Have a date calendar that's full this weekend. Different people on different days. Enjoying myself, keeping it light, keeping busy. I'm in demand! Yay me.
Where my H is concerned I'm mostly numb.
I don't want to remember our shared past and I do want to pretend it never existed. All of it seems like it happened to someone else and was based upon a lie: the fiction the man actually loved me. He didn't and he doesn't. It's getting to the point if we passed on a street downtown, he'd duck his head and not acknowledge me.
People ask me if I knew then what I know now, would I have even dated him. I answer, " No, I would have run like hell in the opposite direction." I don't hate him, but looing back I wish I had never met him. The good times do not outweigh the hell I've been through, at least not yet. But I didn't, instead I dated and married him. How young and stupid was I, and now my kids pay the price for my stupidity and youth. That really bites.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
People ask me if I knew then what I know now, would I have even dated him. I answer, " No, I would have run like hell in the opposite direction." I don't hate him, but looing back I wish I had never met him. The good times do not outweigh the hell I've been through, at least not yet. But I didn't, instead I dated and married him. How young and stupid was I, and now my kids pay the price for my stupidity and youth. That really bites.
Scylla,
I rarely post to you, we just do not understand/see things the same way at all and it's really just an exercise in frustration for both of us.
Today I'm making an exception.
That ^^^ is sad. What's worse is that you have no idea that you are choosing that mindset. YOU let him take your happy memories. YOU are chosing to believe he never loved you. YOU are rewriting history as much as he is.
Your children deserve more than that. They deserve a healthy parent that can see the truth for what it is. They deserve to feel like they were brought into this world by two people who loved each other at the time ... even if that love didn't last. You could choose to be that parent Scylla. And no, I do not assume you are saying these things in their presense but don't for a minute think they can't sense that vibe off of you daily.
Your kids pay the price? You wouldn't have those kids if you hadn't met, dated and married your husband.
I hope you get it someday, good luck to you.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Your kids pay the price? You wouldn't have those kids if you hadn't met, dated and married your husband.
Yes, and that's why wishes are mere wishes. I get that I would never have the children I do to care for, had I not done what I did, and my life would be different. Different man, different children, different challenges, or perhaps no man or no children at all.
I don't believe H. ever loved me. Why? Because hindsight gives us a perspective that we didn't have while living it as the present.
H. didn't love me unconditionally...his love was conditional. It was an exchange. When I stopped meeting those conditions and expectations which he never really expressed, he stopped and walked away. That's not love, that's commerce and it certainly explains his behaviour now.
I can live with and even accept the knowledge I was used, that's on me for allowing it.
I can't live with being unworthy of being loved for just who I am.
I haven't let him take my happy memories, I just see them differently now and prefer NOT to remember, as it causes me pain. So are they "happy" memories? Not really.
Maybe I will get it, maybe I won't. I'm doing what I must the best way I know how. I can't do more.
I thank you for your thoughts and well wishes.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
It's not a view that's discussed around here very often - but I do think it's fair to sometimes admit that our marriages and our partners turn out not to be the institution or person we thought they were.
That's because of our self-interested view of the world. We see the world as we want to see it ... until one of the characters in our story chose to start playing a different role - then we have no option but to really consider if they ever were what we thought they were. I think we often just make it up.
I blindly adored my xh. He is a good, kind, man - but he's as flawed as the next fella. I didn't see his flaws I just adored him. Becoming divorced from my h was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me.
OK ... so maybe your H isn't the man you thought he was. Maybe he is not emotionally mature enough to understand that a committed relationship should be more than a contractual arrangement. Maybe he's just as f-up as the next man ...
in the end it doesnt' matter ... that you are finding more clarity is really the cool thing here.
Thanks for your response Virgina (Walking). No my H. is not the person I thought he was at all, he is too a good and kind man, whom I loved and still love unreservedly.
I mourn the person I believed him to be, and what I believed our marriage was based upon.
I wish my H. well. I now sincerely doubt he will ever do the introspection, analysis and self healing required to become a whole, healed and emotionally healthy.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
After events last night I have come to understand that when my WAH said he was "done" a little shy of two years ago, he meant it and that has not changed, I no longer believe it can. Too much time has passed.
There is no acceptance for who I am as a person, no love for me. I had sincerely believed and hoped there was some small crumb of regard,affection, or fondness in his heart remaining for me, for what we shared. I was wrong to believe or hope for that. All I am to my WAH is a mother to our children. That is the extent and limit of my positive role to him. Otherwise, he believes he is my victim and I his persecutor.
That's the reality. and I have no choice now but to accept it.
Where I go from here I don't yet know. All the DB'ing in the world won't change what is or his feelings about me...I guess it's not realistic after this long to even believe it's possible.
I do know that to push for D even with this knowledge is not in my or my children's best interest.
I need to go to ground for a while think and reorient myself to these truths.
It may be time to go pitch black. I don't know yet
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
OK--I HAVE GOT to comment on that birthday "hug" scenario.
My H did this too the first time--hugged my sister, my stepmother, my FRIENDS, before he ever hugged me. Seemed like it was something he did to totally annoy me at the time. Heck he fawned over the DOGS!! I remember feeling like EVERYONE was more important and more lovable than I was.
OK--fast forward to now. My H would NEVER hug my friends or relatives. Because he is truly "done" and there is no hope in his mind that they will accept him back. None.
They have a lot of guilt to overcome--they are the "bad guys" in this scenario. And you are, at times, helping to heap LOTs of guilt his way. If you continue to do that, I am sure he will truly be gone.
There are some blatant positives in your sitch SC. I know you can't see them--you are really a tough cookie to reach at times. Your H has a hard time getting back into your world because of YOU in many ways.
And I pray you quickly lose the "he never loved me" attitude. It puts you into "victim" mode and your kids will "hear" that loud and clear.
And "victim mentality" will spill into a lot more of their life than you can imagine. Please think about that.
OK--I HAVE GOT to comment on that birthday "hug" scenario.
My H did this too the first time--hugged my sister, my stepmother, my FRIENDS, before he ever hugged me. Seemed like it was something he did to totally annoy me at the time. Heck he fawned over the DOGS!! I remember feeling like EVERYONE was more important and more lovable than I was. OK--fast forward to now. My H would NEVER hug my friends or relatives. Because he is truly "done" and there is no hope in his mind that they will accept him back. None.
So you're saying somehow this is a positive sign? He's still comfortable enough to be around people that do love me. Is that what you're getting at?
Interesting perspective. One I'd not thought of, because honestly it feels like another slap in the face.
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They have a lot of guilt to overcome--they are the "bad guys" in this scenario. And you are, at times, helping to heap LOTs of guilt his way. If you continue to do that, I am sure he will truly be gone.
Right now, at this moment LauraOh, I consider him truly gone. It's just a matter of finishing dividing assets and me becominng fully self supporting. He is my co-parent. Not my friend or someone that even likes/cares who I am.
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There are some blatant positives in your sitch SC. I know you can't see them--you are really a tough cookie to reach at times. Your H has a hard time getting back into your world because of YOU in many ways.
No doubt about that at all. I am who I am. I can change my behaviour, but my basic character remains. Sux to be me.
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And I pray you quickly lose the "he never loved me" attitude. It puts you into "victim" mode and your kids will "hear" that loud and clear.
I don't see it that way, of course. I see it as acceptance that I made a critical error in my life at quite a young age. An error that will be difficult to recover from in many areas of my life. My responsibility. Yeah I screwed up.
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And "victim mentality" will spill into a lot more of their life than you can imagine. Please think about that.
Of course I don't see that I'm a victim here , not at the moment. I made a lot of bad choices. I accept that my choices have consquences.
I realise I'm rapidly cycling in an out of emotional states right now. I'm in a holding pattern for 72 hours until I have time to think about any action I may want to take or may be advisable.
Feeling as I do now, I want to do all sorts of things. For now, I'm sitting on my hands and just breathing and meditating.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
To be honest Scylla this is all getting a bit angst ridden and boring for me - so I can only imagine how tedious it must be for you.
OK - I understand what you have been getting at for the past few months. You're right - it sux when you realise you've been living in fantasy land for half your adult life.
Now it's time to climb out of the pity party and be a bit philosophical about this stuff. You have realised that you didn't know him ...? Yeah? So, if you think about it, maybe he had made up the same style of fairytale in his own head up until his revelations of 2 years ago. What's to say that he had made you into a completely different woman in his head - and at some time in his personal development - he's just looked at his life and thought "God, this isn't at all how I thought it was, this isn't what I signed up for".
A couple of additional comments. We are different people when we are in our 20s to who we are in our 30s to who we are in our 40s. We see the world differently and we have different resources with which to react to it. I don't believe that your husband deliberately misled you about his feelings, commitment or whatever - he was behaving how he thought he was supposed to behave. Just like you were.
Ever since you first started posting here, you've been "threatening" yourself/him/us/the universe that you are "just about done", "can't do this anymore", etc etc .... well what's stopping you? Be done. There's no law against it.
To be honest - the best thing you could do for yourself is to detach from him and from any "expectations" about rebuilding your relationship. With your attitude and his distance, it's not like there's going to be some miraculous change in circumstances over the next month that's going to make everything better.
Detaching, "going pitch black", "no-contact" (and there's some good stuff around written by women relationship advisors about "implementing no-contact" (google it) - is for you. It gives you the space and energy to focus on the rest of your life and take your focus off your H. You need to do that Scylla. YOu need to do it for you - but you also need to do it so he can really feel what it's like not having "mother/saviour/superorganiser" Scylla around.
Also, taking the focus off what a f'd up individual he is and all the bad things he's done to make your life difficult, will help you move out of the victim role you've placed yourself in. Enough of that.
Is he seeing someone else?
One last point. Dating. I say go for it, but go for it in a healthy and respectful way. There are lots of traps out there for people reentering the dating lifestyle after a long relationship. My adventures over the past few years have included "separated" men who weren't really separated; divorced men still pining for their WAW; young men, delighted with the opportunity of dating an 'experienced' woman; the list goes on and on - and I could entertain a dinner party with it all night - but the point is, you have to be emotionally very healthy to weed out the toxic men. It's just as easy to create those fairytales in our head of new men, as it was to create them about our old spouse.
There are a couple of bulletin boards around that focus on healthy relationship advice that you should look at. One is Loveshack - a bb for relationship advice for all sorts of situations (there's a board for marriages, one for infidelity, dating and ldr, othermen/otherwomen etc) and I'd also encourage you to google Baggage Reclaim - which is a blog that's updated regularly.
Take care girl ... this is tough stuff.
(((hug))) V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
OK - I understand what you have been getting at for the past few months. You're right - it sux when you realise you've been living in fantasy land for half your adult life.
Fantasyland, maybe not so much. I'd say it's more a realization that I didn't understand fully the "rules" or expectations required of me. I did what I knew how to do, with the tools I had in my arsenal and I thought that was enough.
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You have realised that you didn't know him ...? Yeah? So, if you think about it, maybe he had made up the same style of fairytale in his own head up until his revelations of 2 years ago. What's to say that he had made you into a completely different woman in his head - and at some time in his personal development - he's just looked at his life and thought "God, this isn't at all how I thought it was, this isn't what I signed up for".
True. Very likely what happened. Who he married is not who I am now.
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Ever since you first started posting here, you've been "threatening" yourself/him/us/the universe that you are "just about done", "can't do this anymore", etc etc .... well what's stopping you? Be done. There's no law against it
Threatening. I suppose you could see it that way. I am so frustrated at this situation. I am thinking though about this whole statement. It will take some time to percolate through the layers.
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To be honest - the best thing you could do for yourself is to detach from him and from any "expectations" about rebuilding your relationship. With your attitude and his distance, it's not like there's going to be some miraculous change in circumstances over the next month that's going to make everything better.
Exactly. There is nothing to look forward to here. I guess part of what I've spewed on these boards is a preliminary way to rid myself of expectations at all. Go to a emotional and expectational wasteland, with him as a stranger I may not even care to converse with.
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Detaching, "going pitch black", "no-contact" (and there's some good stuff around written by women relationship advisors about "implementing no-contact" (google it) - is for you. It gives you the space and energy to focus on the rest of your life and take your focus off your H. You need to do that Scylla. YOu need to do it for you - but you also need to do it so he can really feel what it's like not having "mother/saviour/superorganiser" Scylla around.
Good point. Up until now I have been available, accomodating, friendly, pleasant, kind and polite. Being that is the furthest thing from my mind, although out of force of habit I'm still courteous and behave no differently. Even today when he cancelled an arrangement.
He is capable of looking after himself and others. He's got himself entangled with a couple as a caretaker and emergency contact. The wife in this couple is dying of a terminal illness and progressing quickly. I only know second hand of this. I've never met them.
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Is he seeing someone else?
It's possible. I really have no way of knowing unless he becomes indiscreet around the kids.
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One last point. Dating. I say go for it, but go for it in a healthy and respectful way. There are lots of traps out there for people reentering the dating lifestyle after a long relationship. My adventures over the past few years have included "separated" men who weren't really separated; divorced men still pining for their WAW; young men, delighted with the opportunity of dating an 'experienced' woman; the list goes on and on - and I could entertain a dinner party with it all night - but the point is, you have to be emotionally very healthy to weed out the toxic men. It's just as easy to create those fairytales in our head of new men, as it was to create them about our old spouse.
So true. I've already seen some evidence of very toxic people and behaviours out there.
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There are a couple of bulletin boards around that focus on healthy relationship advice that you should look at. One is Loveshack - a bb for relationship advice for all sorts of situations (there's a board for marriages, one for infidelity, dating and ldr, othermen/otherwomen etc) and I'd also encourage you to google Baggage Reclaim - which is a blog that's updated regularly.
Thanks so much for this information Virgina. I will keep it in mind and poke around. Thanks too for the hugs.
I'm mostly ok. I tend to let out all the intensity of my negative emotions and thoughts are let out here.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
