OK, I think I can re-state a couple things from LOVE ILLUSION #2:
I indicated the following:
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
...my W has long wanted me to "get a real job" (with conditions). I like my self employed because of the benefits.
The "with conditions" are things like:
+ should work "normal hours" (ie. traditional, like 9-5) + should work no weekends + should be paid a "reasonable" wage
++ forgive me for saying this, but my wife would likely indicate I should be paid no less that $25 per hour to do the work that I have the most experience for. In reality, the technology industry which is my primary skill set, generally pays starting wages of approximately $10 to $12 per hour. When the cost of fuel is put into the equation and the cost to commute (we live "in the sticks") so it's no less than two hours on the road, every day, it's not "worth" the effort. (her words, when I had jobs like that)
+ I should get reasonable benefits + I should get reasonable vacation time
These are not necessarily things that I'm pulling out of a hat or using to be sarcastic. These truly have been some of the things that have come up with my W when we have conversations about me getting a job.
I will be practicing being "employable" because at this point in my life, it is something that I am inclined to follow. I am done with "high risk" for now. Truth is, I have not been successful in "job" searches in the past, if the above conditions are to be a measurement of "success". My W OTOH, has gone to college, obtained a decent job from day one, and has climbed the career ladder quite successfully.
I feel she is using herself as the benchmark and 20 years into a career, it is hard to suddenly live up to her "success".
My W often will indicate that she has lived under the shadow of "should have been an A." For those who have never heard this, it comes from her parents seeing her report card, knowing how much she "sloughed off", and telling her she should have got an "A", if she would have just applied herself. I find myself living under the shadow of "should have been an A.".
Maybe I can find a way to make it an "A"... eventually and with practice...
The above are "excuses" or "reasons". In reality, I will start where I start and I will get to where I get. Eventually, I may have the above. Certainly it could happen.
That being the case, and while I resisted a "real job" for a long time because I did not feel that it was necessary in our household, that resistance was certainly a major nail in the coffin. That's unfortunate. By my measure of success, we were doing OK, things were getting better. Live and learn. Life is a harsh teacher, when necessary.
On the following, I think I understand the statement better, now:
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
"Research shows that people who stay together and are happily married are no more similar than those who divorce?"
People who stay together and are happily married are not similar.
In the same way that people who are divorced are not similar.
OK, in that regard, I can see that being true.
Since people who are happily married are equally dissimilar, then it is NOT the differences that cause divorce. Rather, it is people who choose to use their difference as reasons to get divorces, who move in that direction.
