It's funny you should say that weird stuff about the WAS walking other dogs, etc, cause those are the strange types of thoughts I sometimes have. Especially since ow had a dog, and left messages to my H that she and dog were going to be waiting for him at their house. And of course I wondered did ow mean her and dogs house, or was she referring to it as my H's house, too? And she is a b**ch, so she should have a dog house to live in. Skank and snake fit, too.
But, yeah, although I don't hate ow, I find her a disgusting thing. I prayed so many times for God to take care of getting her out of our lives where we never saw or heard from her again. I have no idea where she is now. She isn't bothering him, as far as I know. I check on things now and then.
My H emotionally? Well, he isn't one to really show emotion. However, he does say that he feels all kinds of guilt and shame. He doesn't like to talk about it (A or ow) and can get angry if I am not stoic myself when I need to know something and ask questions. I have to be like Lilith on Cheers....completely level and flat. I am normally full of expression, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. To regulate this has been my project.
We had a talk the other morning and we both agree that we were in a rut with each other. H didn't feel loved by me. ...AND to be completely honest, I guess I didn't feel in love with him. I buried myself in work and beagn to feel trapped and like the cash cow. I grew resentful towards my family. Work was like an addiction, golden handcuffs, and I didn't know how to get out of my own rut. I hated seeing H drive in the driveway, my mood would just drop. So he had this young thing at work who adored him and there you have it. DANG! I did say to him the summer of 2009 that I thought we were in trouble, but he didn't want to do anything about it, so I shrugged and decided to let him be. He seemed depressed to me and I had no real interest in looking into it more. I figured he'd get over it sooner or later....
SO, now we are KLA and checking in more, ML more, staying connected. We even looked at a new couch we could both snuggle on. H says he loves me more now than he ever has and feels very much connected with me. I am still on guard and have so much pain inside. I wish I could share his feelings. I do love him, but sometimes wonder why I do.
VC, how did your H end the A with ow? How is he now with you emotionally?
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
He told ow that he was going to give things a try with us, and said she went flying back to her ex-H. I don't know how much I believe of what he said about it, because the lies rolled off his tongue like water over Niagara Falls. He acts more emotional than he did before. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't act quite SO emotional. But, at least he is more open with his feelings. What you said about hating seeing your H driving up after work, oh my goodness, how I can relate!! Even now, sometimes I do a little happy dance when he has a late arrest, and has to be an hour or two late. My mood, too would drop so low, I had to paste on a happy face. He says he is grateful I didn't dump him for what he did, and he is more careful of how he speaks to me, yet there are times when he acts in the mean way, and I hope that he won't go back to the way he was during A. I don't think I could do it again. did your H ever actually say I am sorry? Mine did not, only he was glad I gave him another chance.
My H did say he was sorry and continues to do so. It seems he does it when I'm blue, but from time to time he did say it without a prompt.
I'm thinking we all need different things. I'm not sure if what we need we will get. It sure would make everything easier and smoother if only the WAS could really MAN/WOMAN-UP.
My H told ow in front of me that he wanted his marriage.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
I KNOW my H loves me. He says he NEVER stopped loving me, but look what he did despite his love for me. Gosh....am I a fool?
H told her he wanted his marriage (in front of me when I asked him to do it) and then later that night (as e-mails revealed) apologized to her about me making THEIR lives(!) a "mess" and so on....I'm still fuming about that.
I told him the other day that I need him to man-up and tell her that she is nothing to him in front of me. He says he doesn't know where she is. I think that is a lie....another friggin lie. So, I'm left with it.
Maybe it won't matter in years to come. Then again, maybe it will mean I pack and leave because I wasn't important enough to jump on a jet and let the skank know that the woman he loves (me) is worth all that trouble. He asks if his love is "enough" and to not put us through that. I can see his point. I just wish he could put as much into (if not more) us as he did into their A.
You'd think that piecing would mean that nothing is OTT when it come sto saving your marriage. After all, you'd do it for your kids if their lives were on the line.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Give it time - you are only at the one year anniversary from all this coming out.
All these feelings you describe I had in bucket loads too. I can relate to so much you say. Over time though my H has realized what a skank and gold digger OW was, and so for him, there was no point in putting energy in to contacting her in any way. He felt the best thing was to move on and make our new life more pleasurable together.
At the time I still wanted some sort of retribution re OW and so this attitude didn't sit well with me. However, I now think it was the right attitude.....by giving the OW so much time and attention in my brain, I was letting her live on and continue to damage my M. 'I' was doing that with just my thought process - 'I' was stopping our M getting back on track. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helped me so much at this time; it helped me see when my thought processes were unhealthy and how to deal with them. It helped me forgive my H and move on, ( although I still wobble from time to time and have to remind myself of the coping strategies). I also made the decision in my mind that it was ok NOT to ever forgive OW, but at the same time I would stop letting her live, (and take up valuable space), in my head.
At some point you have to move on. Only you can determine when that happens....and truly it sounds to me like it is more down to you than your H at this stage. get out there and plan some new happy memories together. The money spent on your H going and telling OW he prefers you could be better spent on you going away somewhere as a couple. Don't you think OW understands that she was rejected by now? I know that may sound trite to you....but it is what I have learned to feel about that b!tch of an OW that was involved with my H. However 'nicely' he let her down, he showed himself to be weak to her.....and also that she wasn't worth holding on to.....that she had been the patsy, and only a tool in restoring our M.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I know what you say is true. I need to have faith. I just thought I would be in a much better place by now. Just sometimes it hits me a little too close and a little too clearly.
We do love each other so much.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
A good discussion about how to handle a WAS started on another thread, but the author moved back to Newcomers.
Angel wrote: There are many conflicting concepts in handling spouses having A's. On one extreme, the Joyce brothers method, is to totally ignore it, on the premise that A's never last, will fizzle out, and he will come back. Surprisingly, I have heard real life stories from quite a number of people, and it seems to work. Think about it - having to hide the A, the guilt, - it would ultimately become old and take its toll. I think this works when the WAS is intrinsically good, family oriented .... like a lot of them here. One thing though - the LBS in this case has to be really, really strong.
On the other hand, Dobson's tough love approach. Give the ultimatum, and your boundaries.
This needs proper timing though. Too early, and you push your spouse to the OP. They are not ready to decide and might just as well decide against you.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
I had a combination of the two - by accident. My H's A went on for 18 months before I knew about it, and by then Op was putting the pressure on - she had left her H and two very young children and was expecting my H to make a move. because of things I was saying and doing my H then told me about the A, and i took the tough love approach, but my H wanted/ needed that. He needed me to see OW off. He wanted to come out of it all as the nice guy,(doh!), even after he had made such a mess.
In all of this I think timing and luck can have a huge part to play....but underneath it all my H and I still knew we loved one another.....we had just forgotten for a while somewhere along the way and we needed to re connect.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
