My W has said the exact same thing to me in the past.
Then figure out why you weren't listening and (as your wife has suggested) draw up a plan and follow it.
Originally Posted By: HerbGarden
I wasn't clear when I said that I could pat myself on the back after being consistent for a month. What I should have said was "make my W feel safe by acting like an adult w/o the anger and hurtful words.
As you know by now... your words are meaningless to her. They ring hollow. The only thing that remains are actions.
My recommendation is that you read this entire thread. Make notes of her requirements and find a way to meet them WITHOUT TALKING. Do them! Not for her, but for yourself because those are life skills you will need in any personal relationship.
You are fortunate in that she is still accessible to you where many others do not have that luxury. YOU WILL BE TESTED. Your life is on the line here, make sure you pass.
I can't remeber the last time I wasn't angry or had flipped out on my W at least once in a 30-day timeframe.
Then you'd better figure out pretty quickly why you were angry and why you decided that your W was the person you decided to take it out on.
Originally Posted By: HerbGarden
In the last three years, the time between outbursts has been getting much briefer.
That's probably because she was busy "checking out" and withdrawing. Not because you were any good at it.
I think 25 had you nailed from the beginning. You are a bully. Whether that is intentional or not, your mind has been trained to take out your frustrations on your W. I hope for your sake that you find another outlet to do that ASAP. Go buy a punching bag and take it out on that BEFORE you have any encounter with her.
I see that the two of you were communicating better on the forum than ever in real life. Want to know why? BECAUSE you had to stop and think of what you were going to say and you could take your time in crafting your answers.
Practice the same thing in her presence. STOP and THINK before you shoot off your mouth. I know that this is unnatural for you because of your military training and your need to react instantaneously. However, those reactions have not been working so well for you, have they?
Want to do some training? Take the next 30 days as the following bootcamp:
"For the next 30 days I'll shut my big mouth and listen to what she is saying. I'm going to try and figure out WHAT she is asking BEFORE I open my trap. And when I do open my trap I will make darned sure that what I'm going to say is NOT going to harm her."
"Likewise, I will start changing my thoughts of her to start looking at her in a more positive light. I will make this effort because my suppressed negative thoughts are part of the problem and are clouding my judgment. I have control of my thoughts and know that they lead my emotions which affect my actions."
Remember that: Thoughts lead to Emotions which lead to Actions. (T.E.A is the acronym)
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
I'm not going to lie, I can't remeber the last time I wasn't angry or had flipped out on my W at least once in a 30-day timeframe.
In the last three years, the time between outbursts has been getting much briefer.
At this point, to reach the 30-day mark would be quite an accomplishment.
Does this mean you have been getting angrier more often?
As a military man you are trained to have self control.
Show it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree that my words are meaningless, but it would definitely be nice if I had something productive and meaningful to say first thing in the morning, while we're lying in bed.
I feel like she often wakes up thinking about the past and would like me to address some of those issues.
.....and yes, I will go back, read this thread again and take notes.
I never used to think much about energy; how some people can affect the mood of a group by simply walking into the room. I definitely believe it now and can see how it ties into "suppressed negative thoughts". I still struggle with negative thoughts and emotions, and I still struggle with "control".
I like to be in charge and therefore control my agenda, time, and workload. My W started a business to generate her own income because I was trying to control her, and now I spend 99% of my free time helping my W run that business; strange situation. I now have absolutely no free time and very little control because it’s not my business, and because I can’t do what my W makes look easy.
When trying to control your world, be careful what you wish for.
Well, I did it again. W came down stairs and said she had too many things to do to fit into a Sunday. I misinterpreted her tone, and her comment, and that turned into a two-hour conversation, which ended with her lying in bed and me feeling lost, again.
Just out of curiosity Herb... what would "more of the same" behaviour be for you, right now...?
And once you figure that out... what would be a fantastic 180 be to not only course correct RIGHT NOW, but that would be positive to continue to do so in the future?
My W and I talked a bit more and she told me that I need to do what I want, when I want, vice trying to do things b/c I think it'll keep the peace.
This afternoon, I took care of some stuff while my W did some writing. I admit, it was hard for me to do my own thing because I'm not used to feeling like I have the freedom to do what I need to do.
I've been unfaithful in the past, and angry, so my W doesn't trust me; this I understand. I also understand that my W has checked out, and that I must sink or swim. I guess her telling me to do the things I feel need to be accomplished is better than having me hang around, driving her nuts.
