Nearly 5 years but who is counting?

[missmyfriend]

I know this doesn't make sense to a lot of people, even those that are going further than a majority of people in fighting for their marriage via Divorce Busting techniques.

I told my wife (and to God) that I would love my wife, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, etc etc until death do us part. I want to be clear that I am not, in the slightest, judging anyone else regarding their marriage oath. I am trying to share why I believe what I do. When I made a committment to my wife, I didn't realize that the worst case situation would happen.

To me, this is definitely for the "worse" when you think of "for better or for worse". Even in "sickness and in health", I am unsure if she isn't going through an emotional issue. I want to add that I know I helped create the issue I find myself in, so I am not absolving myself of responsibility.

In my worldview, I believe in the Christian God and I also believe that the devil does exist, trying to influence people to rebel and avoid a personal relationship with Jesus. I know that the devil is like a "prowling lion looking for someone to devour" and I believe that God is "a lamp to my path and a light to my feet".

If I was to consider simply my oath to God about my marriage, I believe I need to trust Him with restoring my marriage. I don't know how He is going to do it or when, but either I trust Him or I don't.

There is something else that is on my heart. I still have love for my wife in my heart. I have no idea why because when others have hurt me or betrayed me, in the past, I wanted to be free of that person and didn't feel the love for that person that I felt before. I care about my wife's end destination. I don't know where she is regarding God or if her salvation is in question. According to her choices, it leads me to believe, that there is concern.

I know that many people feel that she has made her choice regarding our marriage and it is time for me to "move on". The challenge I face is that when I promised to her until death do us part, there was nothing in to vows that I said "unless my wife leaves the marriage or cheats on me or...". I do know that there is the "out" clause that is mentioned in the bible but Jesus also said that God allowed divorce due to the hardness of people's hearts and He also said He would allow it. To "allow" something sounds as though He doesn't feel that is the best solution but one that He would permit. What would God prefer?

I used to live life for myself. I thought I wanted to please God but it was only when pleasing Him didn't interfere with what pleased me first. I know my time on earth is a lot shorter than my time with Him so my feelings have changed. I would rather please Him no matter how hard it seems to be. And I have to be honest. Standing for my marriage is hard and something I would rather not do. I don't play the martyr very well. The thought of being with someone who wants to be with me is somewhat desirable (although I am concerned that this would happen again, if it didnt work out with the woman who was my best friend).

Something else that I have thought about is that most people would be supportive of my being patient with my children "departing" emotionally and physically, waiting for God to work on them until my children are restored in a parent-child relationship (regardless of their age). At the same time, support is almost non-existant when a spouse does the same thing.

Now I think the reason is that many people do not consider the relationship between a man and a woman in marriage to be as great as the relationship between parent and child. I think that is more of a secular worldview. The biblical view is that a marriage between a husband and wife is second only to the relationship between the individual and God.

If I am supposed to be patient, loving and forgiving to my children (considering the prodigal son story), why should I exclude my spouse?