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[RedNailPolish]

Thanks for your response Seeking. It is difficult for me to detach from my H when he acts this way towards me. Its almost "as if" we are together. We are a family.

When he hugged me last night, S3 came over and hugged us too - group hug . It was such a beautiful moment but sad too. I really dont understand how anybody can act this way towards his family. Be loving and kind and generous and then walk away, sleep with OW and not contact for days on end.

I know I have to keep the road home paved and smooth but I have to be honest and say that it is just as difficult when your H is loving towards you, as it is if your H is full of hate and spewing venom. Infact I almost wish he did hate me. It would be easier to hate and detach in return. But here I am full of love for a man who is with OW.

[seeking answers]

RNP,

I can tell you right now that being detached is not about hating your S. It is loving them from a distance. It is where you let go to the point that you do not concern yourself with what your H is doing because you are focused on yourself and your journey. I can also tell you that it takes a while to get to that place.

I really dont understand how anybody can act this way towards his family. Be loving and kind and generous and then walk away, sleep with OW and not contact for days on end.

It is quite possible that your H does this ^^^ because he is cycling. He goes for days on end having fun and no responsibilities. He then starts to feel guilty and misses his family. He comes and spends some time with you and S. He makes sure you're still there. This relieves some guilt and assures him you're where he left you. He leaves and it starts all over again. This is the rollercoaster. Right now you're aboard with him. You have the choice to get off and not participate on the ride. This is where being detached helps immensely.

So many things that DBing recommends are counter intuitive to how the LBS thinks they should handle things. I am not advocating being cold and uncaring toward your H, but giving him the impression through your actions that he may lose you if he doesn't get himself figured out. Do not verbalize this, just be mysterious, busy and happy with your life.

Sweetie, you're very new to this and I don't discount the fact that you have needs too. We all do. All I wanted at the beginning of this was for my H to wrap his arms around me and tell me it was all going to be OK. That didn't happen, may never happen and probably won't happen anytime soon. You know what? I'm busy with my own journey, happy to be finding myself again, and now absolutely know that if it doesn't happen, I'm going to be just fine.

It takes a long time for the MLCer to figure themselves out. If they come home too quickly w/o dealing with their issues, you may find yourself back here in a few years.

Be grateful for the time you have, use it to help make you the very best RNP you can be. You will come to view it as a gift.

[RedNailPolish]

Thank you Seeking I appreciate your advice

I dont want to sound pathetic but its been 5 days since I have not googled OW. Im hoping that I wont feel the urge so much and it will just become the norm from here on in. I realise that obsessing about OW is giving her power and that is not something that I want to do, though I admit that it is difficult because it feels like H has chosen her over me.

I still ask myself what is it that she has that I dont? Why is he with her and not me? Why is he so confused about what and who he wants? I know I am 10 times the woman she is or ever will be. I am beautiful, funny, smart and loving. I have a beautiful son, a great family and wonderful friends. But I cannot fill the void in my heart. I love my H dearly. I feel he is my true love. Could it be that I am only feeling this way because he abandoned me? and has chosen to be with someone else? Is it that trivial?

Its been a little over 3 months since we seperated. In the first month he told me he was done. We were through. He was happy. The happiest hed ever been.

Now he has said he doesnt know what he wants. He is confused about life and where he is headed. He has quite his job and is "extricating himself from a difficult situation". I want so much to believe this. He took baby steps. Told me he hadnt ruled out reconciling. The following week he told me he "hoped we could work it out". But in the same breath said he needed time to "sort his sh!t out".

But he is still with OW. And I feel like we are going backwards. No forward movements. No phone calls or making plans to spend more time together.

Am I being impatient?

[RedNailPolish]

Saw H briefly as he was picking up S3. He was very cold towards me. Whilst talking he was crossing his arms, looked uncomfortable. I tried to have PMA but H wasn't receptive despite flirting with me via text all of yesterday afternoon. Now he was very cold and stand offish.

[RedNailPolish]

Went out last nite with a girlfriend. Had dinner and went to a pub. Got hit on by several guys. The reason was I took my ring off. I didn't want to. But a part of me felt that I needed to feel attractive again. I wanted to feel like guys still thought I was attractive. It worked like a charm. I got attention and plenty of it. Did I enjoy it? No. But I did end up meeting a really nice guy and ended up giving him my number. He has already text me and requested to be my friend on FB. Attractive yes. But I'm no where near ready to have a R with someone.

I still love my H.

I did some reflecting last night. It would seem that there was movement from H because I went dark. It obviously gave him time to miss me - he even said as much. However, I have now said that I would do the family stuff so how do I continue?

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you Seeking I appreciate your advice

I dont want to sound pathetic but its been 5 days since I have not googled OW.

Well, okay...don't google her or FB her or any such thing. It's not healthy.
Or helpful. It is self inflicted pain and it's a lose lose.

If she looked like Angelina Jolie and earned 6 figures and LOVES sex ALL THE TIME...and is brilliant and kind and hilarious...

you'd feel like crap....

but if she's a crack ho, who dresses and acts like one, and isn't literate

or smart or kind or into sex at all

you'd feel like crap...(gee, see any pattern?)


Im hoping that I wont feel the urge so much and it will just become the norm from here on in. I realise that obsessing about OW is giving her power and that is not something that I want to do, though I admit that it is difficult because it feels like H has chosen her over me.

See above^^ comment.


I still ask myself what is it that she has that I dont? Why is he with her and not me? Why is he so confused about what and who he wants?

SEE ABOVE COMMENT....^^^^and don't ask questions HE lacks the answers to b/c it's such a waste! Been there, done that.

I know I am 10 times the woman she is or ever will be. I am beautiful, funny, smart and loving. I have a beautiful son, a great family and wonderful friends.

FOCUS ON THAT^^^ AND BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE.

But I cannot fill the void in my heart.

give it time and don't say you "can't" do anything in life. You can.

I love my H dearly. I feel he is my true love. Could it be that I am only feeling this way because he abandoned me? and has chosen to be with someone else? Is it that trivial?

We all have our egos.

Ask yourself how you'd feel if he had died a few years ago. Would you curl up and die? Would you always be miserable and asking why he had died and how? Would you always feel sad, eternally? Or would you move on?


Envision your life without him BUT happy...what does it look like? Detail the images....and ask yourself What would your life look like IF YOU WERE HAPPY without your h?

what can you create in your life to match THAT image now??


Its been a little over 3 months since we seperated. In the first month he told me he was done. We were through. He was happy. The happiest hed ever been.

Now he has said he doesnt know what he wants. He is confused about life and where he is headed. He has quite his job and is "extricating himself from a difficult situation".

This is progress from where he was when he left. That much seems clear.


I want so much to believe this. He took baby steps. Told me he hadnt ruled out reconciling. The following week he told me he "hoped we could work it out". But in the same breath said he needed time to "sort his sh!t out".

Okay so your real worry is either that he's not home YET!! Which is impatience and unrealistic expectations on your end...OR

you fear cake eating. And with just 3 months into this, is that really a fear you have of a long term sitch?

You have some control here ya know. You can end things if you feel he's cake eating and not truly making any movement towards home.

I don't happen to agree with that point of view YET...

but if you cannot handle limbo

then end it.

Push him off the fence

but know you won't likely push him onto the side you want.

But he is still with OW. And I feel like we are going backwards. No forward movements. No phone calls or making plans to spend more time together.

Am I being impatient?

you are being impatient, imo. And but for the fact that he's with OW,

what else makes you feel he's not moving?

That he swings back from one mood to the other? That he can be very nasty?

Those are lousy factors to be dealing with. Are they reactions of his to YOU or your obsessing? Or

is it just HIS behavior?

If it is just who HE IS Now, go back to the "ego" factors and figure out why you want THIS back in your life.

Maybe it is ego and that's not a small thing. But it has to be recognized for what it is.

[RedNailPolish]

When I read your posts 25 I feel like you know something I dont. You are so confident and I am so lost.

Things took another backward step on the weekend. H dropped S3 off on Saturday and we were meant to go to the park briefly to go finalise my application for childcare rebate. However, S3 was very upset about having to leave H and come home to me. Typical toddler tantrum but it upset H very much and he took off.

H then sent me a text to apologise and asked to have more access to S3. He wants to have him all weekend one week and then most of the weekend the following. This really upset me because it was only two weeks ago that he came to me to let me know that he did not want to change the custody of S3 and he was happy as things were. Now here we are again. Urrrgggghhh. I am also unhappy because I am not a stay at home mum and the weekends are when S3 and I spend most of our time together.

H and I got into a little bit of a heated argument via text. I ended up telling him I was hurt and upset by his confusion and continually wanting different things (probably referring to other things as well).

So another fight and more NC from H.

I was very upset and ended up calling MIL. She discussed the situation with me at lenght and made me feel a little better. She does think that H spending more time with S3 can only be a good thing. She tried to assure me that things will get better. But who really knows.

Need more focus on me and GAL.

[RedNailPolish]

Oh great....

H just emailed me, and he's mad.

MIL brought up a conversation we had when H and I first seperated. I mentioned how confused H was. And his thinking was all over the place. I said that he doesnt believe in marriage even going so far as to say that his parents only stayed married for tax purposes.

Well MIL told H over the weekend that I had said that. H is mad that I told her that.

Here is what he wrote:
"More notably, discussing that my parents may have remained married for tax purposes. I haven't discussed information with your mum which could potentially harm your relationship with her. My relationship with mum and dad is the most stable relationship that I have at present and is the best that it has been in years. I don't need it compromised by your discussions with her"

Why would MIL say that to him? I just dont understand her at all sometimes. One minute I feel like she is on my side and the next....well she does this.

[seeking answers]

RNP,

Use this as a lesson learned. Stop talking to your MIL about your H and anything that H has told you.

Blood is thicker than water and if you want to stay in your MIL good graces, and even if you don't, it is wise to zip your lip.

If you should reconcile with your H you don't want any issues that would pit you against your MIL, and force your H to choose between the two of you.

Use the utmost discretion with anything you say to MIL that involves your H and or them.

[25yearsmlc]

RNP,

Use this as a lesson learned. Stop talking to your MIL about your H and anything that H has told you.

Blood is thicker than water and if you want to stay in your MIL good graces, and even if you don't, it is wise to zip your lip.

If you should reconcile with your H you don't want any issues that would pit you against your MIL, and force your H to choose between the two of you.

Use the utmost discretion with anything you say to MIL that involves your H and or them.

THIS ^^^^^ is right on...no more MIL heart to hearts. You can be pleasant and encourage her having time with her grandson

but you cannot use HER to get H to change..


Red, going back, did your h have other affairs?

(I'm asking to refresh my memory not rehash the past)

How long is the m also? And his age? Thanks