Stop the Coaster, I want OFF!

[ninelives]

Honestly , I would like to communicate the rest ala 2step , but I dont remember everything.


We did talk again about where we were going with this. something like.

M: So now what , If that was the last time we ML, at least it was touching and something worthy of our marriage unlike the last time where I felt that I was I dont know, almost forcing it

W: That was nice. I feel guilty though. I swore I would never cheat again.

M: I guess Im the OM now. YOu feel bad about that? Ive been your husband for over 17 years.

W: I dont feel bad that we made love, i feel bad that I am being deceitful.

M: So now what?

W: IDK, I want to work back to the family but I dont know how and I am terrified that it wont work out.

M: Nothing would be easy no matter how this goes. I have been working hard to understand this and to forgive.

( I told her about a website I am on and told the stories of denver , 2step and 25)
about how forgiveness must be unconditional. IU told her how much these people mean to me and how they have helped me grow as a person.

W: You are amazing. I dont deserve you or your forgiveness. I dont know anything right now.

M: Where were you this weekend.

W: I went away to a casino to see stomping tom conners. ( canadians will know)

M: Was it fun?

W: Parts of it were but on the way back it hit me> What am I doing? I am not happy .

M: OM is not doing it for you.

W: He tries really hard to please me. He loves me so much and never sits and is always doing something for me.

M: Thats because he knows that he is not in your league and he has to keep proving himself. He knows he is on shaky ground. That is not love.

W: I dont want to talk about him anymore.

We talked about a number of things but i dont remember a lot of it.

We went in , cuddled again. Made out, and then we made love again and I initiated one more time and this time it was on our couch were we did this hundreds of times.

She was more at ease this time. I told her that she is the only woman that i could climax with all the time and that to me she is the most beautiful woman in the world. ( which she is, BTW, she has put on weight again but i love it)

We talked again and I asked her.

M: We are not even close to recon so I dont know what this accomplished today. Why did this happen.

W: I D K

m: you were temper checking me weren't you to see where you stood.

W: What does that mean.

M: It means that every time you think I have really moved on , you need to pull me back to make sure i am still there

W: I guess there is some truth to it.

At that point i said a little prayer out loud.

M: Please God, help me get this woman out of my soul so I can heal and move on for real.

W: Thats funny, I pray the opposite. I pray that God helps me find my way back to my family.

AT that point she started to what I thought was laugh but it was cry uncontrollably again.

I did comfort her and told her that I would love that but I dont think its going to happen because I didnt think she could let OM go.

She told me she could but that it would not be easy and that it would take time.

She asked me if anyone on my site had taken a lot of time .

M: I think that Jack 3beans gave his wife alot of time and seem to remember that his wife was thankful he did not give up.

W: Please dont give up on me. I understand that you must close the door but don t lock it.

M: I cant stand that you are still with OM . Its not the sex , its the holding hands when you walk , the going away together, the valentine stuff. How much more do you think I can take.

W: I know i hurt you bad and I am soooo sorry but I need to find my way back on my own terms.

M: And you are willing to risk them while with OM. Im sorry but I may not be waiting for you when you have that epiphany.

W: I almost need to hit rock bottom.

M: And then you want me to rescue you.

W: I dont know, im just not happy and i havent been.

M: Can i ask you a question?

W: Sure

M: Why do you text me so much? Its not emergencies about kids.

W: Because I want to initiate some contact with you

M: Why? Do you miss me or soemthing.

W: Ofcourse I do. I miss so many things about you. How upbeat you are, how we watched movies together, your massages.

M: Then why do you contiue with OM? I just dont get it. He is so far beneath you and somehow has a hold on you.

W: I run the show in that relationship.

M: So thats it, you feel control

W: I dont know, when I with held sex from you or didnt want you to kiss me, I was in Control then in our relationship. ITs the only way I could exercise control.

M: Thats not what relationships should be about.

W: I know but I always felt so powerless

M: Im sorry you felt that way. You left too early. We were just getting out of debt and children were getting older we could have done things.

W: I wish I could turn back time, I would not have done those things and I would have tried harder to speak my mind to you about what was wrong. But its too late now isn"t it. I effed up everything.

M: I D K if its too late. I dont know much of anything right now. I am confused.

She left and got youngest son and went to beach for swim. Then she came back alone and was in her bathing suit. I did not know what she was up to .

M: YOu are back, cant stay away huh?

W: Had to bring back dog. She is wet , went for swim.

M: Ok, well, i have some stuff for you. I gave her pics of the boys and there were pics of us .

W: Boy we sure looked happy then. Wish I could go back to those days.

M: Yes, well they werent all bad.

W: Well I should go.

M: What was today all about?

W: IDK, Im messed up. I need help.

M: Why dont you try being on your own for a while and see what you need to get better.

W: I want to but I cant right now.

M: Ok, Im tired of talking in circles. If you want to contuinue with scumbag, then its your path to follow.

W: What about you, ru going to keep seeing that btch.

M: What has she ever done to you? What Have i ever done

W: I know I have no right to be upset. I know all you have ever done is love me unconditionally. I just dont know what i want right now.

M: Fine, take all the time you need but do it alone. If you contuinue with OM, I cant promise you Ill be here for you.

W: I gotta go.

More to update cause it takes an ugly turn again but I am tired.

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