I guess its MLC-new need advice 6 months in

[PEI]

I never thought of myself as trying to "fix" but really trying to help. There was something that didn't seem right about him but I couldn't put my finger on it. I would express concern and now this I get thrown in my face.

Read Co-dependant No More.

Some of which hurts to hear. THings I never even thought of which now adds to my own thoughts -how I failed-and really makes things seem to be impossible. The thought of R anyway.

We have a saying around here about "if it stings then look at it" (paraphrasing, but nickle J3B). In all the stuff my husband said when he dropped the bomb, there were two nuggets that really stood out for me. Two things that "stung". I focussed on doing what I could to explore those behaviours in myself, focussed on doing better now, and figuring out why I behaved as such in the first place. The WHYs are where the real change will eventually come from. I needed to change my programming and self talk in order for some of these changes to stick. I'm a work in progress, but I know what direction I'm headed in. This does not make me responsible for his choices. It does not make me responsible for his MLC (and for the record I do believe my stbxH is having an MLC, but I also think he was a budding WAS before it hit, and it's that part that forces me to acknowledge that I do have some responsibility for the state of our relationship).

Also, hurts because now our M is put under such scrutiny by everyone!! Embarressing for me.

Why do you give a flying fig what anyone else thinks of your marriage? What embarrasses you?

What do I say to these people who think they are helping?

Tell them you don't want to talk about it. Tell them you appreciate their concern.

Also, why is it the MLC'ers rewrite history? Or, is that really how they feel/felt all this time?

They over emphasis the bad because they are focussed on it. They HAVE to be in order to justify and rationalize their behaviour. They can't sit there and say "well my marriage was good and my partner was fantastic but I'm going to walk away and have an affair and treat all the people I love like hell" now, can they?