Just a journaling update (helps sort things in my head)...
Continued good relations with W. Took D13 over to W's house for D13 to have dinner last evening. Also, W wanted her bicylce so I brought this too. She invited me to have a beer and we relaxed in the sun while dinner cooked. She has a beautiful farmhouse on large acreage and the pastoral view is fantastic. Then, surprise ... she invites me to stay for dinner! I casually say sure, that'd be great (inside, I'm like YEAH!). She and I, the two girls, and D17's boyfriend have dinner outside. Beautiful summer evening. However, her conversation continues to be sprinkled with references to her continued and future life as a single person. This is meant to keep me at arm's length, which I'm OK with. I just listened, encouraged, and mostly agreed. Ever positive.
She seems to increasingly allow and / or seek my company and appears to enjoy our interactions. She's much calmer these days and seems to be sorting things out. Seems to spend a lot of time alone gardening, reading, painting, going to coffee with friends, etc. Don't get that she's out partying any more. She just seems more at peace with and by herself.
D13 and I leave shortly after dinner, as I told W I had errands to run. Got home and went out to have drinks with divorced neighbor gal / attorney (only as friends, no romantic interest on my part). Got to keep GAL.
Anyway, D13 told me of an acreage property W picked up a listing flyer for in the area. Looked it up and thought I might ask if she wants to look at it just for fun. We did this with some waterfront homes that were for sale a few weeks ago and she seemed to enjoy it. I never mention the future, but just say I'm interested in these homes as an alternative future for me, which is quite true.
I cannot alter the course of her MLC, but I do find it interesting to introduce to her new visions for her to consider for her own future. I know she wants to continue to live in the country. She was so done with suburban cul-de-sac living. Just trying to keep things as friends only, nothing more. I wish her well in whatever direction she travels.
Keep up with the good interactions...either way this goes, the more pleaseant that you can be the better for everyone.
Have a happy 4th yourself.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
What did NOT work for us is just as important as what did. Maybe more.
That's b/c while none of us can say "this WILL work", we can usually say what will NOT work...make sense?
This is great advice, especially when looking at other poster's threads.
Originally Posted By: MLC World
Don't get that she's out partying any more. She just seems more at peace with and by herself.
Hey World,
The OM.......is he in or out of the picture?? I think I read that they are still friends......Did she tell you they are just friends now and that she is not romantically involved??
I will tell you that I there was a period of time when I was doing a lot with my XW and going out to eat and spending time as a family with the kids and I thought that she was moving back towards me.......I also thought I was detached and could handle anything.
I was wrong.
She was still seeing the OM and when I found out it hurt.
More importantly it hurt my children because they saw me standing for my marriage wanting to work it out and they saw us spending time together and assumed that Mom was working on it.
My wife had stopped the partying and staying out late and all that other BS, she had normalized her life and I was happy to placate her at the time because I thought that she was working on the marriage.
IMO, until the MLC/WAS says they want to work things out, anything other than business like interactions is dangerous......especially for your kids.
The "good relations" with your W......while they feel good and we might think it is progress, they can actually do more damage.
That is unless you are okay to do all this stuff with her and basically "friend" her all the way to divorce.
That was the mistake I made............
If I had to do it all over again, I would have done it differently..........
just sayin'
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Taking the kids down to a great little beach town, watch the small town parade, hang out in the sun for the day, east some ice cream, picnic a bit, and then watch the fire works that night. Should be beautiful weather!
The OM.......is he in or out of the picture?? I think I read that they are still friends......Did she tell you they are just friends now and that she is not romantically involved??
No real idea what her involvement still is with OM, though at a minimum they are still friends. They have a lot of friends in common too. However, she continues to expand her own life with new friends unrelated to OM, so I believe this is also a big part of her current contentment (she is less dependent on him emotionally). I don't believe her R with OM is serious as she's yet to introduce him to anyone she knows, has never mentioned him to her family or old friends, and really just seems intent on staying single.
My kids know she's still friends with OM, but none of us discuss this, either between us or with her. It serves no purpose. They are grown up enough to think for themselves and for now choose to stay with me 99% of the time. I let them choose and so does their mother. Since mom is firm about her new single life, the kids hold no illusions at present. However, we all do look at signs of her starting to come out of crisis mode and she has been much more like her old self the last 1.5 months. I just the ride the wave any which way it breaks. Hope for the best, but am prepared for other outcomes.
Since my W has chosen to keep her MLC non-confrontational and she generally remains positive in her attitude, there would be no point in remaining distant to her. I do not chase her, contact her, text, phone, etc. other than needed to keep up with the needs of the kids. As I've stated, my main goal is to always keep things positive. This is one of the big changes in my life and I intended to reap the benefits personally whether she and I ever come together or not. I will be seeing my W for the rest of my life due to out daughers, and would prefer those future interactions to continue to be pleasant. I am learning a lot about taking the high road, but admit I have been extremely lucky (so far) to have my W's MLC be very low grade in terms of anger and drama.
We've basically already hammered out the terms of our D, the division of assets, etc., so there's really nothing left to fight about. She's happy, and we both believe the terms to be fair. I will "friend" her as much as possible, but without pursuing. While I continue to work on detaching and GAL, I will always keep the porch light on for her. In our sitch, keeping things positive is really the only way she will ever reconsider her position relative to me. I have to be the man that makes me happiest, and hopefully that inner light will shine enough to re-attract her one day. Either way, I think it will only benefit me in the long run and should reduce future regrets.
I've not written to you before but wanted to let you know that my H is similar. He has not gotten very angry with me during this whole process though he does internalize alot of it. He mostly lets his mum know how he feels but not me. It's very unhealthy but I suppose at least I'm not copping it. And most of the stuff he says like all MLCers is not all true so it does make me a little mad that he's telling his family stuff.
Anyway because he is not angry it makes interactions with him easier. At times he's very pleasant. Lately he's also been very flirty, very flirty . But then the follwing interaction he's stand offish - like it never happened. He has even gone so far as to tell me he'd like us to work it out but then acts cold towards me. He does have OW who he works with but he is leaving his job in a weeks time. No expectations that this will resolve anything.
We also continue to do stuff as a family. I have a young son 3yrs old. When were together it feels totally right and we have the best time and I see glimpses of my H. Then he won't call for days on end not even if I've let him know that S3 is sick.
It does continue to make it difficult for me to detach. I love my H dearly and the interactions further cement that. I've been given to continue our interactions from wise people here on the board - keep the road home paved and smooth. My MIL also told me the same - she is a psychologist. But I do find it difficult because I feel at times I DO have expectations.
I guess only time will tell if what we are doing is the correct way to do things. As they say each person and situation is different.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
Hi Red ... thanks for writing. I've been following your thread too. Try to keep up on all of us LBS with MLC'ers!
You know I really never get the cold shoulder from W. She just gives no indication she desires to reconcile or be intimate me. We are just "friends", such as it is under the circumstances. I will take this as opposed to the alternative.
Your H sounds very confused to say the least. Seems much too young for MLC, but then again, it can happen at any time. Keep your chin up, and keep up with the PMA. Really, it's been my only method of changing the atmosphere between W and I.
We actually have done almost nothing as a family in 5 months. Went out for Easter brunch. That was it. We did not get together for D17's b-day (she stayed with me, did not want to get together w/ mom). The girls had breakfast with their mom on W's b-day. I had a pre- b-day lunch with W the week before and gave her a card and plant. Othewise, again, she seems content to be alone mostly. I just don't get the sense she's off and running / partying like she was in Jan-Feb-Mar of this year. Hard to say where we are headed now as I'm not driving this bus. I just try to keep the trip as pleasant as possible, stay detached, and work on my own life with my kids.
Part of the problem is W has no family where we live and has attached herself to OM's friend / family network. Hence, this is the group she hears advice from. She has not discussed her sitch with either her mom, dad or brother. Same thing for the friends from her old life. Not to say these people would be influential with her MLC, but she literally lives "off the grid" from her old life.
Listen, if we both end up divorced, what will be will be. However, we can control our lives and attitudes today. Takes a lot of work, and quite a bit of faking it, but keeping a PMA really does work over time. I do feel so bad for you with such little ones. Mine are so much older and can take care of themselves. Hang in there.
I hate winter. Except for the snow. But it never gets cold enough where I am for it to snow. Otherwise I'd be outside skiing all day.
However, I'm using this time to get my body in tip top condition for summer. I've lost a tonne of weight and I'm now in the process of toning up. Been hitting the gym at lunch and doing sit ups, push up and other toning exercises at nite. Can't wait till summer to show off my sexy new bod
H has definitely gone back into his man cave. He has stopped initiating contact and is once again very cold when he communicates. He had to send me some info today and there was nothing nice about his email. Not even a hi or regards. Oh well. His bad luck. I had a great day and ate very healthy so feeling very good.
Keep journalling to let us know how you're doing.
Red
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
Sorry, went off the grid for the last week. Just trying to get well away from all this stuff. Sometimes is therapeutic, sometimes it just feels like I am obsessing on this forum board.
W and I continue to have amicable relations, but no real changes in her position toward our marriage and none expected anytime soon. We both keep it good in front of the kids, who continue to stay at my place / their home full time. Only short visits to mom's house to lie in the summer sun, or eat dinner. Then they immediately come back to "their home". Neither W nor I pressure them to stay one place or the other.
Took the kids with friends to the beach for 4th of July (our Independence Day celebration). W did not go and elected to go to "friends" house for BBQ. We had tons of fun (big parade, sun, sand, waves, pizza, ice cream, bon fire, roasted marshmallows, spectacular fireworks over the Pacific Ocean). W called kids that evening while we were there and they raved to her. This was W's favorite beach town, so I know it had an impact. That was her life, but so long as she continues down her path, times like this for her are a thing of the past.
We had dinner as a family last night after D13's tennis match. Again, amicable, no drama. We continue to keep our separation informal while we unwind our investments. Plan is still to D after this is done.
In light of this, and the fact we have been separated now since late Jan-11, the biggest change has been my stance on dating while separated. Recently I changed my position and decided dating should now become an important part of me GAL and moving toward "moving on". Got an internet date lined up with a very pretty 44-year old gal (I am 49). I am corresponding with several other women on a reputable dating website. I am very clear about my separated status, and about just wanting a casual date and not looking for anything serious.
I will be meeting this date at my W's and mine's favorite wine bar. We know lots of people in this town, the owner of the bar, etc. This date will likely feedback to W. I assure everyone that this is not revenge ploy. However, it is intended to send W a message. I am starting to move one. I think of it as the ultimate detachment. Obviously, I have no religious issues associated with my decision. My position is that I will date whom I like, if and when I so choose, and that includes any future dating possiblities with my W. The choice will me mine, not hers. I am taking control back over my life. I miss my wife dearly, but need to begin the healing. This includes choosing how I spend my days and evenings. I make no assumptions whether W and I will ever get back together. I continue to remain positive in my daily outlook, but am just adding to my options in how I will proceed with my future. No longer will W be the one to make that choice for me.
. But then the follwing interaction he's stand offish - like it never happened. He has even gone so far as to tell me he'd like us to work it out but then acts cold towards me. He does have OW who he works with but he is leaving his job in a weeks time. No expectations that this will resolve anything. 
I've been following your thread too. Try to keep up on all of us LBS with MLC'ers!