Dazed and confused...

[Telemark]

"W finally brought up the subject of her watching our 2 month old nephew over this weekend. I was a upset about it and asked why she didn’t bother having a conversation with us about this, I have no problem with her watching him but it would be nice if she would at least talk to us about it as a family. A 2 month old can have an effect on all of us."

Strike one...you're implying she needs your permission to make decisions, which she picked up on immediately.

"I told her that I completely understood how she felt and that by no means did I want her to feel that I way. I told her that I feel that I am sitting in that muck as well and that it would be great if we could help each other out of it."

Strike two...she does not care how you feel; right now her life is all about her.

"It ended with me asking her not to make any irrational decisions in this state of mind, I told her that I wouldn’t talk to her for the next 30 days about anything but the boys, to give her a break from me."

Strike three, big time...you are the levelheaded rational one but she is the mess.

You're not validating her feelings, you are coming across as condescending. Yes, she is in an irrational state of mind, and you can't apply rationale or logic to it. You're trying to put the round peg into the square hole.

OK, no more 2x4s.

lstincali22, it stinks that we LBSers have to walk on eggshells and monitor everything we do or say, when it should be the WAS who needs to shape up. But that is not the case. I, too, am living with a W who wants nothing to do with me but is too paralyzed to do anything about her own life, so I become the convenient target.

I admire you for hanging in there as long as you have and dealing with your W being under the same roof. Detaching while being that close is extremely difficult but so necessary to maintain your sanity and self-respect.

My guess is that the veterans on this board would tell you to concentrate on you and your kids, and pull back from W as far as you can. Do not engage in any more debates or arguments; be quiet and walk away if you have to, but don't add any more fuel to her fire.

I am into this for only 4 months (though it feels like an eternity) but I have noticed that the less I say to my W at all, the easier it is to live with her. Your intent to say as little as possible to her for the next 30 days - except for discussions about your kids - is good, but don't tell her! Just do it. Because now she will be watching you like a hawk to see if you live up to your words. And if you slip up and start talking about anything else, you've added justification to her reasoning.

Put this behind you and move forward. Less talk, more action, as they say.

That is all. Carry on.