to do as well. But there is a point where life must go on for us.

I know one of the things that has really drawn my husband back to me is a 180 that I've worked very hard on. I smile and act really excited when I see him. I smile all the time when we are together. He even mentioned that he has started looking at me differently, in the way he did when we first started dating..he told me "I look at you and you are smiling and so happy. You exude confidence and sexiness and that is so attractive to me. It makes me think what the hell am I doing leaving someone so beautiful". Granted, he hasn't come back yet or made a decision regarding the divorce/reconciliation, but at least it lets me know what I am doing is working.

It's really up to you whether or not you want to continue fighting for your marriage. Just because you are divorced does not mean that there is no chance to work things out. It's just up to you. You are waaay tougher than I am. The loneliness that I feel at 3 months is almost too much for me to bear most of the time, so I can relate. I admire and respect you so much..I don't have 2 children to care for!

To answer your question, I believe that love is a choice, and if you have loved someone you can choose to love them again. There was a small point in time where I felt I wasn't IN love with my husband (after about 1 1/2 years of marriage). But I never said anything. I was in it for better or worse, so I focused all my energy towards him and acted more loving towards him..I fell in love all over again. Look where it got me, but I digress. Sometimes I have to take things minute to minute because it's just too overwhelming to think of the future. I wish you all the best.

[4betterorworse]

Onthemountain - I have been feeling the same way. Looking for closure since hope seemed such a distant memory. I did ask him - very gently, in a very nice non-judgemental way. In fact I've asked him several times flat out. Gave him an easy out (probably shouldn't have done that but whatever, can't take it back now). The last time I asked was actually just last week when we were discussing his new house. Once again, he said he 'just didn't know'. But that he didn't want to force me to live in limbo. I was crying and I said to him 'Does this feel RIGHT to you?' (with regard to ending our marriage', and he immediately said 'no it does NOT feel right, that none of this felt right, but that he didn't know what right was anymore. That all he knows right now is that he is very unhappy and he doesn't think we can be happy together again, but he doesn't know for sure. He was crying at that point. IDK, he is just so confusing - and silent - about this whole thing. I keep waiting for him to drop some huge bomb on me - like he IS having an affair or something, b/c nothing else really adds up. But I guess if he really doesn't feel like he's in love with me, then I guess that's enough to make him struggle so much right now.

Anyways I've been so inconsistent the last month or so with my DB'ing. So I've decided a few things. I need to do a better job at GAL. Not to prove to him that I can be fun, but for MYSELF. I need to feel attractive and wanted again, and while I don't think I am ready to date, I think I am ready to just meet people - get hit on a few times lol. I just need an ego boost right now to remind me that there are other people in the world besides my H who can make me feel good about myself. I am going out for drinks tonight with my gfriend. I just told H I had plans and could he please stay after the babes go to sleep tonight. just b/c I plan on GAL, he doesn't need to know what I am doing. I also made plans to go out for drinks/dancing on Friday night.
I also sent H a very friendly email today inviting him to our baby's 2nd birthday party next weekend (when did THAT happen!). Anyways, he responded immediately saying he totally wanted to come and wanted to help me with everything. That response is probably b/c he didn't help me AT ALL with our other son's 5th bday party a month ago, and he's been feeling really guilty about that. He has a TON of guilt these days. I also emailed some pictures of his kids to H and his parents and his sister today. I haven't initiated contact with any of them since this whole thing started, only b/c its so painful to me. I have always been very close to all of them. My MIL has contacted me several times over the last 8 months, but I have never responded. I just couldn't bring myself to do that. So sending them some pix was a big step for me. I know that no matter the outcome, these people will always be a huge part of my children's lives, and I owe it to my children to stay on good terms with them.
Our new neighbourhood gym finally opened today, so hopefully I will be able to start doing some classes soon too.
So nothing huge, but with being 99.9% responsible for my children (and working full time), I have very limited time to myself. I've also told myself that no MATTER WHAT, I am going to be happy and cheerful around H as much as I possibly can - thats what I was doing the first 6 months or so and things were going well. When he all of a sudden completely detached from me (when he started antidepressants), I realize I am just always sad around him now.
Anyways, I don't know what else to do at this point. Suggestions welcome.

[4betterorworse]

Very confused - yes our situations seem very similar. I love what you said about exuding confidence. That's one of my new goals, and I am going to think about you when I am doing it. What other things have you been doing? Any reaction from H yet?
And trust me, having 2 little children is a blessing in disguise. As much as I am struggling with being a single mother with no help from anyone, they keep me grounded, and they force me to stay stable, and they are a very good distraction from the horrible loneliness that I too feel. IMO, you are much tougher - if I was all alone with no distractions from my kids, I don't know if I would ever get out of bed. So you are doing great, IMO.

So yesterday ended up being a good day. As per my last post, I've decided to start living my life for me, and get back to showing my H what he's missing out on. H showed up last night to see the boys - I was very cheerful,and I also looked nice which helped. Helped him get the kids bathed, and put to bed. He asked where I was going last night (as I had asked him to stay so I could go out). I told him I didn't know yet (which was the truth - my gfriend and I were planning on going to a patio for apps and drinks but hadn't decided where yet). He asked if i was going with my good friend x - I simply said no, and left it at that (again the truth, but decided to leave him guessing as to who I actually was going out with). Put the kids to bed, and I started getting ready in my ensuite - H was on our bed watching tv while I got ready. I did myself up totally, and poured a glass of wine to have while I was doing my hair. Asked H if he wanted a glass, he said sure. As I was getting ready, I actually started suggesting some things he could take for his new house. I think he was quite surprised. I told him he should take the Wii as he always complained he never had time to play it. At first he said no, he would leave it for the boys, but they are too young to play on their own, so he thought about it and said 'i should take it, there's nothing else to do in an empty house'. Giggled to myself. Anyways, I made really cheerful chit chat as I was getting ready. Then I went to my closet and came out with a really short skirt, and pretty top. The nicest I've looked in a long time. He actually told me I looked nice. Its been a long time since I've heard that. Throughout the chit chat, he again asked about my plans, but I didn't really give him a straight answer. It felt good. He wasn't prying, and quite frankly I don't even think it affected him, but I was proud of myself. And doing myself all up had three purposes. First and foremost I knew I looked good, and that made ME feel good about ME. I need some more self esteem right now. Second, I want to remind H what he's missing out on. And three, I am technically single these days so I figure I should always look my best, b/c who knows when and where I might meet someone nice.
Anyways, went out, had some food and drinks. Chatted with a good friend. Had a nice time. Wasn't out late - was home by about 10:30. Chatted briefly with H, said good night and he left. I wasn't sad about him leaving or anything. And that felt like progress.

Anyways, who knows what my future holds, but I am going to keep this up b/c it makes ME feel good. I know there will be occasions that I backslide, but hopefully they get fewer and far between.

[a girl]

Good job! Hope you had a great night.

[GAL Man]

Just checking in on you, keep it up 4better

Good for you on going out, not just because you looked good it front of H, but for YOU, and the positive attitude is a must, again, great in front of H, but for YOU. You will find it surprising that the "act as if" will start to actually make you that way, take it from me IT WILL HELP. Looking and smelling good is a must at all times, not just in front of H, but H will notice even if he says nothing. Yes it's nice to get attention, but as with me, not ready for another R just yet.

Plus, the BBQ, great how small things make us feel good, same as me when I did the washing and ironing LOL

From my experience the vets here are correct, 180's and GAL activities DO HELP, mainly for you. I actually went 2 nights last week without thinking about W (when GAL) but thoughts are always there in the dead of night, so was a positive move.

Consistent actions are now the key for you

Ohh, and a few of points to remember. Keep telling yourself

1)       No matter what happens, you will handle it
2)       You are the only person responsible for your needs, wants and happiness
3)       Be willing to let go of what you have to get what you want
4)       Put yourself first (well after to two young ones)
5)       Life will happen