Maybe you screwed up - so, what can you take from it?
What did you do that didn't really reflect the kind of person you really want to be?
It sounds like you regret continuing the argument beyond just saying something about it. Could you have waited to say something about it later?
There is obviously a bunch of mixed motivations at play here for both of you, and I think that its making it hard for either of you to 'fight fair.' I don't believe you should be expecting your W to take the initiative on this one, as you are the one on this forum - but look into how to fight fair. Look into how to listen actively. I think these would really help you to resolve these things better.
What is it about what your W said that might be true? Or, how could she be thinking it was true? Is there something you might do differently in order to convey to her that her perspective isn't accurate? Notice I said DO differently. Don't bother arguing it with her.
She complains about being stuck in the muck - can't you get yourself out of that w/o her help? Its probably going to be good for you no matter what, and it might show your W a possibility that right now, she is too myopic to see.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
"W finally brought up the subject of her watching our 2 month old nephew over this weekend. I was a upset about it and asked why she didn’t bother having a conversation with us about this, I have no problem with her watching him but it would be nice if she would at least talk to us about it as a family. A 2 month old can have an effect on all of us."
Strike one...you're implying she needs your permission to make decisions, which she picked up on immediately.
"I told her that I completely understood how she felt and that by no means did I want her to feel that I way. I told her that I feel that I am sitting in that muck as well and that it would be great if we could help each other out of it."
Strike two...she does not care how you feel; right now her life is all about her.
"It ended with me asking her not to make any irrational decisions in this state of mind, I told her that I wouldn’t talk to her for the next 30 days about anything but the boys, to give her a break from me."
Strike three, big time...you are the levelheaded rational one but she is the mess.
You're not validating her feelings, you are coming across as condescending. Yes, she is in an irrational state of mind, and you can't apply rationale or logic to it. You're trying to put the round peg into the square hole.
OK, no more 2x4s.
lstincali22, it stinks that we LBSers have to walk on eggshells and monitor everything we do or say, when it should be the WAS who needs to shape up. But that is not the case. I, too, am living with a W who wants nothing to do with me but is too paralyzed to do anything about her own life, so I become the convenient target.
I admire you for hanging in there as long as you have and dealing with your W being under the same roof. Detaching while being that close is extremely difficult but so necessary to maintain your sanity and self-respect.
My guess is that the veterans on this board would tell you to concentrate on you and your kids, and pull back from W as far as you can. Do not engage in any more debates or arguments; be quiet and walk away if you have to, but don't add any more fuel to her fire.
I am into this for only 4 months (though it feels like an eternity) but I have noticed that the less I say to my W at all, the easier it is to live with her. Your intent to say as little as possible to her for the next 30 days - except for discussions about your kids - is good, but don't tell her! Just do it. Because now she will be watching you like a hawk to see if you live up to your words. And if you slip up and start talking about anything else, you've added justification to her reasoning.
Put this behind you and move forward. Less talk, more action, as they say.
That is all. Carry on.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Aeo & Telemark Thanks for taking the time to respond- You both bring out some very valid points to light. I have trouble seeing many of these things for myself. Telemark the 2x’s are greatly appreciated I need them!
The thing I did again was focus on how I feel.
This will probably sound like I’m making excuses but one of the biggest complaints W had was me not talking or showing how I feel. I’m very new at this and I’m having some issues with timing. I think the best thing for me to do is shelf that for now when it comes to W, and if I have anything to share that I can’t share with my kids I will take care of it with C.
One of the points I get from what you both have told me is that Whether or not the things my wife says are true, they are true to her. I need to ALWAYS remember that. I do regret letting go of the control over myself and allowing myself to go deeper into an argument than I should have. It seems like fighting fair is not an option right now, the only option is not to fight at all, we are currently so far apart in our views that no matter what it will never seem to be a fair fight.
I just need to work on validating what she feels and not come off as condescending. No more debates, no more arguments. Truth be told, I believe I’ve said everything I’ve ever needed to say at least TWICE! And with all of that I’m still sitting in the same place when it comes to our R/M.
When my kids do the same thing over and over again I always ask them if they know Einstein’s definition of insanity, I need to ask myself the same question.
I know I can get myself out of this muck without her. It’s just the road I need to decide to take. Whether I want to or not, I have to admit that I am still operating under some fear, not fear that she will leave but fear that if I move on “as if”, and I won’t look back. I just need to cross that bridge if and when I get to it.
Time for less talk and more action, as difficult as it is with her under the same roof I need to detach. Telemark good luck with your sitch, 4 months is an eternity when we are facing the situations we are facing. I didn’t think I could do this for 6 months let alone a year! Hang in there!
M 38 W 32 T 11 M 2 SS 14 S 9 ILYBNILWY March/2010 EA found out Oct 2010 PA found out Jan 2011 living together alone
Another has gone by, and I’m surprised that I have been able to keep from talking to W. since Wednesday there has not been a conversation that consisted of more than 10 words and all have been about the kids. I decided to take the time and write W a letter that she will never get. In doing so, I believe that it has helped me get to the point where I can finally detach and really let go.
This situation has had such a negative effect on me overall; I realized that for the past year I have been putting all my energy into attempting to fix my marriage instead of fixing myself. My creativity at work and the energy I had always put into my kids suffered. That can no longer happen.
Lately I have been operating in fear, fear that if I let go I won’t look back. I can’t worry about something that isn’t there or even close. I have to think My S’s and myself. She has made her choice, I have to accept that.
M 38 W 32 T 11 M 2 SS 14 S 9 ILYBNILWY March/2010 EA found out Oct 2010 PA found out Jan 2011 living together alone
I have to admit, things have been much better for me since I decided to truly take it one day at a time and let things go. The tension at home has subsided quite a bit! I don’t have this uncomfortable feeling when I get home. I am enjoying my time with my family. I had been so focused on fixing things that I was letting the day’s just slip away one by one, feeling so unaccomplished. Every day that passed without my family being on solid ground, was a day I had failed again. What a pointless and negative way for me to view things.
It seems as if my W feels a bit more comfortable as well. It seems as if she is more comfortable striking up conversations about the kids or anything for that matter. It sure makes it a lot easier to live under that same roof. There were a couple of situations that occurred yesterday with S14 that could have escalated into a bigger deal between W and me but I didn’t allow myself to get caught in the middle. I feel as if I am doing a much better job at just listening, both to my W and S14. I need to continue this for a longer period of time, so it can become a behavior. It makes everyday so much easier and more enjoyable.
Truth be told; it is still tough to look at my beautiful W every day and not be able to just go up to her and give her a hug and a kiss and tell her how much I love her. I often feel like doing that but, it’s getting easier to just put those thoughts aside. Although I do not start any conversations with her, I do compliment her appearance and thank her for whatever she does for all of us. I hope I’m not crossing the line.
I am focusing more on the moments and positive interactions we do have and appreciating them as opposed to constantly thinking about the “if only she would come around” stuff. It sure makes it easier to get through the lows and the day overall.
I find that the lows are not as bad and they pass quite rapidly, I feel the creativity and energy that I have always been known for, coming back consistently. I have to keep this internal momentum going.
M 38 W 32 T 11 M 2 SS 14 S 9 ILYBNILWY March/2010 EA found out Oct 2010 PA found out Jan 2011 living together alone
As time goes by, it seem to get easier to truly detach. I guess I was holding on to a dream. I still think about my W, but I find myself thinking about the woman that was.
I am thinking more often that it would be better if she would just leave. It would make it easier to go on with my life. I'm not sure if these thoughts are good or bad but they are there regardless.
I guess the key is to not act on anything, and let it ride. For now
M 38 W 32 T 11 M 2 SS 14 S 9 ILYBNILWY March/2010 EA found out Oct 2010 PA found out Jan 2011 living together alone
I have a business trip coming up next week and it starting to feel more and more like I am done with trying to save this marriage.
A year a 4 months of this has been exhausting! I am starting to feel the life energy coming back to me more and more and ANY interation with W just seems to suck it out of me.
I really think it's time to move on. I think I found this site much too late for the advice I read on other threads to help. I think I'll take all of next week of from all of it and see how I feel when I get back.
On a happier note my C says she can really notice a lot of growth in me, I need to keep it going!
M 38 W 32 T 11 M 2 SS 14 S 9 ILYBNILWY March/2010 EA found out Oct 2010 PA found out Jan 2011 living together alone
I'm Back from the business trip and I'm feeling more and more that this is over for me I ethier need to move out or ask her to leave. not sure what to do. I believe all the effort I have been putting into me leaves nothing for my marriage. At this point I am begining to see the R and M more as hinderances than anything else.
I really need to pray and try to do what's best. SS14 has a baseball tournament I'm taking him to this weekend 2 hours drive from here. Maybe that time away will help. It really doesn't help that our anniversary is comming up next week. Not sure what to do with that!
M 38 W 32 T 11 M 2 SS 14 S 9 ILYBNILWY March/2010 EA found out Oct 2010 PA found out Jan 2011 living together alone
