....but have handled ourselves quite well. I am very proud of both of us.....
......Part of me worries that she will go nuts once we get over there, but all I can do is give it time, do my best and pray for good things....
Have you sat your W down for a family after action review? Have you told her how wonderful it feels and how much you appreciate all she is doing so that you are working together as a team? As a "leader" in the military you need to understand how important praise and positive reinforcement are to building a cohesive unit.
Since you know that I am a guy who believes in giving unconditional love to my W, it should come as no surprise that my suggestion is to make sure that she not only feels loved, but that she feels appreciated and good about herself. All those things are likely to help her with her MLC and gaining an image of who she is. You might also want to talk to her (possibly during your vacation) about personal goals the two of you have as a couple while overseas. If it were me, one of my goals would be to start working (as a couple) with a sex therapist (who can discuss both your W's bisexuality and the potential for an open marriage -- as that in my view is risky behavior that needs lots of upfront ground rules and counseling to make work). I would also want her to start her own GAL so she feel strongly about herself and has pride in herself.
On the otherhand if you are DB'ing and avoiding relationship talk to just focus on the here & now, put off the holding hands and discussing the future. The R stuff can happen in the future once the two of you build your relationship.
I will again suggest that you read the Montana Wife story (it is in an earlier post of mine), where the wife refused to allow her MLC husband to ruin her marriage and family. She gave him space, love, support and distance so that he could heal and come back. You and/or your wife will backslide, and you and she will each need to find strength. The good news is that the more the two of you have quality time together, the easier it will be to handle and excuse the moments of weakness.
I have been married for nearly 40 years and really didn't think I would still be married to my wife. She did some things that really hurt, but she also really loves me in her own way. It is not always the way I want to be loved, but I do know that she loves and cares about me. I also know that she can drive me crazy and sometimes backslides and reverts to behaviors that hurt. However, she now quickly tries to make amends, as do I.
Good luck on your move. Try to do something special when you get to your new location to make her feel loved and lighten the stress. Enjoy sharing your youth together.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Just thought I'd give everyone another update. The move went surprisingly smoothly with no fights and lots of togetherness and excitement. We decided to take a 7 day vacation enroute. It has been alot of fun except for some issues.
I'll start first by saying that our level of togetherness and intimacy is way up. She's even back to wearing her wedding ring on a daily basis.
My only issue is that I can tell she is back to bottling. We should have had 3 or 4 major fights by now but she has avoided them. I know she hasn't let them go. Additionally we haven't ml since the last time I mentioned it here. She has had a continous period for months now and uses it to avoid any chance of ml. That and twice she tried to use withholding sex as a punishment for minor transgressions. (which to me means nothing as I don't expect to get any while she still has a period, which now has lasted for MONTHS). She wants to see a doc as soon as we settle down. I know her well enough to know all this is stress induced. I'll save that for another entry.
Finally we had a couple of fights over money. We are getting to the point where we completely blow the budget. Every time I try to let her know she gets upset, and says she hates asking for permission to buy the things she wants. Then she starts talking about how she wants to make her own money, the eventually mentions that porn is the answer for money. She then sees me get upset, and gets mad at me saying that we are on vacation and shouldnt think of such things! The nerve, then why say something so hurtful! Yesterday over dinner she saw that I was worried about our finances so she said. Don't worry I already decided I will do porn to help pay for the bills. I told her that's not what I wanted. She insisted we not discuss it then, we both tried dropping it but she can tell I was upset. She said "I'm only doing it because its the only thing I can do to help." and that she hated seeing me worry me about money so she wanted some easy cash. I told her that it would stress me out more if she was doing that for money, and I'd rather have the stress of financial burden than that. She then said she wanted to do it so "she can do something with her life". I told her that was unacceptable to me. She then said "were getting divorced aren't we?". I told her no, but she needed to stop saying she was going to do porn. I then manned up and told her that i felt like I couldn't be honest and tell her no to spending, because the first thing she would do was threaten me with porn, and I felt that all she cared about was having spending money. Even at the expense of me getting hurt. At this moment she got upset and asked me to drop the conversation "for the sake of dinner". I did, but I guess I was still visibly upset, because about a minute later she said "look the whole porn thing was just an idea, I don't know yet" I figured that's her way of taking back what she said so I allowed myself to calm down. In an earlier fight she got upset because I tried telling her she had spent enough. She got upset and told me she didn't like feeling like she had to ask me permission, and that she was going to get a job. I told her she knew I would let her. She then got very upset saying how dare I "let" her. Clearly her control issues are coming back. Once again this argument lasted a few minutes then she tried acting like nothing happened.
So in summary, she has been trying very hard to avoid fights. This is both good and bad since things have been much more pleasant. On the other hand I am smart enough now to know when she is bottling. She has done a lot of that in the last three days. Which is good out of 9 I guess. I just need to be careful. We still have a lot of work to do. Specially when it comes to her feeling independent and fulfilled.
As I write this things are happy again in the little hotel room we are calling home, but I am at least smart enough this time to know what happened was a relapse and that certain issues need to be addressed soon.
I am glad you are feeling better about things and your move went relatively smoothly.
As to finances and your wife saying she will make money through porn, I am reminded of my son's when they were teenagers wanting to get rich quick by trading baseball cards or starting a band and getting famous. It was part of their immaturity.
I think that your wife really does want to have her own money, but may be clueless as to what she could do to make money and so she uses "the porn card" as her way to both express a real feeling and "get to you."
Is there some way you could help her find a legitimate job that would require her to take some responsibility (i.e. grow up and out of her MLC) and have the job give her some money of her own to spend? (There are often jobs for teaching conversational english language skills.)
Your comment about control issues is well taken (IMO) because she probably is feeling like she is the "kept little girl" and you are taking care of everything. Your comments about rather worrying about the finances sort of reinforce that. I am sure that was not the intent, but you might want to do some introspection on what kind of "responsiblities/role" she has in your marriage and what signals/expectations you may be providing her.
Similarly, have you come up with any ideas on the cause of her MLC?
She does sound like with love and a solid man to lean on that she is making progress in her relationship with you. These things do take time.
Make sure she sees a doctor as it might not be a stress induced period, but something else.
A final parting thought is to ask how your GAL is going and what kind of GAL goals you have or are thinking about now that you will be at your new location for a while.
Good luck to you and your wife, I wish the two of you the best. I hope your mini-vacation and new posting are a honeymoon that brings the two of you closer together.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
"My only issue is that I can tell she is back to bottling." That ain't your only issue.
Seriously....porn? You know, most people when they say that they need to make some extra cash, actually try to get a job. They don't require large amounts of education - waitress, server, whatever. Usually a normal person does not throw out porn as an option.
I think I finally figured it out. All your W's been talking about is sex, trying new things, etc.
Ever thought that she might be addicted to sex? It really does sound like it to me. Honestly, I don't see your sitch getting better. It seems to be getting worse.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
and stress usually PREVENTS or DELAYS menses, I've never heard of it prolonging a period. IF she's really bleeding for months, she needs to go see a doctor at the military provided medical services ASAP...
if she's not really bleeding and is using it as an excuse for not ML, then you have a different problem.
Any woman with an IQ above 90 can get a job OTHER than porn.
I'm tired of hearing how that's her only option the minute you suggest being mature about money.
Good luck IT's extortion.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 bond I agree that it's extortion, but more importantly just another way to get a rise out of me. The worse part was that it worked. Once we put some time between the incident I saw that she was merely lashing out, and really didn't mean it.
As we have stated before we have created a dynamic where she says things like this and worse to get my attention. I had gotten very good at showing her that acting like that is bad for us. Yet during the vacation we both relapsed. Since then I have gotten the sitch under control again, and put my foot down. I can tell we are both happier for it.
We still need to work on our issues
YAH I agree on this being nothing more than rebellious lashing out, especially since she needs to feel more independent. I will encourage her to get a good, decent job. I know feeling completely dependent fueled her MLC.
Oh as for the prolonged menses, did some research and according to the net it's possible. Now that I think about it, this always happens during PCS. Hopefully we can go back to discussing PM soon. I also need to GAL!!!! I love all the time we have spent together it has been 98% good, but the cards are calling me!
....I also need to GAL!!!! I love all the time we have spent together it has been 98% good, but the cards are calling me!
GAL is very important for your marriage! Find time for it, always. It does not always need to be at the expense of time with your wife.
Let me explain. A little while ago, I ran a half marathon in another city. My wife and I made a weekend get-a-way out of it and she entered a 5K walk that was held concurrently with my run. After my race, cleaning up and resting, we went out on the town and had a great evening of shopping, jazz, drinking, dining together. I did my GAL, and it created the opportunity for us to have some special time together.
I am glad that things are going 98% good, that may be better than I am doing, so well done. I hope things continue to go well for you, but please make sure she sees a doctor (just in case). As a real man and not a NG, you are her husband/protector and her health is part of your "needs."
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Oh as for the prolonged menses, did some research and according to the net it's possible. Now that I think about it, this always happens during PCS. Hopefully we can go back to discussing PM soon. I also need to GAL!!!! I love all the time we have spent together it has been 98% good, but the cards are calling me!
Do some more research about what's MOST Likely to occur that way, with stress. Not to get too graphic, but I just had relevant surgery for prolonged bleeding, and a (benign) growth. Cancer is among the main concerns, as is endometriosis....Not stress related increases in bleeding, but stress related absence of periods...In terms of what is most likely.
But Why resist getting it checked out? And
if it only happens when you PCS
then maybe something else happens then too...
hey, I am not trying to be "right" here, but i believe
either way,
it's a poor response to a "normal for military" situations.
Plus, this was a move you both wanted!!
And you were on vacation --
so how does this behavior make sense to you Now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She needs to grow the hell up. I agree with what the others have said above, and think you need to stop "daddying" her and let her fend for herself more. There's a lot of immaturity there that she's going to need to work through, REGARDLESS of what you guys decide to do about your R.
