Got a call after the text last nite. She neglected her car and so her engine blew. There were alot of times she didn't take care of stuff in our relationship. She tried to blame me as well.. but I said "I'm sorry.. I just didn't pay attention to Your car so I don't remember when you got your last oil change. I said it in a loving tone and then continued to validate and listen (sticking up for myself is a 180 because she has blamed shifted in the past and I let her). As I was listening, she started to cry.. I asked if she needed anything (she told me she wasn't ok) she said no. I let it go vs.. trying to force her to allow me to be there for her.
Conversation than moved to a birthday party happening tonight. She asked me if I was going, I said yes, she said that she couldn't go because I was going. Again I stuck up for myself and said that it didn't have to be this way, if she wanted to go to the party, we could talk about it. She said she wasn't ready for it and backed down again. I let it go.
Couple hours later she pinged me on FB thanking me for the day and that she would call me. She did and she came over to pick up car files.
We talked for a long time.. not about r but about her not taking care of stuff (she brought it up). I listened and validated. She kept starting to cry and stopping herself. I looked at her and said "it's ok to cry". She told me that she didn't deserve to because she did this to herself. I said it didn't make her feelings any less valid. So she did. I asked if she wanted to come over (we were sitting next to each other on the couch) she said no... but then said yes and just cried in my arms for 10 mins.
When she stopped she said she didn't deserve to be comforted by me. She's done me wrong. Continued to validate and listen. Walked her to her car. Talked about rock climbing which we have coupons for. She was like "If you wanna go, we can go, if you don't, I can take someone else". She didn't say she wanted to take ME.. that upset me. So I said in a loving way. Hey there is no pressure and I won't be upset if you don't want to hang out with me.. but I can't read your mind and I don't want to assume you don't want to hang out with me. If we decide to hang out.. it's because we both decide to. She said she understood, mentioned shame again, and said "yes" because she was pleasantly surprised by our interaction today.
Anyway it keeps going.. but to wrap it up. I learned today that my w has a TON of shame surrounding me. It hurts to be around me actually because of it. The Emotional abuse is such a big part of this separation. It's alot to deal with so she avoids me. Today she was pleasantly surprised by our interaction. I was upbeat, positive, no pressuring her to change, or being anything she couldn't be.
I see this as a good sign. Not necessarily for our m, but a good sign that we are both changing. She wanted to blame me, but owned up to the car, I acted loving (which since dealing with the abuse, I was afraid I couldn't do). I may see her tonight at the party, I may not but either way I will have a nice time. It was good to see her.. it was good to be honest with her. It's hard not to get hope from that for our r, but I can settle for just a good day.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
