New - HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed

[25yearsmlc]

Me thinks you are getting this!!!...


You don't need my approval

but hey, if it makes you happy, YOU HAVE IT!!


You have grown already. You have changed already. SEE THIS!!!

IT'S CALLED "PROGRESS"!!!!

I will have to ponder your response to his "concern" for the biking. He probably IS concerned...and guilt ridden...but so what? Do we care? Hmmm...(rhetorical)

Get the money into a new account, if he still has access to it.

If he asks about it, TELL HIM you put it into an interest bearing account or something...or bought a car which you frickin need AND PLUS, AS HE SO WISELY (PARENTALLY) REMINDED YOU

THE BIKE IS NOT SO SAFE...

and you are a grown woman, not a kid biking to his baseball game.

If the bike works for you, great & so be it. I mean, you do save money and you get exercise

but if you are like most of us, a car is needed for everyday life.

I wish I could bike to more places in my every day life, but it's not very practical.

If I put some thought into it, about 15% of the places I go could use a bike.

And that's it.

But I live in the suburbs of a large city. Don't know your sitch.

Anyhow, does your job offer ANY benefits? When you get a job that does, you know to get some insurance and you'll see a c or T? Good.

Can you hang with your sister? Meeting new peeps?

You can definitely choose an activity that involves meeting new people. That will do more for you than you know. Please do that ONE Thing if nothing else...meet new people. (Not in bars, but in good healthy places like class or work or a hobby centered activity.)

Also, remember that you are not alone in this situation.

I'm SO not making light of your pain but keep in mind how often this happens every day. Most of us have had our hearts broken.

Mine was first broken when I was 16 y/o and believe it or not, I still recall the nightmare that was for me. He was my first love and it was deep for that age. In fact, h was my next serious love although I dated a lot. Back when I was 15 and bf cheated on me, I had MONTHS of feeling so bad it was horrible. And I was popular and had a ton of friends and activities and other boys to date. But it hit me HARD...

So when h and I had our crisis, I actually had a little bit of relevant experience to go back to, as long ago as it was. I "knew" I had felt bad before, and I knew that there's no such thing as "one" soul mate.

This matters, b/c you have NOT had that chance/experience since you met bf so early.

So you are "behind" in the sense that you literally have no experience in getting through this.

Intellectually you are ahead of a typical 16 y/o and you "know" that there are other men in the world and you WILL date again, IF YOU WANT TO...

but emotionally, you are Not familiar with this process. I get that. That's one reason why we are here helping you.

We know you can get through this and you will when you figure out HOW TO.

Today I saw an article on yahoo about "ways to get over your ex". One thing that came to mind was how many people are in your shoes right now.
I recall thinking when h and I were in our crisis and I felt SO BAD

that "so many people are walking around WOUNDED, how do they all get through it?" But they do...and we do...and you will too.

Today I was reminded of how, (for lack of a better word)

"Luxurious" it is, for us to have this as the worst problem in our life.

A man broke up with you. He's with OW now...okay...

So, are you physically healthy?

Do you have shelter over your head?

Is there food in your yard/ refrigerator? (do you have a refrigerator? With electricity? and FOOD in it?)

Do you have a job at all?
Are you literate?

If the answers to these questions are ALL "YES", you are luckier than most women in the world.

Is there anyone stopping you from worshipping the way you want?

Is there anyone trying to rape or kill you? Anyone trying to rob you?

Anyone using a machete to kill your neighbors and looking for you, b/c you are not in the "right" tribe?

If the answers to all these questions is "no", you are lucky indeed.

More than 90% of women in this world, cannot say "no" to these questions.

And if you add in the fact that you are intelligent and getting educated and

you can work or live where you want, and worship if and how you want,

in the grand scheme of things, you and I are SO VERY LUCKY to be in our lives.


I realized this one night when I was hospitalized, pregnant with first d.

I was feeling physically miserable, (hence being in the hospital) and felt sorry for myself, to put it bluntly.

I Felt fat, ( I WAS FAT, well, pregnantm but still,) and the combination of hormones and sickness and worry and my job, and how I felt I looked, and our son at home not getting enough attention, or so I felt, were all taking a toll.

Right at the nadir of my time there, I Looked out at a full moon, and really "saw" it. Then I realized a LOT of women in the world at that moment, were also pregnant and

they could see that very moon at the same time.

For some reason the image of a pregnant woman in the jungle came to me, and I realized how so few of the women out there, were in a western hospital, giving birth with a medical doctor delivering the baby,

with the father of the child alive and well and

Not missing, wounded or dead...or being hunted...

and that we had a home, with food in our electric refrigerator
and we'd have food in it the next day and the next...

and we had our freedom and our future.

As basic as this is, as simple as it all is, it is, globally speaking,
a rare thing.

That is still the truth of the matter.

It's wrong to deny other's suffering b/c when I really got down to it

I was a bit out of line to feel sorry for myself,

in the grand scheme of things.

I don't want to minimize your pain. But I do want to give you some perspective.

Hope it helps.

You are braver than you know and stronger than you think.

And you are getting stronger, and you are learning a lot as time passes.

May not make it all "worth it" but hey, it does get better.

You are getting better.

[tank]

I have to tell you "GREAT JOB" on both the face to face and the phone conversation. You did amazing.

I have to agree with 25 yrs, you need to get that money out of the joint account and into your own account. This needs to be done quickly. The longer you take doing this the more chance OW will find out and convince hime that she needs that money. You also need to take it out in one sweep, if you take it out over a period of withdrawals, he just might regret it or try to control you with it. You put in your time, you are dealing with the outcome of his MLC, take the money.

I am in an agreeing mood tonight, i also have to agree with MrBond. If your EP really cared about you, he would want to know regardless of who was around him. I honestly think he is having second thoughts about all this and he is trying to keep you on the hook incase OW and him fail.

You deserve better than that. Go for that bike ride to work and home, then post on here and let us all know how you feel. That exercise should help you get in shape and it will give you lots of time to think about the great things you are going to do in your new apartment.

That was 2 encounters with EP that you handled beautifully. Keep up the great work. I am glad to see you progressing.

[25yearsmlc]

ta dahh!!

[AloneAt35]

Thanks MrBond, 25years, and Tank. I survived my bike ride and am NOT emailing Ex-P about it as per your consensus.

Let me say, today was a difficult day, which really made me miss Ex-P all the more. But this bike situation is just for a few weeks and by fall I will not only be working within walking distance of the apartment, but also very likely getting a car for excursions, etc.

I can't think that every day will be as tough as today was or I would give up. The important thing is that Ex-P's solitary complaint after leaving me was that I was not independent enough and now he can NEVER say that I didn't rise to the challenge. He never had to ride his bike like this because his parents bought him his first three cars!

Wow, am I sore in every way.

[a girl]

I know it sucked, but how empowered you must feel to have done it! Also, a few weeks of that and you'll have legs to rival a supermodel.

[dbmod]

How have things gone this weekend so far?

[AloneAt35]

Hi dbmod, 25years, and everyone.

I have to warn you all; this is going to be a long post. Its mostly journaling about my frustrations and hurts, but if anyone can see anything else I should be doing, please let me know.

The last time I checked in, I had just seen Ex-P in person for the first time in a month and a half. A few hours after saying goodbye, he surprised me with a phone call. Everyone thought I handled both interactions well.

We've had a few more interactions since then, but nothing major. Over the weekend I was forced to forward Ex-P an email from our realtor...she had an urgent question. He replied with three messages back to me, but nothing I needed to respond to, so I didn't. (I've been trying to go dim for my own sake.)

This evening he called again twice. I let the answering machine take his first call because I had JUST walked in the door from my killer bike ride back from work. When he called back again, I figured I ought to pick it up since he had been attempting contact me for a few days.

I wish I hadn't answered it because it was just more of the same. He had some mail and old computer discs for me and he wanted to know if he could come by and drop them off in person as well as get some more of his stuff tomorrow because OW is going out of town meaning that he has free time. I am working such long and exhausting hours during this few weeks of summer school that I said I'd rather he just put whatever he has for me in the mail. I was very evasive about him getting more of *his* stuff because I honestly don't know what else he intends to take and I'd prefer to be here when he comes. I didn't come out and ask him NOT to come, but I think he got the message.

I guess he felt guilty or like I needed to be bribed, so he offered to bring me some groceries or run errands with me if he could come by tomorrow. (He knows that money for groceries is tight and access to a car for errands is non-existent.) I declined both offers because, again, I am working such long hours and I am not at my best after I finish my bike trek so I couldn't really put my best face forward and DB. Plus, I told him that I didn't need anything. Then he offered to bring me some stuff from a special Asian market that we used to visit together, but again, I didn't feel like a visitor and I felt I was being bribed - and on short notice just because its *convenient* for him to clean out more of his junk with OW out of town...and needless to say, he had weeks to get ALL of his stuff without any interference from me prior to this.

Also, I am a tad resentful of these offers of help given my current mood.

About my current state of mind: I know that one of the CARDINAL rules of DBing is to NEVER GIVE UP HOPE. Hope is all that has kept me going for the past four months since he dropped the IDLYAM bomb (and later, the OW bomb). Yet today, I stood at work, in a classroom of kids, and I just felt the last bit of hope drain out of me. On a break, I sobbed in a co-worker's car.

What I am about to say is very personal, but you all have heard it before. As you know, Ex-P started avoiding intimacy with me about ten years ago. I guess we eventually became part of that 20% of couples living in a "sexless" partnership, which Michele defines as having sex less than 10 times per year. We had such a great and genuinely affectionate and (I thought) loving friendship that our infrequent intimacy was an issue we both put aside (Ex-P NEVER could discuss these things). But ironically, though Ex-P was the "low desire" partner and I was the "higher desire partner", Ex-P moved on to OW.

In the last four months I have tried to hold onto hope that Ex-P's desire for me would be awakened, that it was only a MLC compelling him to find solutions to his intimacy issues outside of our relationship. But every time I see him or speak to him, I am reminded that he thinks OW is the bees knees - that over the last ten years I was demoted to the status of a 'good friend' in his mind (without even knowing it), and that it is most likely HOPELESS for me to think that I can somehow intervene in this decision he has made to take his life in another direction at the speed of light.

In the last few weeks Ex-P has been initiating contact much more often, and has been showing genuine concern for me...even once admitting that he "cares a lot" and "thinks about me" beyond just worry for my well-being. If I chose to see things through rose-colored glasses I could even see today's discussion and grocery-bribe as a veiled attempt to see me in person...something that he avoided at all costs just a month or two ago after he literally went AWOL.

Yet, as 25years often says, "No man returns home to good sex he NEVER had." Apparently, Ex-P never thought I was worth much in that department. Ex-P never told me he hated me, we never had any disagreements (that is why him ending our relationship was such a PAINFUL shock); he simply stopped "loving me in that way." Therefor, I am acutely aware that every kindness he shows me is coupled with a reminder that OW is still the priority in his life. That we are friends - nothing more - because in his mind, its all we ever were.

Its hard for me to understand. I'm a cute lady, active, perky, a good 15 years younger than most of the 'company wives' we associated with, and though I'm by NO means beautiful, I have a kind heart, a warm and loyal spirit, and soft and youthful features.

How do I DB at this juncture? Was it wrong of me to discourage him coming by here on short notice? He seemed a bit put-off and his mood switched to businesslike after I steered him away.

The final few minutes of our conversation switched to my inlaws. (Well, I guess I should say my ex-inlaws.) I am very, very fond of my MIL, and though I did not have the opportunity to become close with my FIL due to his emotional distance from his children in general, I was saddened to hear that he is facing surgery. Ex-P said that since his trip to visit OW's family was canceled, he was considering visiting his parents instead. I expressed my concern for a speedy recovery and said that I am certain a visit would mean a great deal to them at this time. He implied he may no longer be welcome there and I simply brushed his concern aside without asking him to elaborate.

So, that is all folks.

Your wisdom is so greatly appreciated.

[MrBond]

Don't worry about it. You did fine. You are starting to feel the shift within you that happens when you are no longer concerned about what your partner wants, but what you want. It's called detaching.

Think of him not as your partner, but as a spoiled child looking for attention. He gets your attention when he has asked for it, yet the first time you rebuff him, he gets all snooty and bratty. Ignore that. If you don't want him around right now, there's nothing wrong with that.

In fact, I would gather his belongings and put them on the doorstep and tell him to pick them up. Don't be home when he comes by to get them. If you can see inside the home, pick up some fresh flowers to show there's life in the home and he isn't an important part of it anymore.

This isn't being mean or playing games, it's called retaking your life. Or rather...YOUR life.

When you do see him, make sure you look your best and don't hang on his every word. Think about the end of the movie "Grease" where Sandy starts developing and attitude, looks great and confident. All the guys start noticing her. That's how it is in this case.

[tank]

Alone, listen to MrBond, he is right on the money.

You had control of that interaction, control over your wants and your needs at that moment.

Im glad your making it through the bike ride. After a few days it will be second nature to you, and wait till you get to show off those great legs!

When do you move into the apartment? have you thought about this a start to YOUR NEW LIFE?

[AloneAt35]

Thanks Tank and MrBond,

Its good to know that it was okay for me to stand my ground on not having Ex-P pick up more things earlier this week. I needed the night to myself even though it was lonely.

Yesterday he sent me two emails...totally inane things. Today I briefly responded to one of them letting him know I appreciated the information. I also told him that I would keep his dad in my thoughts during his surgery this weekend, which Ex-P will be traveling to attend, and I wished him safe travels.

A few minutes later the phone rang. It was Ex-P saying he got my email. He started the conversation by telling me he had checked the weather report and he was worried I would be riding my bike in the rain tomorrow. He said he felt guilty about it and asked if I would like him to come by in the morning and give me a ride to work. Ex-P now lives about 45 minutes away from me so that was a fairly shocking offer since I'm not exactly in the neighborhood. I said, "No thanks, don't be silly! Its too far and I won't melt!" He said dropping by would be on his way to his parents' house (which is six hours further away), so that is the reason he offered.

We then started small-talking, which was fine, but the conversation soon went south.

Ex-P casually told me that his mother was packing some of my personal items that I always left at her house for him to bring back to me (we visited a couple of times a year so I had a drawer full of things like PJs, a bathing suit, toiletries, etc.). Hearing this was like a knife in the gut...it reminded me that these people whom I love are no longer my 'family' after 20 years.

He then talked about some items he was still wanting to get from our house. One item was something he formerly said I could keep. I reminded him of that and he concurred and said, "Well, OW is bringing one when she moves in anyway." [Another knife in the gut.]

He then mentioned some fix-ups he is doing on his new house with OW's child in mind [More knives in the gut.] (Yes, this is the same child that he's met exactly once, which OW denied was even her chid...I will never get over that one.)

So basically, what started out as hopeful conversation (the fact that he's basically been in contact with me every day for a week, the fact that in that week he's twice suggested scenarios in which he can have the opportunity to see me, the fact that he checks the weather with me in mind...) basically just turned into one long reminder from him that he is with OW now, and I am OUT of the family and OUT of his life.

I certainly appreciate that there has been a recent 'thaw' in our friendship, but how can the same man that offers to drive 45 minutes early in the morning before he has to drive six hours to sit in a hospital just so I don't get rained on TURN AROUND and immediately talk about how excited he is that OW is coming to live with him? (Just so you know, I no longer respond to any mentions of OW. I simply go silent.)

Is he just being nice because he is suffering from extreme guilt? Is he trying to manipulate me somehow? Does he really think that OW would appreciate his offers of assistance to me? Am I reading too much into this and is his behavior normal?...In other words, can exes really be "friends" like this? But MOST importantly, is it productive to DBing?

I have been in LRT (with only a few missteps) for three months now: never instigating contact, not replying to every message, almost always remaining upbeat, NEVER any relationship talk, demonstrating almost total independence (a huge hurdle for me), looking extra-good when we see each other, showing that I am moving on and WILL BE OKAY without him, diffusing tensions with reflective listening...you get the idea.

Yet, even though Ex-P is being extremely 'nice' to me, things with OW are as "on" as ever. I'd pull back more but I am not sure that I can/should. I am 'dim'...do I go dark? Do I let this 'friendship' between Ex-P and I go on as long as it lasts even though my life is still being torn apart by this man? Is this good DBing or am I being a sucker? Am I just confirming in his mind that all we ever were 'was friends' anyway, as he insultingly suggested when he decided to go be with OW?

Yikes, so many questions. I don't expect answers, but if anyone has any, I'd be so appreciative.