Ok I think you guys are misunderstanding my approach a little.
I know it's supposed to be about me and GAL. I know it's hard to believe but I never stopped having one. I for the most part to everything I did while I was married and to be honest I do a little more now. As a person I am very happy with myself. My friends are waiting for me to crash or something because I am so upbeat and positive. Yes I have negative thoughts about the uncertainty of the future, but I know that is not under my control and must take whatever is handed to me. So I am accepting of it and ok with whatever the outcome as I will be fine. My friends seem to think I am in denial. I'm not I felt this way since 1 day before the bomb dropped. let me go back to my coming around. We had fight 2 nights before bomb. I laid in bed half the night thinking and for whatever reason a light bulb went on and I just laid there and cried. Not because she was going to hand me a D because I didn't know that at the time. I was so hurt inside because i could not believe how poorly I treated her for so long and how I wasn't the person I really am. I can't begin to explain the feeling of relief I had from realizing this and I knew I must for me rediscover myself. Which I have. The original me is very encouraging, supportive, upbeat and very unselfish in such a way I am willing to sacrifice my wants to fill others needs/wants.
As for being manipulative I'm not being that way all. I can't control what she does or doesn't do. I can only support and encourage her to be herself and do what she thinks makes her happy. When our relationship began it was all about her and her wants/needs. Nothing made me more happy in life than seeing her happy. I know it looks like I'm being a push over and such, but really that is the person I am and haven't been. Basically I did a 180 back to myself. This is why I am emotionally handling this as well as I am. The only thing I seem to have trouble with is if she has noticed the difference and if she has will she allow herself to think about if they are real or not.
As far as the chess game it appears I am playing goes. That isn't the case at all. Consider this. Everybody knows their spouse to some degree and if one thing happens the likelihood of them reacting will be consistent with some certain pattern that was in place. Consider this, we all are here to rediscover our old self and make some changes as well. The walk away spouse most likely isn't trying to change themselves, they are more interested in getting away from their perceived problems, us. Now based on several years of certain patterns I make assessments on the likelihood of her reactions to how I treat things. I have no expectations they are just things based on those patterns I believe will happen. I'm not doing something to get a certain reaction from here. I am doing them because I want to. The only motivation I have to do these things is because it is what makes me happy about me. If she reacts differently from the pattern I am okay with that as well. I just have to be me.
