4evah'n'evah... awww maaan...

[aeolianchaos]

I feel like a selfish jerk, sometimes. When I catch myself appearing as though I won't try to earn a significant earning because I don't want my M to be based on money, that it MUST be based on LOVE alone.

Are your really being selfish? I guess there is a difference between contributing $ to the household and having a marriage based on it. I mean, we all have to survive.

Choosing an EA (and possible PA)... to "opt out" of the M... even though we are not D at this time... I feel that's cruel and unusual punishment. Yet, if I do not change, then I can appreciate that my W is finally considering that I may NEVER change and so is pursuing a life without me.

I think that is undesirable, but people do it all the time. It doesn't make them right, but I guess it helps to know that its a common path of illogical thinking.

This is a tough one - you have a lot of reasons for doing what you do that are somewhat philosophical and possess validity. Is there any middle ground?

I mean, you find it offensive that $$ is such a factor for your W, but you didn't opt to leave the marriage. So, can she be flexible on this at all? If she can't - why not? Is it so integral to her sense of self that to be flexible would cost her something greater than money?

I would just like to hear her words... not the "I really believed this was the one" (the financial opportunity) as though I had finally confirmed that I WAS a failure... but rather "I hoped that was the one, and it wasn't, but there will be other opportunities and I believe in you..."

Yeah - have you ever read "Mindset" by Carol Dweck? It sounds like your wife has a very fixed mindset about this kind of stuff. At least w/ you/others. I can only imagine how frustrating those words must have been for you - I'm sure tht some of her perspective is informed by your actions/words but it sounds like she has her own thing going on that is also making it hard to communicate/collaborate.