Well today was somewhat or a crazy day. I know some have been waiting for the update but honestly I have not had the chance to write it out. I never responded after the last text message that was sent yesterday but one thing I will say about my X is that she never went dark on me anytime I called she always called back so not responding to her text was not something I wanted to do.
If you are a noob DO NOT TRY THIS!!
Around 2PM I finally responded and I sent her this text
M: Hello X, I got your messages and I hope all is well. I don't feel seeing D right now is such a good idea, she is still very fragile and deserves a chance to heal. I know u understand. Anyways, hope you have a great summer and things are going good for you.
This was not meant to get a reaction, it is how I feel. Figured she would send back a nasty text back and I was ok with that. She did
X: WOW.....Hope u have a great life too
No response from me. About a minute later I get the call. I thought about not answering but really there was no point not to. No mystery, no games, no trick. I just saw the number and said out loud 'let's put this crap to rest'
M: hello
X: Does D know you don't want me to see her? I think that is pretty fk up but if that is what you want that is fine. I just hope you tell D it was your decision and not mine because I told her I wanted to see her when she was here in town. I told her I would.
M: Well I will speak to her tonight at some point. I am looking out for her interest, it has nothing to do with you or me I just hope you understand that is my reasoning.
X: I told her I would see her and I wanted to see her but you decide what you want. I just wanted to know because I have to get time off from work.
M: D will have her cell phone with her in OK. If she would like to see you she will contact you.
X: Oh ok but I work almost every day so later don't get pissed off at me when I can't go see her because I have to work. I need to get my days off in advance so if she calls me out of the blue and wants to see me I might not be able to that is why I wanted the dates ahead of time so I can request the time off. But whatever
The tone of this conversation was very combative
M: She will be there 13th and spend the entire month there so I am sure you will have plenty of time to see her if we decide it is best for her. I don't want to take away from her if she would like to see you but I also have to protect the 11yr old. I don't want her seeing you to create some kind of false expectation that will only disappoint her in the long run. I do hope that if you do see her, and I am sure this goes without saying, that it is only you that is seeing her.
X: WTF does that mean!!! Who the fk else would it be!!
M: I am just saying, well you know what I mean I don't think I have to tell you what I mean.
X: You know what, whatever, I just need to know if I have to take time off from work cause I want to see her. You are such an a$$hole!!
M: You want to see her??? You know it would have been different if you would have maintain a R with her this whole time. If you called her to check up on her but you haven't. Last time you spoke to her was Easter!
X: You better get your facts straight cause I talked with her yesterday but obviously you did not know that.
M: Oh that is great! And before yesterday?
X: It has been awhile
M: Yeah try 3 months and now you want to just pop in and say 'hey how you doing' I got to believe that you really must not have any idea of the devastation you cause in our lives. Do you know she is in therapy? Do you know she had nightmares up until 1-2 months ago?? So you see, it has nothing to do with you. You didn't want to call me? Don't. I could care less. You could have called her or text, or email and that was wrong.
X: I know that has been wrong but I was avoiding talking with you.
M: BS she has her own cell phone and you have called before and talked to her and not me before.
X: BS I always end up talking to you and I am tired of the same old crap being said. Over and over every time I talked to you. I called yesterday and all I hear in the back ground is 'who you talking to D? Who is it?' your fking mom.
M: You called before, you've spoken to her and not me, so please don't tell me that you end up talking to me every time. Anytime I talk to you it is because you have asked to speak to me.
X: Maybe I have handled the whole thing wrong but I was not doing it because I wanted to hurt her. I thought it would be worse for her if I had constant contact. I just didn't know what to do X. There is no sense explaining that to you
M: Look you are upset. I get it. I will talk to her and maybe we will come up with something. I don't want to take away from her if it is something she would like to do.
Quiet on the phone
X: If I see her I will go through your sister not your mom.
M: Yeah you have said that before. Doesn't matter to me but you know you use my mom a lot as a reason you left. My mom did not pack your truck, my mom did not make you file those papers you did all by yourself.
X: Your mom helped in that decision X. You helped in that decision. You left me long before I left you. I was not your priority. I did not matter. My opinions meant sh!t. And what you wanted to rush in here after I left?? I gave you a choice, that day in the kitchen and you chose your mom. I get so freaking angry with you X and I know you have as much right to get angry with me. I get everyone is healing I just get angry
M: Obviously you are angry. I am not angry with you. I'm just not. I'm passed that, although I have plenty of reason to. I am at peace mostly because I know I could do no more. I did what I could and if I sentenced our M to death you carried out the execution. It's sad really cause it did not have to go down like this but again your decision I would have waited I would have kept going, until you gave me nothing to hold on to anymore. You live your life in Tulsa you owe me nothing.
Back and forth back and forth for awhile. OM came up again
X: WoW I don't have to explain myself to you at all but he seems to keep coming up and it is not what you think at all.
M: Doesn't matter what it is. You don't have to explain yourself to me.
X: No I don't but I have never lied to you
M: Look X you have always known the line I would not cross. I knew back in December something was off. You are a planner and moving to Tulsa did not come overnight. So please don't treat me like a jerk. Again it does not matter at this point it really doesn't you can date whomever you want. I do not care.
X: You want to believe that then that is your problem. It is NOT what you think at all, no way, it is not that at all. Oh god no!!
M: Whatever it is does not matter
X: All it this is, is two people who can't afford to live in Tulsa splitting the rent X. That is it! This R is nothing like what you think it is.
Back and forth a little more
M: And what was that text yesterday all about? You feeling Nostalgic??/
X: Yes I was. Your Buddy talked to me a few weeks back and he really made me think so last night I was going through all your old text and I was getting very sad. I got sentimental but my mistake was I acted on it. I won't make that mistake again. I should never have called you. I wanted to believe you I wanted to but I couldn't.
This part was pretty much same stuff back and forth. We were both pretty much still angry so finally I told her I would let her know about D said good bye and hung up.
About 5 minutes later she calls back
X: I should not have called you and I am sorry. You deserve time to heal also and it is not fair. I won't act on it again. Your not mine anymore to talk to. I lost you and i should not be calling you for these things anymore. I am sorry I am not your problem anymore. I lost you. I just wanted to talk to you.
Then the flood gates opened because she began to cry A LOT
M: You did not lose me. You threw me out. X why are you so upset. I don't want you to feel sorry you called me. I hope I did not make you regret it. You have lots of friends to help you along you have people to talk to.
X: I don't have anybody X. No one I can talk to. Friend from Jersey came to see me the other day. Of all my friends that one person is the only one that cared and I hardly knew her. My life is crap X. I am cleaning houses on the side just to pay for my gas in the car. I am cleaning other people's toilets and I am not asking for pity or sympathy from you but my life is not honky dory like you might think. I am depressed all the time. You know I've connected with some old friends and there is this one friend who wants to go to lunch and all I do is ignore the call because I don't have any money to go.
M: I am sorry for that X. I wish you would not have ended up like this. It breaks my heart.
Still Crying A LOT
X: You tore my heart out and I never thought you could hurt me this bad I never thought you would. You made me believe in true love, in the fairy tale and then you just took it away. And then you wanted me to believe you again. I gave you my heart and you threw it away and stumped on it. I am a 29yr old bitter woman and I don't want to be angry with you but I can't help it, it keeps me from crying all the time.
M: I wish we did not get here. I fought to get here. You filed. I sent YOU the papers so maybe you would slow it down but you went full steam ahead. You did not even give us a chance to make it. If we would have been M 30-40 years this would have been just a time for growing and learning. It was all about making some choices. You say too little too late. I don't even know what that means. If you love someone when is it too little too late? That is why I gave you Jody's number that is why I gave you the book to start thinking differently
X: I just did not see it that simple X. I don't know how to say what I am thinking. I was stubborn, very stubborn and I am normally a stubborn person anyways but I really wanted to be stubborn about this. Another part was fear. I was scared X. The other part I just did not see a way X. I did not see how it could be fixed. I think too much was done it's like I did not see a way out of it.
M: You know you say coming back would have been the easy way out but I disagree. I think coming back would have been the hard way because it required the most amount of work. Fear? I had the same fears you did but I was still willing to try it. There is always a way to correct the wrong X. How sad about being stubborn. For stubbornness we are D and sad.
X: I wish I saw it that clearly. In order to start fresh you need a clean slate and I could not do it while I was so mad at you. I was scared X scared that nothing would change that you would hurt me like that again. You never gave us a chance with D, your mom was involved all the time. I stopped mattering to you and you stopped listening to me. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle and then you get to a point and you say 'what am I fighting for'. The other day I saw a commercial for the Macy's 4th of July fireworks and I got really sad but then I just got pissed off at you again because last year I wanted to go and you said no, now I will never get to see them
M: Yeah I remember that. Then I saw them it on TV and got pissed off at you cause you did not talk me into it LOL I said next year we will def have to go. Oh well. There will be other 4th of July fireworks maybe someday you can go.
The last statement I meant in a way that she could come see them in the future with her new family but she did not take it that way at all
X: Yeah maybe one day but maybe it will be too late.
I ignored it and kept going we talked some more back and forth then she had to go cause she was getting another call.
A few minutes later she called back
X: Sorry that was my boss.
M: No problem
X: I work for a vitamin store and the main manager is leaving and they wanted to know if I would be interested in moving up. It is a good company to work for so I guess that is good
M: Yeah congratz. That sounds awesome.
We talked a few minutes about small talk I decided to soften the convo since she was still pretty upset.
M: Look X we both made mistakes that is clear. I have apologized every which way I knew how but there is NOTHING I can do about the past. I always put you first in our M even though in some ways you did see it or I did not do it the right way, for that I am sorry but there is nothing I could do about that now.
X: I made mistakes also X. I was way too nice I should of stood my ground more I just did not see a way out of this. I did not see how it could have worked. You know I drive to work everyday I get to work and everybody is always asking me what is wrong I tell them it is the heat. Most people think I am just fine but no one really knows. I see couples and I get so sad but then I get mad at you. I see little kids in the store i am so depressed at my own life and then I get mad at you again. I know it is wrong but I can't help it.
We began talking again but she warned me that her phone might die and sure enough it did so I sent her a text
M: I guess your phone died. I hope u don't regret calling to much and I am glad you did
A few hours later I get this
X: My phone died I am sorry...And I am sorry a little for calling...BUt I appreciate that u listened
M: Your welcomed, enjoy your holiday weekend X
X: You too..Thank You (sincerely..No sarcasm)
M: Your welcome
Today I called her because I spoke to my D about seeing her and even though I am still on the fence I asked her to send me the dates she would like to see D. I also asked her how she was after yesterday. She thanked me and said she was alright and she appreciated me asking.
About an hour later I get the text
X: The 21st and 22nd
M: K
X: Is that OK?
M: Which day?
X: Which would u prefer? Or both....
M: What are your plans?
She called
X: Hey I am trying to go based on my payday so that I have money to do things with her. If you would like for me to check into places where I go then let me know and I can do that also
M: LOL no you don't have to check in, it is not like i am handing my D off to a stranger. I will let you know if the dates are ok
X: Well it is just the vibe I am getting.
M: Nah your good
X: Well I was thinking maybe one day i take her to a carnival and then the next day we can just hang out.
M: Sounds fun. You don't have to go all out I think she would just like to spend time with you
X: I know but I want to do things with her also.
M: Ok. Well have a good day
X: Ok you to...........I am just heading back to work from lunch
M: Sounds good
X: What are you doing?
M: Just came back from the mall and from fixing the windshield on the car since the kids put a soccer ball through it.
X: Oh NO. I hope you did not get too mad at them. It must be the heat
M: Yeah I was pretty pissed but then I told them sorry and took them clothe shopping so they are good.
X: Well good they were prob scared
So she talked a little more and I wanted to get off the phone.
X: Well I am back at work so maybe we will talk again
M: What did you say?
X: Maybe we will talk again
M: LOL ok
X: Well if you want to talk to me that is
M: Well like you said maybe we will maybe we won't. Roll a dice see what happens
X: Maybe I will sounds like a good idea. You doing ok?
M: Yup. Doing good. You?
X: Yup. Doing good!
Quite then she starts smirking on the phone
M: What's funny?
X: Oh nothing
I know what she was smirking at. We are both full of sh!t is what she was thinking. I am actually much better than she realizes.
Hung up.
A few minutes later I get a text
X: As much as u drive me crazy....it's been nice talking to u
M: Thank you, like you said maybe you'll call........maybe you won't. Enjoy the holiday
X: You to take the kids to Macy's day fireworks
M: I am
X: Oh good. I am jealous.
That was it.
I know it is long and I know I will come across as a real jerk in some of these exchanges but you know what it does not really matter. My feelings are just as important as hers and NO ONE is worth my sanity. I will not drive myself crazy looking for the right words and watching what I am saying. I do not have to be a jerk but I can make my feelings known especially since she is not the only only one around here who is carrying around hurt feelings and broken dreams.
Quote:
If this is what you did to your wife...No wonder your where you are.
Faith I read this when I woke up and prob woke half the house up laughing out loud. That was funny.
You know last night I took the kids to see Transformers 3 did not get home till 1 was on the phone with someone for a little bit and then began to type. I think I typed 1 sentence before I feel asleep. So at least the effort was there.
Today well washer broke, when and bought a new one. Then the kids broke the winshield of the car, had to go get it replaced. Then I promised them clothe so I spent 3 hours at the mall. So now has been my only time to write.
Let the 2x4's come when you have reached a point where you are fine with either outcome you tend to feel a little free to just let it fly...........
