Another day...

[aeolianchaos]

She said because my hair is long and hasn't changed since we first met. To which I told her I was already looking into getting it cut. (planning on doing that this week actually) and that I have put on weight (roughly about 20lbs) she said that makes her feel bad because she has put on a lot of weight herself. I just mostly listened to what she had to say and usually I would fly off the handle at things like that but this time when she would start getting loud I would just say calm it down

Well - you put on a little weight. Oh well. You can lose it. I'd bet you've lost some recently, right?

One thing - I found that saying 'calm down' to my W was a recipe for disaster in many cases. I think it might invalidate in a way that we probably don't intend to. it also might make for a 'one upsmanship' thing. I don't know how to deal with this too well, but i think its worth considering.

After she left though I was so mad! Even just sitting on the couch I could feel my face burning. Makes me mad for not flying off the handle at her when she started mentioning someone else and then trying to backtrack to cover her story. Then to tell me she's not attracted to me for something that has happened to the both us!

You are mad for not flipping out on her? I think you should be proud of yourself for being able to be angry w/o expressing it by escalating things. What she is saying is hurtful and kind of silly, of course, but I think you are on a better track by doing what you did.

If I can reframe it for you a little - your W is not really acting from a solid and secure place. Maybe she acts as if, but she is probably operating from a very mixed up place. She gets upset and she is looking for a rationalization that makes sense. The less you react or resist it, the less power her rationalizations have and the more you start to realize that they are just words and thoughts she is trying to find to resolve something that exists inside of HER.

Flying off the handle would have been at best, a short term gain with long term consequences. By making it safe for her to express herself (even if you think it sounds crazy) you are, in many ways, fulfilling a need she probably has. This could be a good thing!

Getting an attorney is probably appropriate at this point, to protect your interests. You can take your time on all this stuff and that is your right. You have a lot to process and deal with - can you see yourself going through this experience with confidence and staying respectful of both your needs and hers?

You probably have a fair window of time before you have to respond to any paperwork she files. Unless there is a good reason, don't feel like you need to do anything on her schedule.