"Conflict and anger are signs that your relationship is failing"
+ What are your thoughts/feelings about this?
- I see conflict and anger as an indicator that there is something in the R that needs to be addressed. It may not mean something needs to be "fixed, though.
+ What has your partner expressed to you?
- It's my belief that my W sees conflict and anger as an indicator of incompatibility. I come to this conclusion due to the last and most recent comment around this by my W who suggested, "We are just too different. We have different morals and ethics."
+ What is conflict like for you--intense and stressful? What are the signs in your body? Do you cry or do you get sick or are your muscles tight?
- Initially, I avoid. I may deny a problem or I may laugh it off. Eventually, I will choose to withdraw both emotionally and physically. IN the conflict, I am generally tense (tight muscles) and often anger creeps up. Rarely explosively (ie. yelling).
+ What is it like for your partner?
- I believe it is about the same for my W. I rarely experience my W in conflict with me. When there finally is conflict, it is usually with my W "yelling" at me. ie. "Hurry UP! We were supposed to be there X min ago" or something like that. That as an example, she will give verbal cues, and then get distracted by something and so it's difficult to see the anxiety come up until it explodes.
+What are your beliefs about conflict's impact on your marriage?
- Is conflict a major reason for the break down of my M? I suppose. In many ways it could be THE primary impact on any R. Or more so, the lack of conflict resolution tools and skills.
In other words, the more conflict is left unresolved, the more opportunity to use the unresolved conflict as "reasons" the couple is incompatible and the M should be terminated.
+ What are your beliefs about how conflict should be resolved?
- How should conflict be resolved? I supposed the best answer I believe would be immediately and directly. Although, that may not always be possible. I won't be ridiculous about this, but if it is unsafe to resolve conflict at the moment, conflict should be resolved as soon as possible.
+ How do YOUR beliefs differ from your partner's beliefs?
- I do not know what my W believes regarding this, although I do know that my W stews on things for a long, long time. And even if I believe that a conflict has been resolved, it does seem to pop up again in the future. If my W does attempt to resolve conflict immediately or as soon as possible, it is very possible that I am not recognizing the "signs" to understand she is wanting to discuss conflict.
I would explain it this way, by her words: "If you had only paid attention, you would know I was unhappy."
+ How are each of your beliefs getting in the way of OR helping your marriage (if this is a strength of yours)?
- I will only speak on my beliefs. And while I think my beliefs are sound regarding conflict resolution, I find it much easier to say than to do. I do need to become better at recognizing conflict and then addressing it in a timely and appropriate manner.
