I have been lurking and trying to keep up with the happenings around here but haven’t posted in quite awhile. I’m not sure, but I think XH may have opened the browser on my computer a couple weeks ago when he was at my house with his sister having dinner. I’ve been laying low since then wondering if he saw this site or figured out who I am. Just in case, I took down my photo in the alt.
I’d like to extend long overdue thanks to Seeking, Rabbit, and CW for checking in on my on my thread. Your support has always meant the world to me. Helped me to get through some very dark days and nights. KEE, I’m sorry for what you have been going through, but glad that you found this site. There are lots of wonderful people here.
I wasn’t sure what affect X-MIL’s death would have on XH, me, and our R as it is. Jody has told me that I should continue to be compassionate. I think that is very good advice, but I will admit that I became discouraged in mid-April when I read the book “The Intimacy Struggle” by Janet Woititz. Dr. Woititz is the person who did much of the initial work describing “adult children of alcoholics” (ACOAs) and how their childhood in a home with an alcoholic parent affects their adult Rs. In this book there is a section (pg. 20-22) that describes very closely what I think happened in my R with XH. If this is the case with XH, it makes me question whether he will be able to recognize his difficulty with intimacy. I actually had a frank convo with his sister 1 week ago and she stated with certainty that her brother has not dealt with the way that being an ACOA has affected his Rs. This, in turn, makes me question the wisdom of continuing to think XH might change. I spoke with Jody about these doubts in late April. She told me that in her early years working as a therapist she put much more stock in psychological paradigms like the one described above, but having seen so many people change over the years has made her realize that people DO change for the better in spite of childhood traumas and mental health issues. I know that what she says is true. I, myself, changed dramatically in my 20’s after reading John Bradshaw’s book “Bradshaw: On the Family”.
I am going to reproduce the section of this book that I think describes what happened with XH here because it may help someone who reads this. In this section the author is addressing the ACOA.
“Chances are that you (the ACOA) did not experience the bonding in your early years that children in more typical homes did, especially if your mother was the dysfunctional parent. You could not depend on your parents taking care of your needs in a consistent way. You could not depend on being held and loved to solve your fears and calm your hurts. You could not trust that your mother would nurture you when you felt badly, whether you were right or wrong.
This affects the way you become involved in intimate Rs and the intensity of that involvement today………..
…………If adults who are products of homes where bonding never took place invest at all, they invest at once, heavily and on a deep emotional level. They seize the opportunity for bonding and are deeply involved before they know what is happening.
In the early stages of a R, there is great intensity of feelings. The body chemistry that attracts you to each other is activated and both parties are super-attentive and super-involved. You (the ACOA) understand this degree of intensity because it feels to you like the energy you experience in a crisis.
This is a time when both parties greatly desire fusion. You are on each other’s minds all the time ---- the desire to be together is great. Emotionally, it is a very powerful time.
These early stages are probably more an “involvement” than a R. It is the playing out of a fantasy. You cannot sustain the intensity which is so appealing. This is just a dynamite beginning, not what a healthy R is all about.
Initially this is flattering to the new partner and the closeness feels good. ……………..But after a while ………. Your partner, if healthy, will stop wanting to be devoted completely and exclusively to the R. Life holds other priorities as well. As a result, the aura of the ideal love evaporates and things begin to be put into perspective.
When life begins to normalize, the intensity decreases ……………. You (the ACOA) feel let down and rejected. You feel that your partner no longer cares because he no longer desires to spend every moment with you. From your point of view, this feels like abandonment (XH actually told me that he dropped the bomb because he felt abandoned). It’s the drunk vs. sober parent scenario once again. You feel the gaping hole inside you even more deeply than before.
Clutching at your partner will force him into the “I love you, go away” stance, even though your beloved still cares. If you continue to play out your script, you will set yourself up for what you fear the most: rejection and abandonment. Then you will feel very confused because all you wanted was a loving R, and you will think once again you picked the wrong person. The truth may be that you were asking unrealistic things of your R. It is important that you be very clear about what you want your R to fulfill within you so that you avoid this situation.
On the other hand, you may react by deciding you no longer care and leave the budding R. If this is your choice, it may mean you are “hooked” on intensity and have fooled yourself into equating intensity with the R itself. Or it may mean that you are terrified about beginning the process of getting to know and being known by another person. It’s probably a little of both.”
I have been cycling and doing a lot of soul searching since reading this because I really think this is what happened with us. In retrospect I see that this really has been XH’s pattern for the last 15 or so years. Ours was the 2nd longest R he’s ever had. I know what Jody said is true and a recent post by 25yearsmlc reinforced Jody’s words by reminding me that ACOAs CAN and DO at times work on developing healthy Rs even if they come from a legacy of addiction.
I’ll try to post an update of what’s been happening sometime soon.
