Just remember D1, that dark is for you. You will know how dark you need to be. Whatever helps you stay centered and off the roller coaster is probably what's right.
As far as your W understanding consequences. It's not for us to teach consequences. Life will do that. Whether your W realizes or not is for her to come to in her lifetime... or not...
How is it said? Our happiness should not be measured by our S's misery...
I took my ring off in an attempt to scare my wife. To try and make her realize that she was losing me. The funny thing is, she wasnt losing me, she left me. She took my ring, her ring and her diamond to the pawn shop. She pawned $5000 worth of rings for a total of $150.00. Who really won in all that? Had i kept my ring, who knows, she might still have hers.
The silver lining to all of this is, that i realize our marriage is over, but that doesnt mean their cant be a new better marriage between us with new rings.
I tried the whole going dark thing, and to be honest, it didnt work for me. It was to difficult with the kids. Luckily in my case she left and i have the kids, but is still got to be too much work.
while your kids are on holidays, really think if this is the best course of action for you. If you were such an important part of their daily lives, how is going dark going to affect them?
Make these decisions to better your life and the life of your children. If it hurts you or them in any way, is trying to teach your wife a lesson or make her suffer the consequences of her actions really worth it?
I guess that's my big contention with going dark-I feel when I am, they're the innocent bystnders being affected. Agree with me not teaching w consequences...venting.
Tank-what did, if anything, work for you?
DB-kids haven't said anything about my ring, however, D5 asked Wed., "Mommy doesn't where here wedding rings and it means you guys aren't married any more. Why aren't you married anymore? I like when you and m ommy are married. Don't you love mommy? Heartwrenching to say the least.
What is YOUR spouse's stereotype or chief complaint about you?
Very good. Which led me to the struggle with knowing going dark is the best..
one complaint over the last year, is w said she doesn't always get a straight answer from me/vague and doesn't trust me. Which is recommended in DBing. How do I change this when dark? Was being extremely transparent until going dark, but was also making all the pleading, gifts, etc. mistakes we LBS' make.
Money--Wants me do work outside of my consulting buisiness to bring in more money (remember me saying we agreed to swithch who was at home for the kids more)my sched. is more flexible and her job more stable, hence, me taking the lead with the kids-now uses against me..I'm looking for more work.
Quick emotioned-I have owned this and recognized the stressors of snapping verbally at the family? NEED TO LET THINGS ROLL off back.
More affectionate-like many, I GOT THIS, HOWEVER, she won't let me past the WAW wall now and give me the chance our m deserves. W said after filed," I don't want a D but this is where we are." She's onm a mission, now. So puzzling.
Claimed I was a wedge between w and her parents. This was probably at one time, the only stress in our marriage. Her parents are very loving and good people/g.parents. The problem is they are way too overbearing always over stay their welcome, never enough for them. Always have to sleep over even when they use to live an hour away. Been going on for 13 years..
I got tired of w being sad trying to make them happy, so I stood up for w and realized I took that train way to far down the track and have apologized. Ironic how the inlaws are way too involved with this and bought her a house, in her ear, enabling.
So w complaints: Vague/trust, quick emotioned, needs to be more emotionall safe, more affection, money
dmod, My children reacted very poorly to me taking my ring off. They noticed right away and they automatically thought it meant that my wife and i were getting a divorce.
Whats done is done and it cant be changed, one day, i can put a new ring on her finger and our new marriage will begin.
So w complaints: Vague/trust, quick emotioned, needs to be more emotionall safe, more affection, money
Solutions????
Disappear. Validate EVERYTHING she wants. Doesn't mean you have to speak this to her, but validate her through actions. Silence and distance to let her figure out her feelings. She will not notice unless you are gone.
Now while you disappear off the grid, this doesn't mean you passively wait for her to come back. You actually have to perform 180's for you. If you want her, YOU do have to do things differently. Not for her but for you. She will watch. She will.
Without thinking about her, what are things you could do differently for you that you know you should have done A LONG TIME ago?
For a few minutes, think about if she was dead. Not to be negative, but pretend you had a free do over...what would you do differently? Whatever you come up with...she's dead. Do it for you. Become happy. Do something that makes YOU happy. Now she lives, make her curious. Change you for you. IF you become happy with you, without doing it for her....she might just change her mind.
I've said this in brief points, but if you want the WAS back, you the LBS, needs to become the WAS. This is all about taking your eyes off the sitch, changing who you are, and moving the opposite direction.
