Starsky...you know how to handle this very well. I'm going to say what I think but I do think your approach and words are welcome here.
I think first of all you need to really make it clear to her what YOU want. I think you need to establish in a clear calm way that you will NOT be in an open marriage. You need to tell her you will continue to better your half regardless of her choice, but she has a choice to. End the affair or leave the home so the kids don't not have to go through this. None of this through anger.
I know you want her to just throw everything down and run back to you, but at the same time you can't expect that. I think you need to come to terms with this and stand up for what you believe. Stand up for what's right and lead her to know you will NOT tolerate this behavior while in the same home.
Do not label her, do not guilt her, do not play the pity boy card. She did wrong, but you can't stop her from a possibly addictive affair. All you can do is do something different. I think you should definitely pursue some books. Especially the one Starsky recommended. You need to be strong. You can be hurt and mad, but I think you need to treat this sitch with strength and a presence of what you WILL NOT accept an open marriage. A N.U.T.; a boundary. You don't have a shot in hell til the Affair ends, it will have to die naturally and you will have to throw a little fire extinguisher on it. In a way you already have.
After you clearly ask for what you WANT and say WHAT you will accept, you have to back away and let it die. You will still need to focus on bettering you.
DB is good, but there are times that DB does not cover infidelity or addiction the way it should. It does say to know and ASK for what you want though.
What more can I do? If I am patient and just work on me, then she just continues to put in time until she can execute her escape plan, and I continue to get my hopes crushed. If I push her, she will likely just move farther away emotionally.
This is where detachment comes in. You have to understand that you cannot control, fix, or make someone feel differently or the way you do. You can call them every name in the book, you could point out scripture, you could leave a 100 books on the coffee table, etc, but until they choose to ask themselves why...they won't.
This is where DB shines. You can know and ask for what you want. You can look back on your marriage and eventually KNOW why her emotional needs weren't being met. YOU can KNOW what you did wrong and "silently" fix them.
You are upset right now, but I do get the feeling YOU KNOW where you failed. All you can do is better yourself.
In the end...you know your Wife better than any of us. YOU have to become someone she would be a fool to leave.
I called the OM and asked him to back off, and to think long and hard about the 4 lives that were being destroyed.
I also calked her sister to give her a heads up, as to what's happening. I asked her sister to keep it in confidence.
I called her friend that knows our sitch, and gave her a heads up to know that my W may need support today.
I know I am not following the things I am "supposed to do" but I have no idea what else I can do, nothing else has worked so far.
what do you think you HAVE tried? (Not DBing....for sure) Johnie, you have to STOP AND THINK BEFORE
YOU blurt out. Now you have told at least 2 people about OM and this is Not just pressure
this is a shaming technique that ALWAYS BACKFIRES...
makes you look punitive, out of control and vindictive..
also makes her have to defend her choices.
If you were my h, I'd feel pushed into OM's arms even more
I will not give up on my marriage without fighting for it. Then fight intelligently, with thought and insight and CONTROL of yourself.
TRY DBing...(for once)
Even though she has betrayed me, in the most inimaginable way possible, I still love her. I know with time and counseling, I can forgive her.
You do NOT know this nor are you acting like it.
It's important you believe you can forgive her, or your m is doomed
but guess what?
SHE needs to believe you can forgive her and NOT hold this over her head the rest of her life, or your m is doomed
or throw it in her face every time you feel hurt (like NOW)
and every time you fight down the road....then your m is doomed
by you telling others about a private marital issue
you SEEM to be the type who will NOT forgive and if she does Not believe
you can forgive then your m is doomed
see the pattern? STOP AND THINK FIRST
you are just Reacting and that's NOT HELPING YOU
your present approach is NOT DBing and it's NOT WORKING
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 yearsMLC I told others that I hoped might be able to help her to seek councelling. I can forgive her. I need to be very clear with her like what faith said about asking for what I want. 1. That I will not live in an open marriage. 2. I will continue to be a better me regardless of her choice. 3. she has to make a choice to stay or leave. I told her most of that yesterday. Should I clarify my point or, should I now leave it until she has had time to process it?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I want to send her a quick text that simply reads: "I believe in you". "The only thing I ask frome here on in forward is that we be honest with each other"
Should I send it?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I know that I can forgive her... As long as I know that it is over w OM. It's the trusting her which will take time to rebuild. But, I do still love her that's why I continue to put in effort and not simply quit. If I didnt believe in out future, I would not continue to put myself through this hell any longer...
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
J1, I know exactly what you're going through and I am so sorry for your pain.
You can't sleep, eat, work... You're consumed by thoughts of W laughing, playing with, connecting with OP.
I know, I was there 8 months ago... Pacing, mind racing, scheming, thinking of ways to fix this...
But the only thing that will fix this is TIME!!! So TRY to relax even though I know it's almost impossible.
I laid down the same boundary you did/will... That I will not live in an open marriage. That doing so would create a twisted lifestyle that I refuse to be a part of...
I told her if she CHOOSE to continue her R with OM than she would need to leave the bed right away and the home within 30 days. BUT if she CHOOSE to stay we could work on our M...
Eight months later we are together. She decided that her family is worth more than her A. During that time I decided to trust but verify (which means you really don't trust). I installed a key logger on the computer, checked her texts on the phone AND the numbers on line, checked the phone database to see what email she was going to (that's right, she set up a secret email), checked her work to make sure she was there... I never once caught her in a lie. But you can't get caught checking up on her...
I was ready to kick her out if she was continuing a R with OM. And that's where you really need to be IF you choose to set a boundary.
Its not just "set it and forget it"...
It's SET IT...
CHECK SND CONFIRM...
AND ACT ON ANY RESULTS CALMLY BUT FIRMLY...
There is a saying that I used to believe...
"The person that cares the least had the most control..."
I no longer believe that though...
I believe...
"The person that stays rational and calm has the most control."
Do what's right for J1... And start by working through this pain...
It does get easier... Trust us... We have been exactly where you are...
Good luck my friend...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
I have been that person. I have tried to be strong and follow the plan. Yes, I have lost focus and backslid at times, but that's part of a journey. It when I get these bomb drops that I backslide. Like I said b4, I know in time I can forgive her because I have not forgotten about my love for her, but the trusting part is going to be the hardest part to recapture (if she chooses reconcilliation). In a way, I think that it's good that (I think) everything is out in the open. Now I just have to be patient and focus on me and the kids. I hope she takes the time to examine her heart too.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I want to send her a quick text that simply reads: "I believe in you". "The only thing I ask frome here on in forward is that we be honest with each other"
Should I send it?
No.
From here on out, ACTIONS, not WORDS.
Besides, right now -- in her current state -- you DON'T believe she is making the right decisions, do you? Then why sugarcoat it?
