The stuck part...? You are getting it... I will leave that stand some more. More time for you to look at it, understand it, own it... You have the rest of your life to understand the stuck, give it some more thought. There is more there. Stay out of the emotion when looking at it. See it from the logical side, as you did at the beginning of your previous post. It will, eventually, sink in.
To touch only briefly on my continued posting here. I do not know others have backed away from posting on your thread. What I DO know, is when I see that someone is getting good support, and I have nothing further to add, I generally refrain from posting. I am here to support everyone I feel can use my support. I silently support those whose threads I do not contribute much to.
Continue to work on hope and understanding. I believe in YOU. I believe that YOU deserve a better life. I do not know that better life is saving your M or getting D and moving on. That is not a picture for me to paint.
What I DO know is, as you paint a picture of a better life for YOU. One that is not full of drama, regret, self doubt, recrimination... Rather one that is full of personal safety, love (of self), respect (of self), personal growth and enlightenment. Peace and prosperity. The positive, nurturing, loving R that you will create with your children... That will put a HUGE smile on my face, because I will KNOW that you are moving forward to a MUCH BETTER place, that you DESERVE, that your kids deserve, that your W deserves... Because you are all worthy of that. It is your RIGHT to be happy and healthy. And happy and healthy might... just might... be full and complete surrender to D.
Focus on your kids. You love them, they love you, and they deserve the best father you can be. 100%. There is no 110% and there is no 90%. Show them how committed you are of their well being by being 100% committed to their happiness with your gift of love and understanding of them!
The only choice I have no is full surrender to Divorce. Against all odds, with my W deeply immersed in an affair with OM/Boss, I managed to bust for 6 years. That is something I can be proud of.
Sometimes, I feel those years were wasted, but there were some happy times during them as well. Some moments between STBX and I, that at the time felt awesome. My kids are older and were able to make it to their 18 and 16 with their Mom and Dad together. We are financially better off than 6 years ago, and I can honestly say that I did everything I was capable of at every turn to save my marriage and my family. I have some solace in that.
This post will appear a little harsh considering how very supportive you have been in my own sitch but if I came here and gave you lots of praise for a job well done I would be a hypocrite and uncaring. I say what I say because i would like to see you succeed...........in life.
It is funny to me how many times a WAS will tell us exactly what they need and how many times we ignore their 'information'. I see your W being very clear with you and although most things should be taken with a grain of salt it should still give you some kind of indication as to how to proceed.
She makes little contact with you as is, yet when she does you never miss the opportunity to tell her how much you love her and miss her and how sorry you are. Do you think she knows by now?
Keeping short and PLEASANT for you should be key but I know how hard it is when you are in a state of desperation. You want to say it one more time maybe this time they will hear you.
She tells you this
Originally Posted By: BeTheMan
"Focus on this for me. If you are good to me, I will always be there for you. So how bad can it be? I will always love you.
Which to me is very kind and you respond with a barrage of text messages. If you look at your text you could have picked out an appropriate response that was not so overwhelming. How about this....
Originally Posted By: BeTheMan
Thanks. I never forget that you live it too. Thank you for caring.
Your words.
Originally Posted By: BeTheMan
Starsky - Isn't helping me move on or isn't helping me from a DB point of view?.
Aren't they one in the same? They really should change the name because people get the wrong impression.
I think you need to spend a little less time concentrating on what she is doing or thinking because at the end of the day you really don't know. Proof?? Ok you will provide it.
Originally Posted By: BeTheMan
but the reality is she never makes contact first
Originally Posted By: BeTheMan
Right after I posted the above, she showed up here!
The thing is we often think it was one event that made them leave, for you it is the night in question but the reality is that it was not one event. We torment ourselves over and over and in the end it is all pointless to do because our perceived control over our spouse is just that, perceived.
We have all done things that we are not proud of.
These sorts of past actions can leave us feeling ashamed and guilty, and we can end up carrying our guilt for years.Guilt is probably one of the most debilitating and negative emotions there is one that can, and often does, destroy a our lives. But if we want to live happy lives, we need to deal with the consequences of our past actions and not allow our lives to be wracked with guilt. Feeling guilty should not be confused with taking responsibility for our past. Taking responsibility means that we actively address the consequences of our actions in whatever way we can, in particular changing our behavior patterns. Taking responsibility also includes moving on by making peace with the past.
Unlike taking responsibility, which is redeeming and positive, guilt has absolutely no value. Guilt does not encourage us to change in positive ways but debilitates us, leaving us unable to take the action we need to bring about change.
As a behavior pattern, guilt often becomes a self-perpetuating cycle: we do something, we feel guilty about it, we punish ourselves and, because we feel bad, we end up repeating our behavior at the next available opportunity.
We continue to feel guilt because we do not take full responsibility for our actions or for changing our behavior. But how do we start taking responsibility? By considering, with complete honesty, the part we play in our sitch and accepting our role.
The purpose of our self-examination is to evaluate truthfully whatever occurred so that we can learn how we contributed. Through learning and honest self-assessment, we change our thinking and behavior. We can also forgive ourselves and move on with experience and wisdom.
Forgiveness is vital.
By simply feeling bad about the past, we never really move on. What's more, we imply that the past is meaningless and has no value. What a waste! For, if we have caused harm, surely we should try to learn from our actions rather than living with a heap of regrets? What I have found is that the process of forgiveness enables you to resolve unresolved feelings so that you can move on.
Forgiving ourselves means finding value in any experience. Instead of just writing off an experience as a painful episode, we should look for the value in that experience and try to take out of the experience whatever we can learn
2Step - I love what you said. I honestly don't know that I can do it though. Seriously. I am so angry and hurt that she lied for so many years, that she toyed with me and that ultimately she "got away" with it, that right now I can't live those words as impressive as they are. I can't say I even want to give her what she needs now. I don't feel like she deserves that from me.
As for that night, I know it wasn't the only reason. She had been having an affair for years before that and wanted out for a long time. As I mentioned before, a good mutual friend said "if it wasn't that it would have been something else". I am truly letting go of my guilt for that.
I suppose my greatest challenge is making peace with the past - her actions more than mine. I need to forgive her more than myself maybe. I'm just not there today. I am just angry. But as I said before, I have not lived through the anger yet. Maybe I need to feel all my anger first and then, I can move towards peace and forgiveness.
