I want the hurting to stop. The pain to go away.

[aeolianchaos]

Hi Rue,

I'm sorry that you are finding yourself here. I know you don't want a different life, but if you consider that statement in the context of posting here - you actually do, even if right now its the idealized notion of what you thought you had before. There is nothing that might be good for you to do? Even if its just a class or something like that? Do you like movies? Food? Walking?

What kind of personality do you have? Different people have different drives and different things that will get them going - what works for you might be different from what works for me - finding gratification in doing something isn't going to close the door on your H, and refusing to be engaged or gratified isn't going to draw him back. So - why not find something that is enjoyable and even gets your mind off the situation a little?

Eating alone at a restaurant can be a little weird, but if you sit at the bar its not bad.

Right now, your H is simply not able to confront himself or the people he is hurting. This is not your fault. I don't know why he is doing what he is doing - but it does sound a little MLC at first glance. Perhaps someone with more experience in that area could chime in and contribute their hard earned wisdom.