I guess its MLC-new need advice 6 months in

[25yearsmlc]

Spoke with H. Convo about bills. I asked what the plan was. I have kids at home crying wondering when they were going to see him, etc. I suppose not a good excuse but I did it.

And how's that workin' for ya?

He said if he knew what he wanted he would have done that by now.

Believe him. Act as if this is true.

After talking for awhile-he says he thinks its best if we are done. I said so there is nothing more to say? He said you seem to think so. I said no I am asking you. He said yes lets get together today or tomorrow. H will call me.

Are you trying to talk him in or out of this M? Seriously. Stop talking. Start listening.

He brought up he can't be forgiven for OW. And, I am too good for him. The kids will be fine.

Typical rationalization and self loathing.

I know I told my stbxH over and over again that I could forgive him. I said it very quickly because I wanted to make it work at any cost. Is it really true life? Are you there yet? Or do you still feel desperate, like it's your job to do or say whatever you can that brings your marriage back together? There's the thing ... if it's not genuine, if it's not real ... change, forgiveness, peace ... it won't stick.

And all he ever wanted was to be loved for who he was. Just the way he was.

These are his valid feelings right now, perhaps for a long time. vvv

Yes, I admit I tried to "fix" but really help him.

Even if he wasn't an alcoholic it wasn't your job to "fix" ... errrr ... I mean help him.

life, you are getting some great advice here. And you keep shooting yourself in the foot. I have no idea if your marriage will reconcile or not, but I can tell you this is the best shot you have. Thing is, you have to let go ... not NEED it.

It's scary. The thought of letting go of someone, something, we have defined ourselves by for so long. I thought he wouldn't know I loved him anymore. I thought it would be his permission to continue moving away from me. I thought if I could just get through to him ...

life ... he never needed my permission to walk away. And I don't need his approval to love him either.

As far as answers go ... helping understand MLC (as much as anyone can) helped me find peace. Some days I still struggle, but they are few and far between. Compassion, more often than not, is what I feel when I think about what happened. Not anger, not jealousy, not resentment. I don't need answers anymore ... they aren't mine to find and they won't change anything. There is no explanation that is going to make any of this "better". It got "better" because I chose to change my focus.

Those answers, are his. I hope he does it for himself. I hope they all do, but I have no expecation, therefore no disappointment. Their path, their journey ...

Now let's get back to business ...

What are your plans for the long weekend?

Peace
PEI

and this^^^