While I appreciate the money thing regarding your husband's ability to file, I still call BS.
Here's the thing... I cannot afford to file either. I have said to myself and others that if I could afford to, I would. Thing is... if I really, really wanted to... I could come up with the money... somehow... somewhere... So really, that's an excuse. Things can be done to get the ball rolling that doesn't need money and then things can be done as the money comes available.
I'll submit your H is not fully committed to D. He's testing you, even if it's not consciously.
Time makes us crazy, but time really is our friend...
If you are fully committed to D, then start the process. Otherwise...
Yes, let him come up with the resources to start the process and yes, do ONLY what you need to, within time constraints, to move it forward.
As you suggest, you are not controlling him in the process, you are only controlling you. Leveraging time to your advantage.
If control is an issue, then this would be a 180 for you, yes.
I get that you do not want the D. So does he. If he starts the process and you only do what is necessary, he will likely accuse you of stalling. That's fine. That's his feelings. Validate his feelings ("I understand you feel I am stalling. I am making sure I am clear on all the paperwork.") and then show him you are handing over control at each juncture by completing the paperwork and handing it back.
My W does not want to spend money to D, either. She has found a way that we can do mediation for free, so that we can take the paperwork to our Ls for final filing. I am VERY clear that with this mediation, either one of us can stop the process at ANY time. So I have a lot of opportunity to stop playing the game once it begins. At the end of mediation, I can even decide that I do not like the results and choose to go back through the process with Ls at that time.
Not controlling HER, rather just leveraging time.
Semantics? Maybe it could be seen that way. Truly, if she wants the D, I will not stop it. I WILL make sure that enough time is put into the process so that everyone is clear on the outcome and it is maximum benefit for everyone.
Rules...? Boundaries, control...
If he wants to date, he will. If he is "respecting" the rules around dating, then he still has one foot in the door.
It is said there are no rules in love or war... There are some absolute truths in that statement.
You need to do only ONE thing, regarding rules of dating. Let him know that you understand you cannot control what he does. Let him know that YOU will not date until after the D and that HE can and will do what ever he chooses. And leave it at that. He can deal with his own daemons around that.
Interesting... it seems that I am laying the foundation for my own sitch, as I speak on my opinions of yours...
I further understand that you do not want the man who you are currently M to. I do not want the woman who I am M to. She is not the woman I knew, when I M'd her.
What you have done to GAL, how you have changed yourself, made yourself better... how you will continue to become a better person (not like you were not a good person, you are just becoming... more... better...) is the foundation for who you will become, who you will be, for the future, for a future R with whomever that may be.
By being a better person, you "give permission" to others to step into their greatness, as it were. Not like they NEED your permission, you are just "showing the way" and leading by example. This could possibly lead your H to finally find it in himself to do the work on HIMself, to become better. To learn and grow from this experience.
You may find that your changes will have him interested in you and he may ultimately step up, make changes in himself, and decide that he does in fact want to be with you. And thus, you will not be with the man who stands before you... rather, you will be with a NEW and IMPROVED man... without the hassles of having to get D and start a new R.
Finally, as far as the kids. You could either assert control again (either aggressively or passively) by saying "No" to splitting them, or telling him to figure it our himself...
or...
you could just work WITH him and the kids to figure out what works. Not doing the work, just letting your H know that you will support him in figuring out what works best for everyone, but you will not accept anything that may be harmful for the kids.
