I am respectfully giving you the time you need to process everything that happened yesterday. I want to make my request to you very clear, so here goes:
1. I cannot, and will not live under the same roof with someone who is unfaithful. It is repulsive to me.
2. if you chose to continue to see this other person, then it is time for you to leave, I will give you 30 days.
3. If you choose to stay in our home with our family, your relationship with this other person is to be terminated permanently immediately.
I am reiterating some of what I said yesterday, I expect a reply to this email as soon as you have read it, so that I know you understand.
We are counting on you.
Thoughts?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I think you should hold up on sending her that message. Don't say anything to her about what you are thinking right now. I suggest you keep your thoughts to yourself for a few days. Let her wonder what you are thinking, especially after you confronted her. Instead of you jumping in (like you always do), just stay closed mouth about it for a few days.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
BTW, I am not suggesting that you act like you are okay with her having an A! Don't try to be buddies with her. Put space between you, physically and contacts. Leave her alone.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think you should hold up on sending her that message. Don't say anything to her about what you are thinking right now. I suggest you keep your thoughts to yourself for a few days. Let her wonder what you are thinking, especially after you confronted her. Instead of you jumping in (like you always do), just stay closed mouth about it for a few days.
I second this. Absolutely DO NOT send that to her.
Do you want to force and manipulate her to come back to you or do you want her to do make that decision for herself and do it willingly?
She is an adult, so are you. There is a lot emotions going through you right now. You need to control those emotions and you do have to let her feel safe and let her process what you told her. Just give this some time Johnnie.
I have appointments this week with my Dr, Priest and Therapist, I guess that covers medical, spiritual and mental aspects of coming to grips with this.
In essence, I will just go dark with her.
There are so many questions I have for her. I don't know why I feel this need to know the painful details. But now I do know why she dropped the letter bomb. It is clear to me that she wanted out to peruse EA, and wants to begin her new life.
I am trying to understand if her tears were because she was upset at being caught, or ashamed and guilty... Does she have remourse? I just don't know. I suppose I am trying to get any ray of light I can find right now. Does her tears show her that she still has feelings for the M?
Where do I go now?
What will I say to her when we can both talk?
When will we be able to talk?
J
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
At the same time, stand firm on your position with regard to OM. Preserve your self respect and dignity. I believe that a WAS needs to know that a LBS WILL NOT be disrespected... That means only say something to her if you find new information regarding her A...
Unlike you I do not want details of my W EA... I snooped and found more than I needed to know...
As far as remorse, she more than likely feels none... My W still has not apologized... Only now does she feel remorse... And only just a little...
Let me share an exerpt of something my W wrote to OM when she ended it last October...
"People come in to our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime... We sometimes don't know why at the time... Sometimes it's just to be saved."
That's how my W saw it. She was unhappy and needed to be saved. Which in turn makes her feel it was justified and "meant to be"...
Hard for W to be remorseful when it's "meant to be."
Personally I feel it's BS otherwise everyone that cheated could justify it the same way..
But the fact that I FEEL its BS does not matter...
You know why?
Because SHE believed it...
Don't look for remorse... Its not there... Not yet!
Just stand firm with regard to the A...
And everything else will fall into place...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Sadbuthappy has spoke the truth, and he learned most of that first hand. There are many here that can share your desparate feelings. I, on the other hand, identify more with the WAW in an EA.
Quote:
There are so many questions I have for her. I don't know why I feel this need to know the painful details.
If you mean details about the EA, just remember that the more you find out...the harder it will be for the brain not to play over & over.
Quote:
But now I do know why she dropped the letter bomb. It is clear to me that she wanted out to peruse EA, and wants to begin her new life.
Quote:
I am trying to understand if her tears were because she was upset at being caught, or ashamed and guilty... Does she have remourse? I just don't know. I suppose I am trying to get any ray of light I can find right now. Does her tears show her that she still has feelings for the M?
Only she can answer your questions, but I can maybe give you one side. As Sadbuthappy said, the WAW who is an EA doesn't usually have remorse, guilt, or shamed feelings. Even if she agrees to stop the EA and stay in the M, she will not have the emotions that you so despartely want her to have. In time, she may, but it will take a long time.
Quote:
Where do I go now?
Do you still want to save the M?
Quote:
What will I say to her when we can both talk?
Here's the thing, Johnnie, you need to just listen to what she says, and don't worry about your part of the conversation. It is important for you to look her in the eyes and really listen, instead of you trying to fix things with a vocabulary. I know how hard that can be, b/c that is the type personality I have always had. But I've learned that it can't be all fixed in a talk. It has to be lived....a little step at a time until you get there.
Quote:
When will we be able to talk?
Depends upon what type of talk you want to have.
I have to stop for a while, but I'll get back later.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You can ask later, IF you still want the details down the road, you can ask when you can handle them.
Once you know, you can't un-ring the bell. So please hold off on that.
And don't send the letter.
Mostly, you are talking about giving an ultimatum...that's fine if and only if
you are ready to follow through on it.
If you tell her to choose NOW
be ready for her NOT to choose you.
Are you ready for that? Really?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
