WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

Interesting evening.

W texted me and called me about some paperwork re: her getting off of the lease. She wanted to drop it off this evening. I opted to to go to a movie instead of get back to her right away. It kind of feels like playing a game, but I have been meaning to get out of the house a couple nights a week anyways.

If she wonders what I'm up to, great. If not, that's ok too.

W ended up leaving an envelope in the door with some paperwork re: the apartment, and a note about some other stuff. I'm not sure why she needed to do this TONIGHT since in her e-mail she wanted to do it tomorrow, but what can you do?

I guess I feel a pang of sadness that she is officially being removed from the lease, but I guess that's ok.

I miss her terribly sometimes, and I've been trying to work on my attitude regarding her. Its easy to reframe her as the person she is choosing to be now and find all the ugly in that person, and notice how superficial and hollow they seem.

BUT this won't make me feel better, it makes me mourn the person I thought I married. It honestly hurts to feel like so much of what I thought i knew was an illusion. And, its hard for me NOT to express that to her. So, I've been trying to think about the things that I believe are authentic and true to her, things that I always loved and got a kick out of. I figure that the better my attitude is the less of a jerk I risk being when I deal with her. It's just hard because I feel like so much of it was just a trick - she even said "I was never really myself around you" which I can't help but wonder - why NOT!?!? A lot of the superficial and social veneer stuff was exactly the stuff I looked past when I fell in love with her.

It was her passion for nature, pumpkins, trees, painting, great art, good food, kindness, fall leaves, picking apples, eating strawberries off the plant.. those are the things that I remember and think of her smiling and really seeming so happy.

Its hard not to wonder if that too, was just another costume she was wearing at the time. But its how I am trying to choose to think about her. Am I CRAZY to do that?