I need solid advice about my dilema...please

[25yearsmlc]

25 I hope you recover well, it says alot about you and your willingness to help a hard head like me:

Thanks for the good wishes. I have to say, next time I see a stabbed guy on TV running or talking or fighting, I will say "not likely!" b/c I feel as if I got stabbed, (surgically speaking) and it is TOUGH...I'm barely able to walk and breathe deeply...sheesh!


So about the money issue, not its not court ordered , however we have had a signed agreement for about a month..Nothing really changed in the written agreement other than it is now official.

Yet you're getting angry all over again, right? I mean, do you see how this does NOT help YOU?


I started out being angry about giving her money and her using it for the OM,,,,petty stuff I am sure of like washing his dirty laundry with the very soap powder I provide....

Think about this ^^^. Do you think, realisitically, she should set his laundry apart from the other laundry so "your soap" isn't cleaning his stuff? You do see how this sounds, right? You are inflicting more pain on yourself here. Don't do that One, you have to care for yourself better. Does that make sense?



We had a joint account and I opened one of my own and just put money in every two weeks.. When we got to mediation about the agreement she opened up her own account, that I have absolutely no access to, other than walking in the branch and asking them to deposit the check

Why would you need access to her account? This is about control and how you were used to having it and now you don't...you have to let go or you'll torture yourself.

....When she asked me why I did not put it in the bank I was pissed, how can a woman who says she does not want me to have any control of her...get mad at me for not putting a check in the bank at 7pm at night, knowing full well I don't have acces. And this is by her choice.....

Let it go. She knows at some level she was not being reasonable. Don't hold your breath waiting for an apology, okay? Maybe things are not so easy on her financially...oh well...



What I mena about being angry at giving her money, I know and willingly give a good amount each month....but when she takes off of work to be with the OM and then asks me for money I get pissed.

I know you get pissed. And how has your anger helped YOU? Oh, oops..it hasn't.


..So yes I get angry because she wanted this and is not pulling her fair share....

NEWSFLASH...most of the time a very very UNFAIR thing has happened to us. That's reality. Get over it. My h did an unfair, selfish thing to me and our kids. He "wronged" me. And....so....?????? I chose to look past that but it doesn't mean he didn't do a lousy thing. I got past it.

WE ALL HAD TO...and besides, in her view

you were unfair to HER...and her view counts too.

Let me respond to you about the no contact.....I just blocked her phone number, I have four teenagers that I provide phones for and they still text me or talk to me often.....I will never cut them off.


GOOD TO HEAR^^^...really good.

Now for the hard part....I was not the best husband and near the end there was alot of screaming and yelling mostly on my part...My girls saw almost all of this.....

well, crap....


Being homeschooled by there mother and doing things with her while I was working....right now they have her back and I mean her full back....they talk to me but really don't want to see me that often...and that hurts...

of course it hurts. You have got to get a grip on your anger One. IT's hurting your cause in so many ways. I don't know what else to say about it; it's hurting YOU...you must let this go. Do whatever it takes!!

It's consuming YOU! You have to see this or you won't get rid of it. I know the feeling. I was getting eaten up inside and it was interfering in MY inner world by letting the anger rule me. It SEEMED easier to feel anger over being sad...but either feeling just eats away at you...

SO you must let go of it. FOR YOU...

it also makes me angry as hell.....

yeah One, we KNOW...and you are not getting anywhere good with it.

I feel that my M is about over...so I have asked my W to forgive me...It seems like everytime we interact she brings up something of the past...

Then do not engage. You say "I already apologized & I can't live in the past anymore. Sorry if I hurt you" and end it there. Get off the phone. You may have to say this a dozen times til she stops doing it. But she will eventually stop it. OR you just get off the phone, or leave the room/apartment and IT STOPS b/c it takes two to fight. Really, it does.


We argue about it and the girls must hear it...So they associate me with there mother being upset.

Yes they do. So you must stop engaging, One...it's not easy BUT it IS simple.

..They completely think that its 100% my fault....

Your anger is YOUR problem....YOU must work on it. Period. FOR YOU...and your d's...and for the possibility of a recon m someday...

So I have asked or begged my W to forgive and help me get back to my girls.....I have told her, I have given you what you want so why rehash everything...she has no answer....


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Then stop asking for forgiveness. You were clear, right? Okay then. Your words are meaningless if they are then followed by more anger. Be done.

Change your actions/behavior and stop apologizing. Enough of that. It just keeps it fresh....

what the girls need and what YOU need is the same thing, thankfully. That is YOU dealing better with your anger.

In your work, you have to deal with your anger and control it. Why can't you do that with your w? Use the tools you already have. Or get new ones, either way you have to fix this asap.
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That is why I want to know does a WAS keep the resentment and anger fresh in there mind on a daily basis...so that they justify there decisions they are maiking..

Yes they do rehash and revise, esp when their new life isn't fun anymore. But what changes this

is NOT more fighting with you. You have to contrast your present day behavior with your past and you aren't yet...that's NOT helping your cause...


Let the anger go, for YOU...let go of the fact that something unfair is happening to you.

I met a 10 y/o girl at a summer cancer camp who once said "I used to ask God why. 'Why am I sick, God? Why, why why? Then I realized I just am, so I decided to have fun while I can"...

and she did have fun. And it was her last summer.

Her words were a gem to me.

Life IS unfair...why?

I don't know why.

All I DO know is, we have to make the best of what we do have.

make sense?