WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

As mentioned above - the first IC that I saw (when it was all about me, at least as far as I knew) mentioned something to me that stuck "Happiness is fleeting, contentment runs deeper."

I have been thinking about how this applies in the context of this whole situation. It makes sense that in many ways, I shouldn't be trying to be happy about it. However, I do feel in some ways like there are many gifts for me to unwrap in here. And that makes me feel a sense of contentment and confidence. Even, to a degree, positive expectations.

Of course, I could just be getting enamored with my own thinking - I do tend to do that, and its something I need to work at remaining balanced on.

On another note, and I could use some.. feedback/support/input/perspective/whatever on this one.

I am finding myself confronting something that is a little scary but I think is positive:

I find myself feeling like its possible to have compassion for the OM.


This one leaves me a little tied up and conflicted.

I find myself asking two fundamental questions:

1) What does holding on to my negative feelings get me?
2) What does letting go of my negative feelings get me?

And then:
1) Which do I want?
2) Which enables me to move forward?


My ego, as could be imagined, is bouncing off the walls here. When I found out about the PA, I did my best to compartmentalize thoughts about it so I could deal with other things, but when W moved back in I definitely found myself having very angry and violent fantasies about what I might do if I ran into him. W had mentioned that OM was scared of me and I think perhaps this fed into my own egoic mind of needing to make myself feel superior. I won't go into detail, but lets just say that none of these things would have been appropriate to act on.

But now, I find myself in a different place - 1.5 months after she officially walked out and I've spent that time looking inside myself and seeking to understand and grow.

And I find my thoughts drift to the A, and I find my thoughts on the OM to be more "He is dealing with his own issues." Whereas before it was "He is a worthless DB (not DivorceBusting..) lying manipulative... POS.. predator... etc..."

I think I know what the 'best choice' for me is, but there is a part of me that is afraid to allow it - to accept that this person did what they did and yet I still can find compassion towards them as a human being. To let go of the fact that this person looked me in the eye, shook my hand, smiled to my face, etc.. and just recognize that whatever their situation is, it is his situation and I don't have to take it personally.

I'm experiencing the typical ego responses that come with the possibility of letting go of this - but when I ask myself what my real fear is, I realize its something I'm not afraid of anymore.

I've been rejected. I've been abandoned. I've been called inadequate. I've been betrayed. All by the person who I love. None of these things really scare me right now because I've lived through it, and I'm still here.

I think what scares me is a loss of sense of self. So much of the past couple months has been a stripping down of me, looking into a place that exists beneath my role as a spouse, as an artist, as a son, as a sibling. My resentment towards this other person may be something my ego is hanging on to. Do I really lose anything though? Maybe I gain something?

Thoughts??