J1, I know exactly what you're going through and I am so sorry for your pain.
You can't sleep, eat, work... You're consumed by thoughts of W laughing, playing with, connecting with OP.
I know, I was there 8 months ago... Pacing, mind racing, scheming, thinking of ways to fix this...
But the only thing that will fix this is TIME!!! So TRY to relax even though I know it's almost impossible.
I laid down the same boundary you did/will... That I will not live in an open marriage. That doing so would create a twisted lifestyle that I refuse to be a part of...
I told her if she CHOOSE to continue her R with OM than she would need to leave the bed right away and the home within 30 days. BUT if she CHOOSE to stay we could work on our M...
Eight months later we are together. She decided that her family is worth more than her A. During that time I decided to trust but verify (which means you really don't trust). I installed a key logger on the computer, checked her texts on the phone AND the numbers on line, checked the phone database to see what email she was going to (that's right, she set up a secret email), checked her work to make sure she was there... I never once caught her in a lie. But you can't get caught checking up on her...
I was ready to kick her out if she was continuing a R with OM. And that's where you really need to be IF you choose to set a boundary.
Its not just "set it and forget it"...
It's SET IT...
CHECK SND CONFIRM...
AND ACT ON ANY RESULTS CALMLY BUT FIRMLY...
There is a saying that I used to believe...
"The person that cares the least had the most control..."
I no longer believe that though...
I believe...
"The person that stays rational and calm has the most control."
Do what's right for J1... And start by working through this pain...
It does get easier... Trust us... We have been exactly where you are...
Good luck my friend...
SBH, it's nice to hear a success story. I admire the stand you took for your marriage, and for fidelity.
Thank you sad but happy. Your words are very encouraging. Would you recommend that I send her the following email?
"Wife
Well yesterday was a rough day for both of us. No doubt you didn't sleep much either. I am respectfully giving you the time you need to process everything that happened yesterday. I want to make my request to you very clear, so here goes:
1. I cannot, and will not live under the same roof with someone who is continuing to be unfaithful. In my heart that Is NOT a line that I am willing to cross for anyone.
2. if you chose to continue to see this other person, then it is time for you to leave, I will give you 30 days. I do NOT want our kids exposed to that.
3. If you choose to stay and work on our relationship, then I expect a REAL effort, not just lip service. I will continue to work on me, as I have been doing, but I also think we will need to use marriage counseling.
4. If you choose to stay in our home with our family, your relationship with this other person is to be terminated immediately.
I am reiterating some of what I said yesterday, because It is the biggest decision of your life. I expect a reply to this email as soon as you have read it, so that I know you understand.
We are counting on you."
Is there anything I am missing?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
J1, I would keep it a bit more simple. If she is willing to give up OM, that would be enough for now. All the rest about working on the M and going to MC may be too much.
Remember that a WAW feels entitled to a point. They easily justify their position by their reasoning that the M us already over.
Your W is in a complete fog picturing herself free as a bird and happy with OM.
It's a fantacy land because it's not real life...
Stay calm... Be firm... But be nice... OM needs to be gone to heal the family...
Other opinions welcome...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
I have not talked about OM since the day I set my boundary. That's 7 months ago... As hard as it is not to it's the only way...
Good luck my friend...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Well yesterday was a rough day for both of us. No doubt you didn't sleep much either. I am respectfully giving you the time you need to process everything that happened yesterday. I want to make my request to you very clear, so here goes:
1. I cannot, and will not live under the same roof with someone who is continuing to be unfaithful. That Is NOT a line that I am willing to cross for anyone.
2. if you chose to continue to see this other person, then it is time for you to leave, I will give you 30 days. I do NOT want our kids exposed to that.
3. If you choose to stay and work on our relationship, then I expect a REAL effort, not just lip service. I will continue to work on me, as I have been doing,
4. If you choose to stay in our home with our family, your relationship with this other person is to be terminated permanently immediately.
I am reiterating some of what I said yesterday, because I want to be clear, it is a decision that impacts everyone in our familys life. I expect a reply to this email as soon as you have read it, so that I know you understand.
We are counting on you.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Starsky is good with words and boundaries, I hope he throws his 2 cents in here.
IMO, leave out #3 all together.
Quote:
"Wife
Well yesterday was a rough day for both of us. No doubt you didn't sleep much either. I am respectfully giving you the time you need to process everything that happened yesterday. I want to make my request to you very clear, so here goes:
I cannot, and will not live under the same roof with someone who is continuing to be unfaithful. That Is NOT a line that I am willing to cross for anyone.
if you chose to continue to see this other person, then it is time for you to leave, I will give you 30 days. I do NOT want our kids exposed to that.3. If you choose to stay and work on our relationship, then I expect a REAL effort, not just lip service. I will continue to work on me, as I have been doing,
If you choose to stay in our home with our family, your relationship with this other person is to be terminated permanently immediately.
I am reiterating some of what I said yesterday, because I want to be clear, it is a decision that impacts everyone in our familys life.I expect a reply to this email as soon as you have read it, so that I know you understand.
We are counting on you.
IMO, the stuff in red is just guilt.
Are you respectfully giving her time to process or do you want a reply immediately?
Just a few suggestions ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I am respectfully giving you the time you need to process everything that happened yesterday. I want to make my request to you very clear, so here goes:
1. I cannot, and will not live under the same roof with someone who is unfaithful. It Is NOT a line that I am willing to cross for anyone.
2. if you chose to continue to see this other person, then it is time for you to leave, I will give you 30 days. I do NOT want our kids exposed to that.
3. If you choose to stay in our home with our family, your relationship with this other person is to be terminated permanently immediately.
I am reiterating some of what I said yesterday, I expect a reply to this email as soon as you have read it, so that I know you understand.
We are counting on you.
J
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Johnnie, I think you are wanting to send her this list b/c you want to fix her and fix the M. That's why you wanted to get her into MC, that's why you were concerned she had not talked to anyone, and that's why you talked to others and even the OM.
Understand that I am not suggesting that anyone stay in an open M, but if you send her this email....then you need to be prepared for the worst. I don't think you are. I think you believe this will do the trick and she will end the A and R with you. She won't.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
