WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

Tough morning -

Find my thought being more consumed w/ W stuff today. I don't know why - but I really need to find other things to focus on.

It is hard to balance my recognition that the old M we had was pretty dysfunctional with

W has said that I didn't feel like it mattered if she loved me or not. What I meant was "in love" but I guess that distinction wasn't clear to her. My feeling is that after almost 10 years, you need to make a conscious decision to create 'love' in the more active sense of the word. I didn't necessarily have this perspective when the issue came up a year ago or so - I had the distinction, but I wasn't really aware of the possibilities and need to 'work' on it.

I Really don't know if this is something to communicate to her or if i should keep it in my heart and mind. If I should, I obviously need to put it in a way that doesn't make her defensive. How can I acknowledge or communicate the evolution of my views without being pursuing or pleading? Is it even productive to do so?

At this point, I feel like one goal i have is to be much better at resolving conflict in a meaningful way. By which I mean, really listening, understanding, and being more thoughtful and less 'clever'. I think right now this means asking a lot of questions, listening completely, speaking with simple words and short simple sentences, and keeping my reactivity in check.

Another goal I have is for it to be clear that I am not a stubborn jerk. I think the above stuff applies to this as well.

BUT - another issue is my 'doormat' behavior. W complained in MC that my being willing to stay w/ her after her A was me being a pushover. So, I'm looking for a way to be fair but also assertive of my needs and wants when its appropriate. So far its not too easy - I find that being firm about things like the status of our 'friendship', her cat, the fact that I may indeed request spousal support, all really make her upset, and it tears my heart to hear her cry even if she might be doing it to manipulate my emotions.

I would appreciate any feedback on any of this stuff or anything else in my thread. There are so many good and different perspectives and viewpoints on this, and I'm really just beginning a lot of this journey right now.