Yes, AJM... More of the same. Good to hear your are doing OK and GALing as you can!
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Of course I never wished my canuck family here a happy Canada Day! So consider this belated wish!
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I am spending this long weekend working through what I want.
I am revisiting my M from beginning to now. Taking a good, hard look at what attracted me to my W in the first place. Why I asked her to M me. How I behaved in the M in the early stages to how my participation in the M degraded. What I could have done differently.
I sit here at this time, wondering why I have been sad that my M is failing. What was I truly sad about? Was I sad because I feel my W rejected me? Was I sad because I believe my W feels I've rejected her? Was I sad because I felt I've failed to show my children what a successful M looks like? Something they could achieve in their own adult life? Perhaps I felt sad because I don't want to feel like I've let down my family, my W's family, our friends...?
Am I wanting to stay M because I don't want to "fail" in M? Did I really love my W or did I just choose to say I love my W in order to have what I wanted at that time in my life, which was to be M, to have children, to feel that connection with and acceptance by other human beings, the true love, that M brings?
Am I lying to myself, on the surface thinking that I love my W? But in reality, I am actually unwilling to say I was wrong, I lied, I never loved her. That I am unconsciously looking forward to D and that I have created this stich (ie. done my part specifically to get to this point) so that it can look like my W left the M rather than looking like the bad guy...
These are the things that I'm digging deep for, this weekend.
And also, regardless of what answers I come up with this weekend, to come up with some real decisions about what I want and setting some real goals as to what my future will look like.
