I am so lost... Please someone help me!

[aeolianchaos]

would rather REACT NOW...even if it hurts YOU MORE in the long run

and even if it hurts your family and marriage...

b/c you can't handle not knowing...

J1,

What do you fear will happen if you don't change what you are doing?

There is a reason everyone is saying 'back off.' Because you are at what seems like step 10 when you need to be closer to step 1.

I think you are not at a place yet for boundaries and ultimatums. Of course, take care of your children and make sure they don't have to deal with anything ugly or traumatizing, but in terms of your numbered list.. write it up and toss it out/burn it.

Focus on you being the best J1 you can, and let your W deal with the cognitive dissonance that is going to come about as a result. Don't you want to feel good about yourself? Wouldn't you prefer to thrive? Shouldn't you make a commitment to yourself that your children will have a role model of a father who knows how to truly honor himself and others?

None of this has to be 'for' your W. Do it for you.

You are 'getting your swagger back' and she is just going to have to deal with that.