my heart is breaking

[missmyfriend]

kermit, thanks for stopping by my thread. I really appreciate your comments and you have some very good information you provided.

I would like to share some things that I hope is not unwelcome. Plus I am not being critical of you or what you are doing. To be honest, you are reacting to your situation in an honest way. You do need to (privately) acknowledge how you've been hurt. You need to properly grieve. If your H had passed away, you would be expected by everyone to cry and play back all of the moments you have had together. No one has the right to tell you how long you should mourn (and I am not saying anyone here has given you bad advice as I see a lot of excellent advice). The same can be said of losing your spouse the way you have but what adds to the pain is that your spouse has "willingly" removed himself from the marriage.

Not to minimize the pain lost through death because I would still prefer to have lost my W this way rather than her loss of life. At the same time, there was a choice by our spouses to leave. They wouldn't agree that they had a choice but they did. We all have choices.

In fact, that is why so many are encouraging you to utilize the DB tools because they do work. Many of the tools are designed to help the LBS deal with the issues that have been thrust upon them and to help stop the damaging actions/words we use to try and hang on to our spouse.

Do not hesitate to say how you feel on this board. I understand that you are venting here and you should feel free to. The downside is that the people on this board cannot tell whether you are acting out what you are sharing or simply sharing. The other concern is your emotional well-being and the people here care about you. They see you hurting so they want to share with you what has helped them. I think they are beautiful people who have so much depth and concern. So many people today want others to suffer along with them but not the average person on this board (I have come across some that participate here that fall into the other group but they dont last long).

kermit, you shared your faith with me on my thread so I hope what I am about to share can help. Please understand that I am not preaching and that I am still a work in progress and don't always heed my advice.

1. Put God first.

I know you love God. I also know that you know that He MUST come first before everything, including your H. In order to have more peace, I have learned that I had to move it from my head to my heart. Everytime I feel hopeless about my situation, I am not putting God first. I still find myself putting my W first at times (in my mind) but I know that if He isn't first, my life will never make sense.

2. Trust in God...with EVERYTHING!

God has promised to take care of you; not to cause you harm and to bless you. While we don't know how things will turn out, we know that God absolutely hates divorce. He detests it. He said so. Trust that He will take care of you.

Are you expecting more in my list? Honestly, that's it. I can go into more detail but the fact is that God has to come first and we need to trust Him with everything.

Yes, God gave us free will. We have free will to decide what we do and how we do it. However, there is something that many people miss that is clarified in the bible numerous times.

We have free will but God's will can supersede our own. He will let us make our own decisions but if they are counter to His, He will make things very, very challenging for us. I can't say what God's will is for your life or what He will do with your marriage. I have no idea what He will do with mine. But I do trust Him absolutely (and sometimes I forget that and start feeling depressed).

I also wouldn't worry about what happens, who says what or if your kids do something that may drive your H away. You have no control over others. I had to learn that the hard way. I used to worry about what the kids would hear, what they would say or do, what a relative may hear, friends, etc. I cannot control that and I no longer want to control things (it was delusional on my part). As the old saying goes, "Let go and let God".

Let go, kermit. Let your H see God working through you.