I guess its MLC-new need advice 6 months in

[25yearsmlc]

Great post, but are you addressing my sitch, because you are giving advice to another, I think. I am a bit puzzled.

I was addressing both of you but in separate parts. Sorry if that wasn't clear.


I must have misunderstood what was meant by questions- I have never asked my h questions. The things I questioned are what happened to my h , objectively. If you see what I mean.

I am saying that those who ask rhetorical or unanswerable questions, such as "why did this happen?" are usually wasting their time for 2 reasons. First, it's rare that the answers will come OR help them in any way and 2) it takes energy and focus off of their own lives and work.

If you have done the work on you, so be it. I mean, that's good. I am not arguing that you have not. I meant it in a more general way.

A true MLC that happens in an otherwise or previously good m,

is something that DOES have to do more w/what THE MLCer is going through than the m itself or the LBSer. I agree with that.

But I also think it's rare that all was well before in most of the m's. Some yes, but not most. At one point my m was the best one I knew of. For years...

H's behavior was VERY different than before, once he left.


I am nearly 6 years post bomb. My h ran so I never had an opportunity to DB. I am divorced and I have not seen him except in court for over a year, or spoken to him.

I worked on me, and I am happy. For me understanding tMLC process helped, much more than thinking it came from nowhere, that it just happened.

THis makes sense to me. No one wants to think "it came from nowhere"...b/c it takes all our power away. We have to believe we can do something different

OR LET IT GO b/c it's about them and not us. I get that.

But GAL is still the only option we have that seems healthy to me.

And no, I did not do it for h.

I did it for me and I was clear about that. While I don't believe it was coincidental that my h woke up only then

I am very clear that it won't work for everyone. I know this.

Fact is, Most MLCers don't come home and neither do most WAS's...

I don't know the exact statistics but if someone is here on this site at all, it's not a good sign about their m.

That would have meant either that it was the marriage, when I knew in my gut it wasn't. Or that we live in a random and cruel universe, which I don't believe we do.

Agree with this^^... but again, we can only control US and while your m was long enough and sounds like a previously strong one,

most m's don't sound that way here.

I see a lot of denial about issues when the LBSer admits in passing, that they "may have had a temper BUT...." or "we fought a lot BUT"....and then blame the spouse for leaving "out of the blue" or they make excuses about why their spouse has "gone nuts"

when in reality their spouses choices CAN make sense...


And because GAL worked for you, you believe it attracted your h back. I do not doubt it did But I do take issue with any suggestion that will necessarily work for others.


There's no suggestion in my post that it will "necessarily work for others".

I simply pointed out the paradox that

only when the changes are really done for US & we have our own awakening

(that we'll be fine regardless of their choices)

MIGHT the WAS/MLCers have their own awakening and see us anew.

I know many women and men who have GAL and their spouses remain firmly gone. I think this is to do with the length and severity of the MLC not anything we do.


Sure, Okay...but that belief can take away all the power from the LBSer,
and already too many of us, me included,

spend too much time wallowing in our misery, and asking the unanswerable questions,
and focussing on THE WAS/MLCer

Instead of working on US...and taking our power back...I was guilty of that, big time.

The sooner we GAL, the better off we are anyhow.


Dealing with a long and protracted MLC is very different from a short sharp one. They still hang around on the edges of our lives. In that it is not like death, or a 'simple' walkaway.

FWIW, my h was gone with touch and goes for 2 years and talked constantly about the "Last Frontier" for the prior 2-3 years, so it was a long big drag...
I know well what it's like to have them on our "edges"...my h never said he wanted a divorce til I pressed for some clarity, although in hindsight I guess he was clear when he left. As we approach our 30th, I look back on that experience with very different eyes. I do see a role I played in his change. I'm sorry for it but I owned it and made some changes but HE obviously did too. I don't deny that at all. I'm grateful for it.

Once he left the home, I saw the dramatic behavior changes but I would not say it was a "sharp" MLC, b/c it was a long one. Actually I am not even sure it was an MLC at all. (I guess I don't really care though.)


I have closure because I have a life, because I understood the process, because although I changed myself his leaving wasn't ultimately about me, but about him and his issues.

He now deeply regrets what he has done, that I know. Your h had enough sense to look at the changes in you and come home. Many don't

25 that is not inevitable they will come home if we do the 'right' things. GAL helps, but we do it for us.

I feel like I pretty much said this very thing.^^^^ If it wasn't clear, THIS ^^^ is what I believe.

XH is now reconnecting slowly with his children and sending me occasional emails to which I respond nicely.
My MLC experience was very very different from yours, and my marriage even longer!
Sometimes they do not come home and it isn't necessarily our fault. There are no 'sure fire' answers, just handling life with compassion grace dignity and humour, if we can manage it!

My other point was that labelling things as MLC for many here, is a waste of time.

If your sitch was one of the rare ones in which you did nothing to contribute to your h's behavior

I believe you. But I still say that's rare. And I think a lot of people here are looking at alcoholism or adultery and calling it MLC

and I don't see how that helps them except to hope it means a more likely reconciliation.

And I'm not sure whether that's helpful or destructive. I literally don't know which it is b/c sometimes it's one, and sometimes the other.