"In healthy relationships major disagreements get resolved over time."
+ What have been the major disagreements between you and your spouse?
- As above, money... or a job for me. Other might include time spent together (my request, of just my W and me) and time spent as a family, just the four of us. Very often there is more than the four of us tagging along for some reason.
Also, cleanliness, such as a made bed in the morning, I have a lot of lose "junk" in a spare bedroom and in the basement and in the garage. I keep stuff with no place to store it in a way that is out of sight. My W calls me a hoarder. I find my W wasteful, generally with throwing out things she doesn't think is necessary, including leftover food. Or often my "junk".
Timeliness. My W does not like my casualness with time. Sees it as disrespectful.
Truly... There are not a lot of things that I disagree with my W, although I always hoped she would do less traveling for work and spend more time with just the four of us, as a family. I have never complained about that though, as she was making money. I did have a problem with all the social activities she would participate in while traveling for work, though. Social time with work associates. Had I known at the time that my W would strike up an EA with one of her co-workers, I might have had more issues with her time away, though.
I suppose trust and honesty were high on the list, though. Not sure if that would be considered a disagreement, but they were part of the conflict. My W complained that she didn't trust me or did not believe I was being honest, and this often revolved around my work or around money. In hindsight, mentioning that now, I wonder how much I was her mirror on that... Did she feel I was being dishonest or untrustworthy around work and money because she was feeling dishonest and untrustworthy around work and money?
But that's just guessing on how she felt or what she was thinking. Not important to help me become a better man.
And I just about forgot a big one, which is the upbringing of the kids. Discipline and that sort of thing. Treating one kid better than the other. I think the balance is there, and they are treated differently because they are different and they are also treated according to their age.
+ What have been your hopes about the resolution of this disagreement?
- Hopes about the resolution. I guess that's where it begins, about five years ago for me. That's when I "gave up" and stopped hoping for a resolution to some of the disagreements.
Certainly before and now, I still hope that we can sit down and talk about these things. If nothing else, at least put this stuff on the table and be willing and able to talk about them. Acknowledge them. They don't need to be solved or fix immediately. But at least if they are out there, we can work on changing our behaviours or at least reducing the negative behaviours and doing what we can to help support each other's needs.
+ What have you 'heard' about your spouse's opinion on this issue?
- Not entirely sure I understand the question. I don't believe I've heard anything about my spouses opinion on the disagreements. Other than from my spouse, telling me I should get a job, that I should clean up my mess, that I should be more respectful of time and deadlines, that my W does not trust me and believes I am dishonest...
Rarely have I ever had feedback from someone other than my spouse, regarding these disagreements.
+ What do you think is underlying your spouse's opinion on this issue?
- wow... tough question. As far as the money / job thing, I would say that my W's opinion is based on her families corporate commitment, if you will. That people get education and go to work, make an appropriate earning and move up the ranks. As far as possible emotional reasons, I would suspect that the underlying reason might simply be a need for security, which is seen as being in the form of money, or secure investment.
Cleanliness and timeliness, I'm thinking might have respect as the underlying reason. Respect of property, respect of other's commitments...
The trust and honesty? I know that my W has a jealous nature. I know that she was unhappy with any time I spent with female friends, even though it was rarely social (and those times she was certainly invited to join; such as a Halloween party) but actually business. Beyond that, I have no idea what the underlying issue might be on honesty and trust. Although I do know she would ask me to do something and if I had not done it and she asked me again, I would say I did it (so I would not get yelled at) and then use that as a reminder to do it. More and more often, she would check before "reminding me", so she would catch me in a lie. I am not defending it or making light of it. A lie is a lie. By the time I was more comfortable about being caught in a lie regarding things like cleaning the cat litter, I had already "given up" on having my needs met in the R, so I suppose I did not care if I was meeting my W's needs any more.
Regarding the kids, my oldest daughter is from a previous relationship. I know there was a strong co-dependent bond between my W and my daughter, because of the environment. It has been difficult to integrate into their relationship and it will likely always be unique and exclusive. My W is generally very protective of that child, specifically. Not just in relation to me.
+ What do you think your spouse hopes you will understand about him/her on this issue?
- I would suspect that my W would hope I understand that she holds some strong values and that she would hope I would respect her needs and be more mindful of meeting her needs.
+ What are your feelings about the following statement:
"Research tells us that approximately 60 percent of what couples argue about is unresolveable"
- I find that interesting. I would think that everything could be resolved in some way or another. In another life I might have disputed that, but I will accept that information.
+ Does the following surprise you:
"If you eavesdrop on couples' arguments as newlyweds and then again after they've been married for 25 years or more, you might be surprised to find that much of the content is the same. However, the way in which people discuss these heated issues does change over time. We tend to mellow a bit, which makes a huge difference in how our partners react to us and vice versa."
- Actually, that would not surprise me much, at all. I can imagine that a spouse can complain about their spouses cleanliness, or how many of some item a spouse needs, or money... always money... for an entire life time. People have a tendency to stay in their behaviours so the problems are likely to remain in some, subtle way.
+ If you've been in the relationship for a long time (8+ years)...are you mellowing? What about 25+ years...are you mellowing?
- I have never thought about that. I actually don't know if I've mellowed much. I've generally not been hugely reactive. I might almost say that in some ways, I've become more reactive as opposed to mellowing. As much as I feel I gave up, it seems the little things that haven't been resolved are creeping up and becoming big, ugly monsters... Then again, for the most part, I don't much care that people don't put their dishes away, any more. I just put them away...
