I am so lost... Please someone help me!

[notsosunny]

Good Morning J1,

Just wondering where you went and how's it going?
I like your spirit..........Hang in there
Sunny

[sandi2]

Hey Johnnie, how about an update? Hope you are okay.

[FaithnAK]

J1

I want you to know that your numbered list really hit home to me. I experienced the same list. I hope you post again with an update. I can only imagine what you are feeling right now and we are a support group. Hope your okay bud. You don't have to be alone in dealing with this crap.

[Johnnieno1]

Hi friends...

Well, mood today, 5/10.

It seems like everything between my W and I, is just the same.  No better, but no worse either.  We continue to live together with the kids, in the same house, separate beds.  If iI had to put a label on our R right now "platonic", would be it... Living like roommates.    I am doing my best to follow the 37 golden rules.  

With every day that passes and with reflection,  I am recollecting the things that I did to contribute to our current sitch.  As a good friend reminded me today at work, over lunch, "it takes 2 people to fail a marriage", and although I heard that before, today, I began to accept the fact that my W also needs to share some of the burden for this too.  Up until today, I could only see what I had done....  This reflection is good, it helps me to examine my "opportunities".  

I find it tough to not show emotion when I think about things, because I love my W so much, and am disappointed where we are now.  I want nothing more than to see her smile at me or call me "baby cakes" like she used to.  I don't know if it makes me weak to admit that I am still in love...  

I am trying hard to keep my sanity, by reading and journalling.  I am currently reading "Hold onto your N.U.T.S."  I'm am also making sure to stay engaged with the kids, I LOVE every second with them and they love it too.  I miss doing things as a family with my W.  Lately she has her activities with them, and I have mine.    I also am having a tough time seeing the effect on my parents.  They miss my W because she will avoid them at all costs.  My W avoids them because she knows that they know our sitch and that makes her uncomfortable.  They (my parents) are really hurting.

Things are really tough at work right now.  It is VERY difficult to be online with customers screaming at you about the stupidest things when I know that in 2 months I will be out of my job.  I am worried about how I will pay the bills, especially my medications... Also my therapist visits will no longer be covered, so I am not sure how I will cope with any more bombs.  

Does anyone have any advice on other books I can read that would help me to "build a better me"?

I am trying to remain vigilant, stick to the plan, and most importantly work on myself.  I would give anything to be out of this hell...

Johnnie

[Redo]

Johnnie, I just read some of initial posts. You definitely remind me of myself when i first came to these forums.

I'll just try to go over some stuff in no particular order.


1: The N.U.T.S book: Reading your first post, this is a good book. Believe me when i say. Be a strong man and exude confidence and you can attract your wife back. Be needy and you will drive her away. Another good book is "5 love languages by gary chapman". It is a great book that gives you practical tips on how to understand your spouse better.

I find it tough to not show emotion when I think about things, because I love my W so much, and am disappointed where we are now. I want nothing more than to see her smile at me or call me "baby cakes" like she used to. I don't know if it makes me weak to admit that I am still in love...

See, thats being needy. Nothing wrong in expecting love and warmth from your wife. But now's not the time, especially when she feels she's done with you. Get rid of this attitude and you will notice that you have become emotionally much stronger.

I also am having a tough time seeing the effect on my parents.

As long as this is not affecting your parents health-wise, dont worry about it now. Now's the time to address and fix your issues and fix your relationship. Your parent's emotional well-being can wait. I know this very well because I went through the same stuff at the beginning.

Things are really tough at work right now. It is VERY difficult to be online with customers screaming at you about the stupidest things when I know that in 2 months I will be out of my job. I am worried about how I will pay the bills, especially my medications... Also my therapist visits will no longer be covered, so I am not sure how I will cope with any more bombs.

Sorry it is bad at your work. In this situation try to prioritize your life to figure out how you can stay afloat. If you think your job gives a good deal of self-confidence, then make sure you have backup after you are out of your job. Right now you don't want your job situation to play on you emotionally. Also remember, jobs and money come and go. It is not the end of the world.

I am trying to remain vigilant, stick to the plan, and most importantly work on myself. I would give anything to be out of this hell...

Believe me you will get out of this hell. Time is a great healer. You gotta give it time though. Look at this time as opportunity to fix all the 'bad' stuff about yourself. Analyze your situation. Look at your contribution to the marriage failure. Work on each of those issues. If you feel you are not sure if an attribute of yours is good or bad(because you were conditioned in the marriage), bring it here, get feedback.

Develop confidence that you can take on the world. Then you will see that things will improve.

Good luck!

[d1adsl5a]

Johnnie,

It is a long road. Buckle in. I hope it works out for you. Mine didn't. I have been to hell and back more times than I can count. I have had chronic insomnia a couple times for months on end which developed into anxiety about the insomnia. I am just nearing the end of a 3 month stretch. But it does get better over time. There are high's and lows. If I can impart any wisdom from the last 3 years of my hell is this:

You need to learn how to stand on your own to feet. Without a girlfriend(if the marriage doesn't work out). You need to find how to fuction without a wife. This place helps you prepare in case.

You can't change her. You can't control her. You have to learn how to live your life without much of the control you used to have. The only way you make it through is when acceptance comes of your situation. My W moved out a year ago.

We split time with the kids. One of my biggest issues now that the rebound romance ended is how do I live on my own 4 nights a week. I never did the GAL'ing that I was supposed to do back then. You need to figure out how to do that. It is what saves you in the end if it does end. If it doesn't maybe it isn't too late for your W to see the new you.

Don't argue in front of the kids.

I don't wish what you are going through and will go through to my worst enemy. Make sure you see a therapist.

Stay strong.

[25yearsmlc]

Johnie

please re read my last post to you.

You are again talking about sharing blame,

and though that might ease your sense of guilt

I find that it rarely helps us grow.

We take the focus off of changing ourselves

and deflect,

and you are prone to doing this a lot.

Plus, the friend who said it takes two to fail a marriage, might be wrong.

I think it takes two to keep a healthy happy marriage together

but I've seen one person blow it for both.

Don't be that guy. Sure SHE has flaws, who doesn't?

But how are YOU showing that marriage to you can be any different?


I fear you are not.

That's your goal. Showing by action that you have changed and are evolving.

Please acknowledge the long post I sent even if you totally disagree with it.

I want to know you at least think about it.

And yes it IS hard to be in this sitch. How long has it been for you?

Good luck on the job search.

I think finding a new job will help you in many ways...

[Johnnieno1]

25. I did read your post I have digested it...   I definitely don't agree with everything in your last post, but I do appreciate your thoughts. 
 
I have not abandoned my self introspect or my changes, at all.  I am stronger with every day that passes.  I am pleased with my progress so far, but am just frustrated with the slow pace of improvement in our R.  No doubt there is more change to happen.  In the end, I will evolve to the best man I can be, that's all I can do.  I can say for sure that my R with my kids is stronger and I am VERY greatful for that.  It's just tough to know how my W feels if she bottles everything inside and dosent talk to me. She has never been open with her feelings, even when things were great. I on the other hand am very open with my feelings and always have been.  I don't think that is a bad thing, but makes this sitch tougher for me.  At least I recognize my shortcomings and am willing to work on them.  Her changes will have to happen when she is ready...  I will not live with someone who disrespects my feelings and wishes, and is so arrogant that she can never admit or apologize when she is wrong.  Believe me, that has done it's damage too.

[25yearsmlc]

25. I did read your post I have digested it...   I definitely don't agree with everything in your last post, but I do appreciate your thoughts. 
 
You don't have to agree, just let me know if it got overlooked. That way I don't repeat myself so much.

I have not abandoned my self introspect or my changes, at all.  I am stronger with every day that passes.

This^^^ sounds great. But the more specific you get and the more you express that to us, the easier it is for us to help you identify things that are working or not.

Plus, specifics crystallize things for you. Your goals, your "means to an end" etc. The clearer your goals are, behaviorally, the easier it is for you to meet those goals. Make sense?


 I am pleased with my progress so far, but am just frustrated with the slow pace of improvement in our R.  

Honey you KNOW what I"m going to say about your timeline...what is it anyhow? How long? Did I read 17 months somewhere? Can you briefly update us as to the legal status?

More important, I really want you to assess, (internally or here with us),

whether you have demonstrated that you, or marriage to you,

would be DIFFERENT NOW than before...it's actually THE KEY to ALL this.


In the end, I will evolve to the best man I can be, that's all I can do.  I can say for sure that my R with my kids is stronger and I am VERY greatful for that.

It IS the best you can do. And if you become that man, i.e., a man only a fool would leave, then you will at some point have to leave the results up to God...agreed? That's when detachment is easiest, (for lack of a better word) And many good things flow from that


 It's just tough to know how my W feels if she bottles everything inside and dosent talk to me. She has never been open with her feelings, even when things were great.

have you read the Five Love Languages? It may help your sitch. Even if you knew what she felt today, that can change. And she may not know how she feels AND even if she does, she may not be ready to share that...

I on the other hand am very open with my feelings and always have been.  I don't think that is a bad thing, but makes this sitch tougher for me.  At least I recognize my shortcomings and am willing to work on them.


maybe it's semantics, but when you talk about these changes in you, you still SOUND as if you are measuring or using a score card. How so? Well

Like the minute you discuss what YOU are working on in YOU...

you quickly follow up with a comment about what SHE has to do...but isn't...and I urge you to check that. I don't see it as helpful at this point.

Okay so, you show your feelings a lot. And she doesn't. Why are you worried about this if it's always been this way? I mean it's not worse, correct?Or you just mean it's difficult to read how you are doing vis a vis HER b/c she's not verbally communicative? Okay you have to read 5 LLs and anything else you can find about how people like her communicate. I'm verbal too so I know it's tough b/c you and I use WORDS and others don't always...but how, in the past, did your w show her feelings?

 Her changes will have to happen when she is ready...

Of course...but you are not in a position to ask this yet, right?


I will not live with someone who disrespects my feelings and wishes, and is so arrogant that she can never admit or apologize when she is wrong.  Believe me, that has done it's damage too.

I get it. But...
LATER FOR THAT....for now,

isn't your goal showing her that marriage to you

could be better than before?

Do you see how losing focus on that, could lose the cause?

As I said to someone else here, I think MidLife World or MLC,

paradoxically,

it's only when the LBSer has an awakening, and truly detaches and stops caring about what the WAS is doing/thinking/feeling/saying...

that the WAS takes notice of things and has THEIR awakening...

So as counter intuitive as this sounds, your changes have to be for you

and not b/c you want HER to match them...

which is scorecard keeping and NO ONE wins that way.

Each of us has our own lens to see the world with.

My h felt that he had to work MORE b/c I wasn't working at one point

and I felt I had to stay at home with the little ones b/c H was working so much...

so, who is "right"? Couldn't we both have a point?

See how useless the scorecard is in that scenario?

Come to think of it, I cannot think of any time keeping scores helps...

Anyhow...

No one gets it all right the first time. I backslid A LOT...

But IF it's reconciliation you want

(and we'll assume you mean a good healthy marriage)

IMO, it's when you are in "piecing" that you can address the changes you think are needed in your w

For now, I suggest you keep your focus on how

YOU are demonstating that marriage to you could and would be different from the past...specifically what 180's are you doing?

THEN come up with how you will measure progress.

Can you and w talk without fighting? For half an hour?

Can you enjoy watching a kid's event together without conflict??


Better yet, can you confront a conflict and resolve it together? OR

Can you do that with one of the kids?

That will probably be a milestone for you guys and she has to notice it.

(But remember that she may not SAY anything...does not mean she doesn't notice...my h noticed things I was sure he had missed. In fact I'm surprised at what he noticed...)

When a conflct arises and gets resolved, acknowledge it and express something positive about it. It really is a good way to KNOW something you are doing is working.

What other ways are you hoping to see changes or positives?

Note that even If she DOES think you are changing for the better

she won't know right away how SHE feels about it AND

even if she does know, she may not tell YOU...yet...


Good luck

[Johnnieno1]

Happy Canada Day everyone!

Well busy morning this morning, I was the first one out of bed this morning,  because I love this day!  So, I took advantage of the morning and made a nice coffee for my wife and me.  After I changed the dressing on my youngest D leg (she had a nasty case of road rash from falling off her bike). I made breakfast (crepes w/ chocolate chips). The kids loved them.  Our plan today is to go to my hometown and watch the Canada day parade as a family.  My wife is in a good mood too because she loves this day too.  Usually we end up at my cousins house after for a few wobbly pops.  I will be cooking dinner tonight of steaks, so that will be good too.  

Thanks again 25mlc for your insight.(I will read more of your quoted reply later, I can't see all of it on my IPad, and I try not to use the pc so as not to leave tracks to this private forum) 

I will try to document more clearly my 180 and reflect at the end of each day, what is working (or not working) and journal it.  I can't say that my W and I have had any disagreements for the last 1.5 month since the letter bomb, It feels like so much longer ago.  Overall we are getting along fairly well, but like I said b4 platonically.  I have been reading a lot of self help books to keep me occupied and to inspire me, (ironically reading more is something I didn't do much of b4 because of my cataracts) but wanted to do more of, and giving my W as much space as I can to not be in her face.  The one thing we do enjoy together is watching "It's always sunny in Philadelphia" it's great to laugh together.  I wish she would put away her cell phone though and give the texting a rest, its really kinda rude.  

I made an appointment at the optometrist to investigate getting refitted fir contacts... It would be nice to ditch the glasses again...

Anyways gotta run... I'll try and add more tonight after the festivities...

Johnnie