Can My Marriage Be Saved?

[a girl]

I have to confess that I'm awfully frustrated by it taking 2 days for posts to show up - I'd love to get some advice from the smart people on this board, but it's really hard.

Anyway.

Mailed H today to tell him I was going to Farmer's Market - leaving work early. Just said "Thoughts?"

He mailed back basically asking if I was coming home first or taking the train, and then saying he had ribs smoking but didn't need to deal with them until 6:30, and then "Hrm". I took that as he wanted to come, so I just said "I could come home first, sure - did you want to come with?"

So we got S from Day Camp and headed out. We were only there for about 45 minutes (it's a small market), but S had his face painted and it was pretty fun - H bought some interesting locally made sausage.

We got home and chatted in the living room and played with the cat for a bit. Then he got quiet and pensive and then picked up his work laptop and started work.

I left to come to the office. A little while later he told me the sausage was done, did I want to come try some? He cut me off a few pieces and then went to check on the ribs. I came back downstairs - trying not to follow him around.

We're supposed to finish up a miniseries we've been watching tonight - not sure if I should remind him or not. Thinking not, as it's an invitation, but then he has a terrible memory, so I don't know.

MC tomorrow - 4th session. I really like her. We'll see how it goes - not sure it's early enough to talk about "limbo" and being stagnant.

Feeling 6/10 on the "hope" scale tonight. (In the morning I usually feel 1/10 on the hope scale, so this is better than that.)

[a girl]

At the salon, under the dryer. Just had my hair cut and colored. Wonder if H will actually notice.

Anyway, any advice much appreciated.

[Denver_2010]

At the salon, under the dryer. Just had my hair cut and colored. Wonder if H will actually notice.

Anyway, any advice much appreciated.

As hard as it is, try not to worry about whether or not your H will notice. Do what you are doing, GAL, but for you.

Don't have any expectations. He will notice in time.

[Denver_2010]

Just bumping - any thoughts on how to let H know I find him desirable and attractive (one of his big needs, if not the biggest) when we are not being intimate. I need not find a non-guilt inducing, non-awkward verbal way to do it but am having a hard time with it.

^^^^

I think that Girl needs to do this... any advice from the women out there on how she can accomplish it??

Denver

[MrBond]

"any thoughts on how to let H know I find him desirable and attractive"

He already knows you do. Problem is that the A shattered his self-esteem and self-worth. Rather than going the attractive route, I would suggest you comfort him and reassure him in different ways that you aren't leaving.

He's afraid that if he falls for you again or lets his guard down, you're going to leave. There's only one way to start the road to healing in this sitch. Go to C and totally open yourself up to the C. If he refuses to go, then you go yourself.

An A and secrecy is very damaging. And an EA for a woman is the worst for a man. You made someone else top dog instead of your H.

Start opening yourself up and see if those walls start coming down.

[a girl]

Thanks for all the great input - I really appreciate it.

Had MC today. Went well, I suppose. Talked after. H stands by his "this is going to end in divorce". We talked, we both cried. We hugged twice while crying, which is the first physical contact since last week after MC, when he hugged me while I cried.

Not sure how to take tonight. He said he just can't see trusting me again, feeling safe with me again, everything reminds him of how I hurt him.

He did agree that we've made some movement in MC, though he was careful to say it was on an "individual level". He also says he feels like he's destroying everything and he wish he knew how to fix it, wishes he'd been strong enough when the issues happened to drag me to counseling.

Really not sure from here. He did agree to me request that we spend time talking to each other about not the relationship, but not "small talk".

I know that's "pursuit", but it feels like it could help. Now I need some ideas about topics. Any good books/websites/ideas?

[tank]

a girl, you seem to be making some very good baby steps. Remember that you need to look for those baby steps. This is short term pain for long term gain.

He told you that he loved you, that is positive. He is still going to MC even though he thinks it will end in divorce. So something in him still wants the marriage.

He feels that he cant trust you, put yourself in his shoes. What would you want him to do or say to reassure you that he was deserving of another chance?

You know him better then we do, really take some time and think about what you can do to start showing him that you value him as your husband, and that you want to rebuild the trust between you.

I would suggest you do get IC for yourself to work on the underlying issues you spoke of.

You are doing well, and i feel at this stage with the baby steps you are seeing that you can remind him of your mini series and see if he is interested in watching it.

Stay focused on you and the changes you are making. This is about you remember. You need to make the changes for you not for anyone else.

keep us posted. your doing great.

[a girl]

Home wIth a migraine today. They're caused by stress, so no surprise.

H was concerned - checked on me a couple times, brought me a heated thing for my head (usually makes it fee less bad), and held/rubbed my hand briefly a couple times. Of course, I was pretty pathetic with tears and pain, so I. Not surprised he was considerate.

Thinking about one of his pet peeved with me - not saying when I'm bothered, and just being upset/sad/surly. Trying to figure out how to do a 180 on that without turning it into a talk about the R.

[a girl]

Just journaling. Head is better, mostly. H used to like me to text after headache so he'd know I was ok. Trying to decide if that's "pursuing" now. Will mull it over while I eat oatmeal.

[JustStunned]

Girl, Trust is built slowly over time by actions. It is not something that can be promised.

Years ago when I was ready (because I asked during an emotional R talk) I was assured how much better I was than OM, a better lover, provider, more caring, more connected emotionally.

I heard these things because; I was ready to hear them; because she showed me again and again they were true. She began attempting to show me how valuable I was to her almost immediately. It took a long time to get there almost a year from the time she ended the A. That was 17 yrs ago. We are where we are now for other reasons.

I know it has been about 5 years since your last A. I suspect mistrust; hurt and guilt have been stewing all this time. The point I am trying to make is it’ll take time, communication and transparency, but mostly time coupled with consistent actions, not words.

Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear

Is true here also he needs reassurance from actions

Words come later to affirm what you both know from consistent actions over time.

Follow your MCs lead. It will be hard, It will be painful for both of you. Both of you will need to believe in the better life at the end of this tunnel. I suspect you’ll both want to quit from the pain of it, from the seeming hopelessness of it; don’t you, he and your R are worth the pain and effort, to you to him to your kids.

I think you should be present, but not following, inclusive, but not pursuing, reassuring, complimentary, but not condescending, available, but not a doormat. Tough? Yes, but you can do this.

I think you are already. Look for little improvements (baby steps). You’re posting them. Stay the course, do what works, have patience, slow progress.