OK, since I'm at this point right now, I'm gonna put something out there... I feel it's ugly and messy and it's probably going to come out all over the map, but it's pertinent and in keeping with the current "Love Illusion #2" piece...
And while I can sit here and say that Infidelity is a deal breaker for me, and I believed it was, although I've learned it may not be, this one's a deeper seeded deal breaker for me and it may or may not be the final coffin in the nail, for me...
I hate to say it because I hold myself in HUGE judgment over it and I feel that others will do the same.
I do not really understand right now where this stems from, but I have FOREVER felt that I WOULD NEVER marry someone who was money focused... who married for money...
And from the moment that I met my W, she even called herself a princess and behaved in ways that suggested she was money focused, and her family was money focused, and many people (friends) told me she was money hungry...
I have always presented (money) successful. Not because I was pretending to be rich, but because I enjoy the good things in life, when I can. Being brought up the way I was, the way my frugal grandparents were, the lifestyle that the family business was able to provide, in "good years", when I was earning good money... I liked living the good life, because one never knew if or when the good life might end...
I have and always wear my (modest) gold. I drove an expensive convertible for a while, my parents live in an expensive home on water front (the result of selling the family business; all that is of their earnings, their "retirement funds" as it were)...
I grew up and went through school as though I was some spoiled brat. I had a new vehicle when I turned 16, the result of earnings from the family business. The ONLY way I was ever paid for the work that I did at the business, from the time that I was eight years old until the business was sold in '97... I had a couple "toys" as a result of the business as well, but otherwise, never had a red cent in my bank account... the life of the business... feast and famine...
Anyhow, I had avowed that I would NEVER marry someone who would marry for money, rather than love... and as I fell in love, and overlooked the money focus of my wife, and accepted that she would be the primary wage earner as I stayed at the home, did my little side jobs for extra cash, and raised the kids... love... that was what it was all about... and TOGETHER, we would make differences in our lives, begin to earn more money, and share that financial freedom within our family unit, using it for the four of us to enjoy some of the finer things in life, as we could...
and as time went on, and my W continued to berate me for bringing in more money, and my grandparents passed on and there was "little" inheritance, etc, etc... it's become more and more apparent that my W was more concerned with her bank account, than with the happiness of the family unit... togetherness, connectedness, family love...
And when my W said to me, that third MC session, on the way in to the session, that "Love... is not enough..." well....
That just hurt...
So of all the emotion i go through, feeling abandoned by my W, rejected by my W, failing my kids, and everything else... I sit here now, having dealt with a lot of my emotion and I think to myself...
Do I REALLY want to reconcile with this woman who appears to not hold Love to the place I believe it should sit in a family?
Be with a woman who appears to me to be hypocritical, as she places placards and paintings with the word LOVE on them, around the family home... the "Live, Love, Laugh" sayings that are oh so common... because... well, because other people might visit the home and what should we be presenting to them...
And I get... there is some primary need for a man to be the bread winner, for a woman to be financially provided for... and I think... am I truly such an A-whole who would with hold that from his W, just to prove a point...? When maybe... just maybe... if I really applied myself and worked at it, I could provide a significant six figure income to the family home...
And here I sit, as though I am somehow above all that, willing to walk away from the M. Accept a D. Leave with the pittance I came into the M with, my clothes... the little dignity I have left... and hopefully maintain an acceptable relationship with my daughters... because I want to prove a point... that money is not the root of happiness... that it is LOVE that is most important, above all else...
But... I don't have to be right... but I am too proud to go out there, right now, and get a job... make a living, start becoming the bread winner in this new life before me... because I do not want my W to suddenly see me making money and then coming to me saying she is willing to work it out... because I DO NOT want to be right... that it is all about the money... I DO NOT want her back, if a job will make the difference for her to change her mind...
so I wait... I wait for the D... and hope, beyond hope that the woman I married, the woman with a huge heart, who bore the my children, who appears to care so much for the needy... that she will see her way clear, that love is just as important to her, as it is to me...
