My Final Chapter

[MichelleLT]

Okay, I was still looking at your old thread, so I'm WAY behind. LOL

To answer your immediate question first, the above responses are all valid.

You don't have to respond right away. If you are having a rough week and are fighting with anger and such, then it's best NOT TO RESPOND. At least not til tomorrow or the day after. Give yourself a couple days.

I haven't seen it touted as much outside the infidelity and MLC boards, but over there the 48 hour rule is a Rule. Don't respond to anything from the WAS until you've given yourself 48 hours to mull it over and make sure you are not reacting out of emotion.

Now to go back a bit...

My comment is that you are doing some serious mind reading/characterization of her behavior which I am not sure is accurate or fair.

I suppose this is a fair statement. Since I don’t have any way to tell what is in her mind I can only use deductive reasoning. Someone told me something awhile ago and it made perfect sense to me…

No matter what she SAYS, her actions are clear enough for you, aren't they?

And this is very true. Sound familiar?

What you are still assuming is that she was doing this consciously and/or maliciously. You are seeing her "leading you on" as her trying to keep you as her backup plan instead of OM being her backup plan or her "leading you on" as trying to minimize the hurt to you.

So perhaps you are correct. Some things are assumptions on my part but I have a pretty good basis for my assumptions.

My Question is, even assuming you are right, why is that so "unforgivable"?

Because I deserve better and I deserved better treatment.

Again you are assuming malice and intent here. You don't know why she acted the way she did. She is miserable. Miserable people do stupid things out of misery and confusion and anger.

You can't believe she could be confused, retaining deep feelings for you while also thinking perhaps too much water had gone over the bridge?
Dare I ask, So what if she wanted to hedge her bets?

Perhaps she thought that but then again this goes back to my original post. It is when times are tough that we learn what we are made of. I stood for us when really there was nothing to stand for. I knew the work that it would take to reconcile but I was willing to do it. It was important enough for me but it was not for her. Her decision. Not Mine.

Again, ASSUMPTIONS. You are assuming you were her backup plan, not OM. You are assuming she won't do the work at some point in the future, when in fact if she made the decision to come back she would be far more likely to do the work than some new person would.

Is the "unforgivable" part of this, that you believed her to be working on YOU as a couple, while instead she was also pursuing OM and doing some comparison shopping?

Yes! Although I did not assume we were working on anything I was merely hoping we were. I was doing all the work but she never gave me a clean break from it all. She kept me on while R with OM was being built. I was the backup plan. That is not someone I want as part of my life. I never would have done that to her under any circumstance. I think she was not honest with me in fact I feel as if I was betrayed several times throughout this whole process. Right or wrong it is none the less how I felt.

I don’t even think she had a physical affair and as MichelleLT will surely point out at some point “she is divorced she can do whatever she wants” that is true and so can I but my emotions are based on the R we had until recently. My expectations were clear my intention was also clear. She knew them both and rather than telling me, when asked directly, she continued to give me vague answers and hopeful responses. Everything came out of left field for me and I think that was dishonest and I have lost my trust in her as a person.

You're right, I am going to tell you she's D. So technically it's not really an A. While I know you are experiencing a lot of the emotions those of us posting on infidelity did, your expectations are the culprit, not her.

If I have the fear of her doing it again then there is no need for me to even discuss it. When I saw her in December at one point she said “well I have to think although I suppose I could always leave again” I stopped her cold. “If that is the mentality you want to enter into then I don’t want you to come back” Did I not want her back in December? More than anything in the world.

She wasn't ready for that level of commitment. She was barely ready to consider trying again. You can't ask or demand that of someone who is so fragile emotionally and expect good results. Ultimatums always make them run.