"You're more likely to divorce if there are differences in your backgrounds, likes and dislikes and interests."
+ How often have you heard this?
- This is actually the first time I've heard this. Although I read DB and DR so I'm guessing I should have read this before.
Perhaps I've heard it in different ways.
Personally, I do not believe that our differences should be the reason for a D. Our differences can become annoying perhaps, but they should also be cherished with bringing vitality into the union.
My W has suggested that because we were brought up differently (our parents had different beliefs and methods for raising us), somehow those differences are a primary source for our incompatibility that we simply ignored when we initially got married.
+ What are the differences between you and your H?
My W is career oriented, I am self employed oriented.
I like camping, my W likes "hotel'ing" (a running joke that she started, indicating that any camping trip must include a room or at least RV, and absolutely should have a shower).
I like seafood, my W does not.
I like Apple Crisp, my W likes Apple Betty.
My W likes the East Coast, I do not.
My W likes cool environment, I like warm environment.
Many more differences... IMO, minor. Except for work. I will not elaborate here as this may come up later. Otherwise I will elaborate on this, later.
+ How has your bias with the differences affected your marriage?
- OK. As I stated above, as far as I know, none of our differences has been the cause of any major conflict between myself and my W, except work.
There are MAJOR conflict in that regard, as my W has long wanted me to "get a real job" (with conditions). I like my self employed because of the benefits.
My bias is, a "real job" removes me from being available to my family. A real job has limits to potential earnings (ie. you get paid for the hours you work, generally). A real job means evening and weekend work may be required. A real job is often menial (ie. Difficult to find satisfaction.)
I admit that those things can be over come. It is just that I have not yet found a job that fulfills those things I would like, or if they do, I have not been invited to interview for it.
+ How has your spouses' bias with the differences affected your marriage?
Unless I am completely wrong, most of our differences are not a major issue with my W. Although there are certain differences that my W finds stressful (such as my casualness about time) or activities that might be high risk (like climbing towers; a prior job duty).
Again, the major difference, the job, appears to be the most important issue for my W.
My W will indicate that the things I believe are great from a self employed perspective, I am not showing for the family. Such as, I do not make a lot of money, I work evenings and weekends. Those I believe are the only two. No security might be a third (ie. insurance, holiday pay, etc).
I feel that I am available when I am asked to be available for events and outings. I am also available for the kids when my W is at work. But when my W comes home, yes. I do got out to work because my familial obligations are handed off to my W and I can go earn some money.
I certainly understand how my W may feel that I do not want to be around her. That was so not the truth. But when she came home and complained that bills needed to be paid, then money became my primary focus, at the expense of time with family.
+ What are your feelings about the following statement:
"Research shows that people who stay together and are happily married are no more similar than those who divorce?"
- I find that a difficult statement to read.
I read that to mean that people who get divorced are no more or less happy than people who stay together.
Perhaps my interpretation is incorrect, but if it is, I have heard that statement in many different ways.
IOW, people who stay married still have conflict.
The difference between people who stay married and those who get divorced, is the people who stay married are still married.
The difference is, the people who stay married choose not to use conflict or differences as a reason for divorce because somehow the conflict or differences are unresolvable or insurmountable.
People who remain married either work through conflict or differences or they overlook them in a healthy way.
