One foot out the door, the other on a rug....

[luvmyhubby]

4better,
Thanks for the compliments and encouragement.. Today I feel like I dont really deserve them. He didnt mention the D when I saw him yesterday and I gave him some encouraging words about a meeting he had. I felt a bit better like I had the upper hand and then today he just swiped my legs again.

I called him about the kids and he asked if I had talked to our friend about the D who is a lawyer. My heart sank.. I relayed all of the information I had and then I asked why was he rushing this? He has only been out for a month and the problem around for 2 mos.
His response was that I always said I wouldnt wait around for him so it wasnt fair to me to wait around. I wanted to scream at him! (but i didnt). Once we hung up I remembered something else i needed to tell him and i called him back.

This time I told him that first of all he could not use me waiting for him as an excuse. I told him I would take whatever he dealt to me and that I would be fine. Him telling me that I am the reason for rushing the D is just an excuse. If he chooses to file it is his choice and his alone. At that point the phone went silent. He didnt know what to say I dont think..

It seems every step of the way his excuses are thrown at me in the form of what I did wrong. All but a few were kinda silly or grasped for to make himself not take the blame.

He told me that he didnt want to go to counseling or work on it at all because he would be going out everynight drinking and not coming home. That wouldnt be fair to me just like him hitting on women when he is out isnt fair to me..

So he wants this lifestyle I think and is feeling guilty and wants to cut me away like a cancer.

Everyone keeps telling me he is not smart he doesnt deserve me that I am going to be better off.. Its just that my heart cannot hear or see any of that.. All I can see is my love and my family slipping out of my hands..

Sorry I guess today is a bad day for me!