Kaffe - She has no intentions? None? Not even just to keep toying with me?
I am going to put out here what could very well be the biggest and most difficult challenge for you so far in your life and I hope for your sake BTM, you are up for it.
It is two part:
(hard) a) ASK YOUR WIFE what her INTENTION IS with the CONTACT!
(harder) b) ACCEPT your wife's answer and MOVE FORWARD.
no more guessing...
I just hope that you are not too afraid of the answer that you will not ask the question.
Not an aggressive challenge. This is something that you need to do, otherwise my friend, you may never move on. It appears you are lacking direction, otherwise.
oh... and here's an incentive for you, if you will...
This could be a great opportunity for her answer to surprise a lot of people watching your sitch!
I would like to surprise/help others here, but the reality is she never makes contact first. Even today, I texted her first about S17. She no longer makes contact ever, so I can't ask it now. It would have been a great thing to ask months ago. Like every other thing, it's too late.
Starsky - Isn't helping me move on or isn't helping me from a DB point of view? It's way too late from a DB point of view.
Kaffe - She has no intentions? None? Not even just to keep toying with me? She doesn't think she is "toying;" she thinks she's being nice to you and wants to be your friend. Given that she said she's moving in with OM, that's clarity in her words AND actions.
I didn't respond to her last text above, and then this:
STBX: If you could just learn to be my friend things would be so much better (cuz she could still cake eat)
Not sure what the^^^ "cake eating" comment means. How so?
She isn't really flirting w/you much in the texts I am reading.
She's saying she just wants to be friends. You DO have children together.
M: I tried that. Like the night we went to see (concert). It was so nice, but even with you turning it down, for me it didn't feel like watching a concert with just a friend.
^^^that is how YOU felt...
STBX: Ok.
That is NOT how she felt...or she could have said "me too"...
I have not responded and will not. It's amazing the power she has over me.
YOU are the one giving her the power. From giving me crap about being a bad father to making me swoon in a matter of hours. That's powerful stuff.
ALL of that^^^^ is self inflicted. You REALLY need to see how you are doing this to yourself. At least here in this post, it's all you on you.
Stop giving her all your power.
I will stay dark until Wed when I fly out to Calgary to visit an old friend. Then - a simply "bye in case the plane crashes" call.
Why not just stay dark? How does contact help YOU?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
oh... and here's an incentive for you, if you will...
This could be a great opportunity for her answer to surprise a lot of people watching your sitch!
I would like to surprise/help others here, but the reality is she never makes contact first. Even today, I texted her first about S17. She no longer makes contact ever, so I can't ask it now. It would have been a great thing to ask months ago. Like every other thing, it's too late.
Wow. What do I know!
Right after I posted the above, she showed up here! She brought S17 home from work. Earlier today when texting I asked if she would take her parrot when she moves because he is a mess. When they are stressed, unhappy, they pluck themselves.
Anyway,I was downstairs when she can S17 came in. I could hear her talking to the parrot. I stayed downstairs and after a few minutes went upstairs. She greeted me with "Hi Mr. ____ " That seemed purposely mean to me, since for us, calling each other Mr and Mrs ______ is a petname. I said "hi", she handed me money for this week and then I went back downstairs. She gave the parrot a bath, talked with S17 and then came downstairs to talk to me.
I am having a very tough day and she could read it right away. I am no where near that great an actor. She told me she talked with S17 and that he said he doesn't want to move - it could be more like she talked him out of it. She commented on how you can feel the stress in the house and I said "I do my best each day". She wished me well on my trip said to say hi to my friend and then said "Ok, I'll leave you be" and left.
Even though Starsky had just told me what to ask, I didn't. She likely would have just said that she came in to see how poorly the parrot is doing. Truth is she probably came in to see how poorly I am doing.
She looked incredible as always, but I tried not to notice, or at least, make it obvious. The last thing I needed was to see her today. Not sure if she was being cruel or kind. At this point, kind is cruel.
Yesterday was a really bad day for me. So, much so that I spent the entire day in a funk and really didn't live it all. I just waited for it to end so I could go to sleep.
Lying in bed this morning, I of course though about what I always do: her, him, us, coulda, woulda, shoulda. I am trying to give myself a reality check now. Yes, I still love STBX for some reason, or at least I think I do. But, here's the reality when I remove all the emotion:
She has been having an affair with OM/Boss for years. She has been in love with him for years.
Before she moved out, she was not in our marriage and never would have been fully there.
I was not happy either. I was so angry that I did something horrible to her that I will always regret.
She has now fully chosen to be with OM and our divorce will be final in a matter of months.
I actually think it's possible she had the last 2 years all planned out. Seriously. Move out but still come around and do family things on Sundays, "date me" and vacation together and as a family, after a year of separation say it didn't get better and then claim to only start a relationship with OM then. All that time being with him as she always was. The end result - exactly where we are today: she is with him, I am a broken man who no one trusts, and most importantly, to her kids she looks like she is not guilty and that she really tried.
So....why is it that I am still so focused on things and can't move on? Because I am angry that she "got away with it". I am angry that our kids blame me, and really don't know the truth. I understand that it is best that they don't, but I am angry that I am paying for her actions and she got away with it.
I hate the fact that she thinks that I don't know the whole truth. I hate that she played me like a fool. That even after she was openly with OM (other than to me) she was still leading me on. No, she was NOT just being a friend. One week before the truth came out she mentioned going on vacation together. I hate that she said she "is stuck" with OM and that the first time they supposedly had sex was this year and that she "decided to play nice and keep my job". Just how stupid does she think I am. From saying that a couple months ago, to saying how good he is to her and buying a house together.
I hate that they are going to be happy together. I hate that he "won". I hate that he ruined my family. I hate that my kids work with them and see him every day. I get sick to my stomach when i think of him touching her and vice versa.
I hate that she still won't admit that her affair was a major reason for the end of our marriage. She still blames me and says she only is responsible for the final end of it.
So, I have lost my dream of a family being together forever. But, what have I lost as a wife? a lying, cheating, person who appears to want to hurt me over and over again under the guise of being my friend. Am I looking at this all the wrong way? Or am I finally seeing it all the right way?
Here's the good part - While I am an absolute mess right now, I have made some changes in myself and will come out a better man. I have this last huge hurdle to get over and then I might be better. I am keeping my house, my kids are with me (S17 still very angry with me), I am financially stable, I am physically healthy, have a well paying job that is safe, have made a few friends that I never had, and am considering re-connecting with my extended family.
Yes, I am lonely every day and the thought of even dating someone seems so weird to me. Yes, I miss the good things about her and the way things used to be. Yes, many times every day something reminds me of her.
The bottom line is that I am angry that she played me like a fool, I fell for all of it and she got away with it. That's what I think is really eating at me.
How in the world do I deal with all of that? My counselor really doesn't have answers. How do others move on when you get to this point? When it is over and your spouse has moved on and is about to live their dream?
I'm not sure if this is a bad day or a good day. I don't think I will ever have a good day until I somehow deal with my anger over how stupid I have been for so many years. Again, am I seeing this all wrong now, or am I just finally accepting the horrible truth?
BTM, here's the thing... your post started off well... and then you got stuck again... do you see that^^^? Do you see where...?
Here's the thing, from where I sit. Maybe... just maybe... for the time being, you stay in the "I'm mad at my wife" state for right now. It might be a rationalization or justification, but it might be something that will help you get through the next few months. The thing to understand is, you don't have to "fix" that right now. It will still be there in the future, when you finally have time to work further on it. Other things might be a better priority, right now.
Do not act on any anger towards her. Rather, use that anger to propel you forward. Convert that anger into HOPE and UNDERSTANDING. Hope for a better future with a possible R with someone who will not lie to you, who will respect you, who will trust you. Understanding that the person whom you are currently M to is not someone you would want to be with. That you have a RIGHT to change your mind and not be with someone who would treat you that way. And belief that YOU DESERVE better... FROM SOMEONE ELSE, other than your W.
And in moving forward, forget about whether anyone else sees the TRUTH. YOU know the truth that you need to. Eventually, others may see that truth as well. Or not. But right now, they do not want to, and that is OK.
And then rebuild your R with your kids. You are their father. And whether you are M or D, your relationship with them is ONLY about them and you. They will have friends, they will have their mother, they have whatever R they will have with the OM (that is up to them), and they have YOU... their Dad. And THAT is the R you can make better, right now.
Perhaps others will disagree with me, and that's OK. I will not presume to advise you on how to handle your affairs, your M, your D, your family. This is just my opinion on how one future might look, for you...
I am guessing the "stuck" part is in that I don't want her to think I am such a fool that I don't know the real truth. That her opinion of me shouldn't matter anymore. Or, that I get sick when I think of them together? or both? Correct?
Someone mentioned a while ago that I should consider being mad at her. I suppose it is a stage that I have not fully lived. It does make it easier to not miss someone when you are mad at them. I have every right to be mad at her. She cheated for years!
I actually wouldn't want to be married to the person she is now. I want to be with the person I remember. She no longer exists. Sometimes I wonder if it's a control thing too. That she got to choose to end our marriage not me.
I know a few others see the truth and I know it's best for my kids not too. My focus has to be on rebuilding my relationship with them without having to destroy their view of their Mother. It does have to be separate. I need to stop letting them see me live an entire day in a funk. D19 called me a drama queen this morning. STBX only shows them how happy she is. I can at least, fake it in front of them.
Thanks Kaffe. It seems like I have lost many other posters after my revelation of what I did to STBX. It's good to know someone is still out there.
I can feel the pain in your post, I know you are hurting badly.
You are right-you WILL come out of this a better man. And the changes you have made for yourself are good changes, and not a lot of people have the courage to change their lives.
Honestly, I don't know how to tell you to move on from this, because I don't know the answer to it either. They say everything gets easier with time, so I guess maybe it's a wait and see type of thing.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
