Can My Marriage Be Saved?

[a girl]

Mornings still suck. Going to start listening to my "Being Positive" guided meditation in the morning and see if that helps.

Here's hoping today is better than yesterday was.

[a girl]

Journalling - I never know if it has one "L" or two.

Anyway. Did some guided meditation. It helped - I'm feeling down, but I know it would have been worse. Have 2 guided meditations I'm listening to - "Positive Thinking" and "Success". Also trying to take a few minutes throughoutnthe day for "Creative Visualization" - it sounds new age, but I do believe it works. Between all that and my pilates, I feel more centered. Trying to sort out doing a yoga class each week.

H is at the store - he wants to slow smoke a brisket for the 4th. Weird to me that he wants to do a "special" meal, but I'm enthusiastic as I can be.

He's also been doing a lot of cleaning out the basement/garage. Part of me thinks it's in case we separate, but part of me knows he's been wanting to do it for a while and is on a "stop being lazy!" kick. I guess its good either way.

Not sure what I/we'll do today. I'm not up for suggesting anything like Geocaching. It's unlikely he'll suggest anything. Probably he'll play video games. Maybe I'll take S to the park.

Anyway. Little low. Appreciate the input I'm getting, though.

[~¤DG¤~]

It sounds to me like you are doing about as well as can be expected.

Mornings were always rough for me, especially at first. Now they aren't nearly as bad. It's amazing what you can get used to.

[a girl]

Guh, he's so confusing!

He was cranky earlier (trying not to have caffeine, which makes him a bear), and took a nap.

After he got up he wandered down to the office in a better mood. Saw I was playing WoW and got interested in what I was doing. Spent probably 45 minutes down here with me talking about what I was doing, looking stuff up online, generally being chatty.

Then he went up to work out, came back down for a minute to look at stuff for me again, then headed out to buy a brisket to smoke for tomorrow.

That's also weird. I mentioned that I'd like a smoked brisket, but they didn't have one at Safeway today when he went. He got ribs, and I was fine with that. But then he was like "No, you wanted brisket, I'm going out again to QFC to see if they have one." I told him ribs were fine, but he was insistent.

We chatted a bit about our respective workouts before he left (pilates kills my "trunk" and I was sort of whining), but it was just normal chatty conversation.

He got back with a brisket. We talked in the kitchen about food, and generally joked around - he was way more relaxed and "normal" than usual.

Anyway, now he's upstairs in the living on his laptop, logged into WoW making stuff for me. I guess I can see why he's upstairs - he's cooking dinner on the grill, and it's easier than running up and down the stairs - plus S is in the office and being sort of loud.

Anyway, he's being more "normal" than he's been in weeks. I know this is "typical", and I should regard it as a small step, and expect him to "backslide" because I've read that after any small connection, they pull often pull away.

But I dunno, it's been nice. Any thoughts/insights?

[~ kd ~]

Is "Guh" a word...? And you're into WoW!? Cool... beans...!

Anyway, he's being more "normal" than he's been in weeks. I know this is "typical", and I should regard it as a small step, and expect him to "backslide" because I've read that after any small connection, they pull often pull away.

But I dunno, it's been nice. Any thoughts/insights?

Yup... enjoy the brisket...

Wish there was some magic wand... sorry, there ain't.

Remain pleasant and be ready to back away if there's a back slide...

Keep us posted and pass the beans!

[a girl]

Well, he came down and spent over an hour in the office, occasionally chatting with me, both of us on WoW. Now he's gone back upstairs - he's mentioned before that his back hurts sometimes in his office chair, and he's more comfortable on the couch. He asked if I wanted to do some stuff with him in the game, though, so I don't think he's avoiding me.

I don't know. It's hard not to get my hopes up, but then I just hear him saying, "I am not in love with you anymore! I do not have romantic feelings!" and, well, it's hard to have hope at all.

[a girl]

Is "Guh" a word...? And you're into WoW!? Cool... beans...!

Guh is totally a word! It's an expression you make when you're exasperated. I make it a lot lately.

We are into WoW. It's kept me pretty occupied tonight, which I needed.

[a girl]

First morning in a long time I didn't wake up cranky. I think the visualization and guided meditation are helping. I'm about to listen to "Positive Thinking" and then get up. We'll see how H is this morning.

[a girl]

Having a hard time so far this morning. He was in the office when I came down - decided that while I'm not going to follow him, I like to eat breakfast on my computer and I'm not going to stop.

He played with S for a while, then headed upstairs. He said "I just really like our living room. It's nice." Okay.

I chatted with him briefly when I went up for a soda, but just now while making S lunch and putting dishes away, he didn't say anything and I didn't go in to talk to him.

Keep going back and forth on how can he have gone from normal and happy to unhappy and not in love in a month. Although I've been certain he's not having an A, it's getting harder to hold on to that certainty.

Anyway. Could really use some help talking myself down - fighting the urge to just go in and yell at him. Not productive. Doesn't get me closer to my goals. Need to just back off and not engage. But it's hard.

[a girl]

More journalling. H spent some time fixing a dent in our back bumper this afternoon - I thanked him and told him it looked really nice. Came out and helped for a few minutes, then told him to send S for me if he needed me (this is different, as previously I would just wait around in case he needed me).

Chatted with him for a few minutes upstairs - he reaffirmed that he's just more comfortable up there. Told him I didn't think he was avoiding S and I, which seemed to make him feel better.

Asked him when he's doing his workout, and did he want me to keep S occupied while he did it - he said no, S was fine to come with.

I came back to the office - have been playing with S for a while. Feeling a bit nervous about our fireworks plans for tonight - hope it's not all weird and awkward.